I posted in the newcomers but needed advice

[Stronger]

You have got to detach. You have got to stop being so available to him. When he says he doesn't need or want you say nothing. Is that really new to you? Is it really news?

Plan your life and do things. He either will want to be with you all or he won't.

Pay attention to what works and what doesn't. What gets a positive reaction from him and what doesn't. But you have to live your life for you and then for your children. Stop living it for him.

[karen43]

The truth is...I am scared. I am scared because what if I push him away for good. I am scared to be a single parent and what if I do not find love again. I am scared because I grew up so normal( well no one is normal..everyone has issues) and I want that for my kids. I do not want them to be shuffled around and have to deal with step family issues. It scares me.

I used to be like this; my main motivation was fear. It's not a good way to live life. Scared to be a single parent? Aren't you kind of already? Your H sounds like a very dysfunctional guy, and prob. you are your children's stable parent. Shuffled around? From what you say, if your H would have any custody it should be a tiny bit of supervised visitation. I think any reasonable judge would prob. place your children with you. What if you don't find love again? Well, I don't think you have that now really, and I 100% believe you can in future.

I do let him puppet me because I hurt.

Actually I think you hurt b/c you let him puppet you. When he is drunk and or/verbally abusive you and your kids should not have to be exposed to that.

Honestly, I do not understand what I did to him that was so awful...why he hates me SO much and why did he stop loving me!

There's a thing called projection where one hates themselves they project that onto someone else. I suspect your H hates himself actually. I also don't think active alcoholics can love anyone including themselves. That's not about you, but about him.

I honestly do not know how to turn this around. Nothing I do seems to matter to him...he is not scared of losing me at all.

He knows you're too scared to leave him so he has no fear of losing you. You need to go to al-anon, read about codependency, detachment, try some IC, etc. There are some AWESOME threads on boundaries and detachment in the Newcomers section (the first couple pages usually). You need to read them and apply what you read.

[swimmingupstream]

Thank you all for the GREAT ADVICE:)
The OW or supposed OW or whatever the heck you want to call the b* is getting under my skin...she is so fake I cannot stand it. She pretends to run because I run..she pretends her child goes to a private school because my child does. I cannot get over it. I really cannot. The ONLY reason I am jealous of her is because my H wanted her and NOT ME! Other than that why pretend to be someone you are not? It IRKS the crap out of me. I changed the pictures on my desk..what do you know the Wh*()*&*(& changes her pictures..She spends all day texting someone and emailing and I cannot help but think is it my H. Let us keep in mind that she 3 CHILDREN..3! I cannot STAND people that are fake.
HELP! She does this SH** on purpose. How do I get over this. This has been 3 years of my life trying to be better than her. Better because my H wanted her...and I think okay..I have stopped nagging, I keep the house clean..I have lost 50 lbs..what the H*** is wrong with me. I NEVER talk about the R.
I have made some pretty big changes..yet...the ex OW(my ex bfriend) I will never get over the fact that even though she is a lying, coniving, B** who is so fake she cannot get her own head out of her a** I am so freaking jealous of and I dont know why..I do..I do know..because he could love her but never me! Oh I am so darn annoyed and frustrated right now..I feel like she is trying to steal my life and my identity and i am not kidding!

[K4D]

I also don't think active alcoholics can love anyone including themselves.

Being an alcoholic myself for many years and just in this past year trying to change that, I can say that the above quote could not be more accurate.

Kevin

[swimmingupstream]

Thank you for that. He said he drinks because of me. He said he drinks alot because he cannot stand being around me. It hurts to know that someone you love so much cannot stand the sight of you.

[K4D]

Its not you. He is unhappy with himself and takes it out on you. I used to say the same things to my W and it wasn't true once I stopped drinking. He has to quit drinking and then he will wake up and realize that you are not what makes him unhappy. Until he stops drinking, this is likely to just continue.

Kevin

[K4D]

Without knowing your full sitch, he could be having problems with depression also. It would benefit him to get on some medication combined with not drinking.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you all for the GREAT ADVICE:)
The OW or supposed OW or whatever the heck you want to call the b* is getting under my skin...she is so fake I cannot stand it. She pretends to run because I run..she pretends her child goes to a private school because my child does. I cannot get over it. I really cannot. The ONLY reason I am jealous of her is because my H wanted her and NOT ME! Other than that why pretend to be someone you are not? It IRKS the crap out of me. I changed the pictures on my desk..what do you know the Wh*()*&*(& changes her pictures..She spends all day texting someone and emailing and I cannot help but think is it my H. Let us keep in mind that she 3 CHILDREN..3! I cannot STAND people that are fake.
HELP! She does this SH** on purpose. How do I get over this. This has been 3 years of my life trying to be better than her. Better because my H wanted her...and I think okay..I have stopped nagging, I keep the house clean..I have lost 50 lbs..what the H*** is wrong with me. I NEVER talk about the R.
I have made some pretty big changes..yet...the ex OW(my ex bfriend) I will never get over the fact that even though she is a lying, coniving, B** who is so fake she cannot get her own head out of her a** I am so freaking jealous of and I dont know why..I do..I do know..because he could love her but never me! Oh I am so darn annoyed and frustrated right now..I feel like she is trying to steal my life and my identity and i am not kidding!

Lose the anger or you'll validate his choices. As difficult as letting go of it is, the anger is consuming you. So It doesn't matter if forgiving him seems unfair b/c he's been a jerk and so has she...YOU are being destroyed from the inside. Thus, you must forgive him and let go of this and forgiveness is NOT condonation of an A, nor does it mean it can happen again, or that you are over it, or think it was justified. But without forgiveness, you cannot move forward in your life. Without forgiveness, your h cannot return to you even if he wanted to. Without forgiveness, your children cannot be happy or at peace. Without forgiveness, you cannot be happy or at peace. IT really is not about you being right; it's about being happy.

