Bomb dropped July 22.09. M-46, WAS-37, S12, S10, D7. I made all of the classic mistakes for the first three days crying, pleading and begging. I've made several mistakes since then including repeated conversations about R. She has consistently said there is no turning back. She's given her all to the relationship and she's done. She retained attorney in early August and we're proceeding to a 4 way meeting this week. She has commented favourably on the changes I've made and has inquired as to why I didn't do this when we were together. Nevertheless, she has remained very, very angry (says I was selfish, drank too much etc). She acknowledges that the anger arises from her hurt. As part of the detachment process I have gone out on dates. WAS found out about this very recently (I believe she got ahold of my telephone and saw some text messages) and became very angry. She was more upset when I told her (thinking it would help me) that I had declined a PA about a year ago. She was extremely upset that I had been speaking with this other woman about our relationship. She woke me up in the middle of the night the other day and repeatedly expressed how angry and upset she was hearing this. Since then she has been very cool. She now seems determined to say things that she believes will hurt me (ie. "I'm taking the kids for Christmas whether you like it or now" and "I'm going to meet someone (other M) at this wedding (her cousin has a wedding and she's going alone) in my new dress"). I know Coach has said that anger is good, but have I done irreparable damage by her learning of the almost affair and the fact i've been on dates? Shall I stop dating or is this an acceptable part of the detachment process?
Sorry to see you here and more importantly, that your W has or is in the process of filing -- that is no fun but I know a lot of fun but there are lots, and lots of people here in the same boat (not that that is going to make you feel better, but you are not alone)
I did find it interesting that you W got upset that you were out on a date, I actually think that might be a good thing but I am certainly not an expert here. Did she move out after the bomb or are you still together?
I would say that if still feel like you can put your R back together, then you really should stop dating. That is just my opinion but I think that would tend to agitate things worse if you are still hoping and trying to get your R back on track.
My W still has a lot of anger and when I read your posting about how she is acting, I could not help but think about my W, even though she has not filed yet (she did go to and attorney back in Jan) we have been living in separate houses for 6 months.
Anyway, good luck and keep us posted.
NSD
Me 47 WAW 48 No Kids M-20y T-24y B#1 2-20-09 B#2 4-23-09-WAW Moved Out B#3 3-8-10-WAW Filed for D My Sitch:http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1823907#Post1823907
Dating isn't detaching. As long as either of you (in this case you) are hoping to restore the M, dating is bringing an additional person into the R. It's not fair to any of you. One might even say it's an A.
It's not a bad idea to let her have questions in her mind. Don't always be where she expects you to be, leave the house looking like you could be going on a date (take yourself out), don't always tell her exactly what you are doing. But, in my opinion, don't involve another person.
Detaching means that you don't let your emotions get yanked around by what she is doing, or not doing. Dating may be a distraction, but it isn't detachment.
For me I would not date (will not date) until our legal separation papers are filed. My H and I have not lived together since April of 2008 and he began an affair in March of 2008.
There are a few reasons I opted not to date and none of them have to do with my H. The first being was I made a commitment not to step outside the bounds of marriage the day I married my H and even though he chose not to honor that commitment I did, for ME. I never told him that of course but it was my personal choice. That is not to say I haven't made new friends and gone out but it's always in a group setting. And yes, I have been asked out on many dates and when I am I am honest... I simply say that I am in the process of becoming legally separated and I am not in a position to date at this time.
Dating when you are in the thick of the bomb dropping/separation/legalities is simply a distraction IMO. It creates a false sense of intimacy and those type of R's never last and even more people wind up more hurt.
I feel when you create a false sense of intimacy you really deter the progress you need to make on your own. You need to be happy as an individual and not attach happiness to a new R. How can you get to know yourself again as an individual if you are dating? Sure, it would be fun and exciting and new but all it does is push aside the work and feelings that need to be addressed and processed.
Dating and getting to know somebody new can be a wonderful thing but it should not be used as a tool to detach or heal. The detachment and healing needs to come from within and when another person is involved that gets pushed to the back burner. Eventually though the same issues will crop up in the new R and patterns will emerge that are not healthy.
This is all just my opinion of course. You should be going out and having fun and meeting new people and trying new things to jump start your independence but I would limit any "one on one" type scenarios. Putting the marriage aside, it will only complicate things for YOU.
My H's 20 month R is falling apart. He told me recently in the past month it's "not all roses" and they have almost broken up four times. He told me he jumped into this R way too fast and wished he had spent some time alone. He told me he jumped in this R because he needed to be filled up and wanted and the "high" of a new R was like a drug to him. His GF is crazy jealous of me even though my H and I hardly talk or see one another. She doesn't want him talking to me ever again. Plus, they work together which will make things *very* messy should this R end. And you have to wonder what type of person would sleep with a married man anyway. I suppose the buzz of a new R can easily cloud a moral compass.
As I mentioned, we are to sign our official legal separation papers this week or next. And now my H is wanting to keep the door open for us to get to know one another again. The grass isn't always greener. As I told him from the very start you don't get both - a GF and a wife. He chose. I accepted it. He lost out. Big time.
My point? Do what is best for you but don't use dating or another person to heal or detach because it just won't happen. All you are doing is delaying your ability to be happy on your own first.
If you do go out on a date. make it a date. Do something fun. Have light conversation. Treat the other person as a new friend. Could be a game of pool or something light. Space them apart. Going out with old friends is not a date its a night out. I think sometimes we cannot make a difference between dates and hanging out with friends.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
CityGirl, Funny I just saw a bumper sticker today that said Bite me City Girls. But that's not why I'm posting.
Finally, Finally, Finally, someone has posted something on the topic of dating that doesn't sound like bar room advice. I've read several posts on here that read "make your spouse jealous and she will come running back to you." That may be true but I'm not sure that jealousy is the strongest foundation of a long term relationship.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
Agree with CityGirl, and C-Bart. Probably the best post I've seen on the topic yet.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
My counselor and I just had this discussion yesterday. About how H's new R with OW is just that, a distraction for him from any sort of reality, real intimacy, real health and/or personal growth in his life. And while I may be feeling like I'm getting the short end of the stick at the moment by having to experience the deep pain of loneliness and abandonment brought on by his actions, it is also getting better and easier to deal and cope with it all each and every day because I am actually "feeling" it all and walking through my pain instead of trying to distract or numb it all out in a fantasy world. And eventually, when the time is right, should this be the ending and final conclusion to our story, there will be another individual who will treat me with the respect, dignity, honor, and loyalty that I deserve. I am growing in my self-esteem every day and know how high my value and worth is now.
Thank you again for your candid post. It will be one that I am saving to re-read when I need some reminders and reflection.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