You have to detach (read about it on this site) and stop letting someone else's "weather" affect your personal climate. LET IT GO...read some Marianne williamson books on "Return to Love" for exercises that helped me, or some other books on forgiveness. I didn't know how to forgive as I never saw it growing up really. Also, you do NOT have to tell your h or OW or anyone that you forgive him. It's not about them at all. This really is FOR YOU and your kids b/c as we can all see and as you know, the anger, the holding onto the pain, is consuming you. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS CONCEPT...IT'S A TOUGH ONE...AND the withholding of forgiveness damns more marriages than anything else, in my opinion. You won't attract anything positive with that holding onto anger stuff going on. Yeah, it's hard. Like Mother Teresa hard. I KNOW...trust me, I know. But it's so worth it no matter what happens. And ironically it does help the M's...but it's also not about that. Know what I mean? Kind of like the 180's and GAL are not about getting them back; they're for us, yet paradoxically they increase the chance of a reconciliation...

God bless you, and I'm sending prayers your way.
(( J- ))

[P17]

So It doesn't matter if forgiving him seems unfair b/c he's been a jerk and so has she...YOU are being destroyed from the inside. Thus, you must forgive him and let go of this and forgiveness is NOT condonation of an A, nor does it mean it can happen again, or that you are over it, or think it was justified. But without forgiveness, you cannot move forward in your life. Without forgiveness, your h cannot return to you even if he wanted to. Without forgiveness, your children cannot be happy or at peace. Without forgiveness, you cannot be happy or at peace. IT really is not about you being right; it's about being happy.

I agree 100% with 25yearsmlc. Only a few weeks ago I was in your position (the OM moved in and the anger and hatred came through). I realised that it was destroying me as it is clearly going to destroy you.

You have to forgive your spouse. Not like I did and come out and say it to them but in your heart and your head. It's one of the most difficult things to do but when you do you will feel a tremendous amount of weight lifting from your shoulders. Your anger, pain and hurt will lift too. It won't go completely, it never ever will, but a lot of it will evaporate (for want of a better word).

I always wondered how people whose family members had been killed by terrorists could stand up and offer forgiveness to them. I'm in no way comparing my situation to theirs but I understand the sense of relief it gives THEM not the other person.

Forgiveness is about you. You owe it to yourself to do it. When you finally reach the point you can do it, you'll wonder why you hadn't before.

It's a long road you're walking down and you'll have good and bad days (today is a bad day for me, the rest of the week has been great) but remember this isn't about you anymore. It's about him. Forgive him, move on with your life and let go. That doesn't mean give up on your marriage, only you will know when to do that, it means give up holding onto him. If you love someone enough, let them go and they may come back. Holding onto him isn't going to work so there is only one other choice.

One other very valuable piece of advice I got from the DR book for people involved in A (as my W is):

Don't believe anything they say and only half of what you see.

It might sound daft, but it's great and accurate advice.

The best thing you could ever have done is come here for advice. I have learned so much in the past couple of weeks. I came here too late so it maybe too late for me but you are here at the start. Take the advice as it will stand you in really good stead.

[25yearsmlc]

Amen p17...it's actually the spouse of an MLC (but a lot of WAS'are in that) who are told to "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do..." I also like the "alien abduction" analogy and how the MLC/WAS can spout out alien spew that totally revises the marital history (to justify their choices and the lbser MUST not fuel their negative perceptions or it only helps the WAS to rationalize their choices...eg., "of course I left him b/c look at his temper/her clingy bitterness" etc) and the spew can hurt like heck but isn't even true...if the data isn't real, then for God's sake ignore it. But don't fuel it with negative images of you with the anger spew of your own.
are you going to let your WAS tell you the sky is green and wonder if you need new glasses? No, your WAS is an alien and their data isn't real....

I can tell you that my h literally does not recall some of the things he said to me and I KNOW he said them. Witnesses, etc. He certainly does not comprehend all the reasons why he did what he did, but as of about 3 months ago, for the first time, I can see that he "gets it" as far as feeling remorse for the damage done and the work he has to do with our children, one in particular. It's his job to repair the R's, not mine. I can only encourage it for all concerned. And I feel for him deeply. But a friend asked me, in effect, why I didn't twist the knife in when he was so humbled and in tears. I recognized her bitterness as something I had when it all began....a real WALL of stopping any recon if I had stayed in that dark place...

She's not a happy person & her m won't survive b/c for all her self righteousness, her inability to forgive her h for whatever wrongs he committed, has stopped HER from being happy and as of today, she looks like the nasty one and her h looks like the aggrieved party. That is what being bitter does...I really do believe the inability or unwillingness to forgive & let go, does more damage to M's than any other one thing...
And it ruins lives b/c the LBSer chooses, in effect, to stay stuck and that hurts so many people. Not just the LBSer but the kids and the family of the LBSer and NOT the WAS!! Ironically it makes it easier for the WAS to stay away b/c the lack of forgiveness eliminates the chance of a recon and makes the lbser look like the "bad guy"...

But this "forgiveness thing" is not easy. We know that. For me it was a learned skill that took lots of teaching. Do what it takes so you can free yourself of the pain...and only you can do it. NOT your h. It's not about him choosing to feel grief and then coming back and then punishing him or OW some more....you only get one life and it's a short one. Don't waste anymore on him than you have to. Your kids will face a setback or a betrayal sometime in their lives. They'll have you as a model of what to do and how to behave. Please show them that your pain is not fatal or eternal. You can and will heal. It's up to you as to when.

(( j ))