I keep reading this word. Over and over it is written that we need to have patience. Now I am beginning to see how much we need.
The big D. I understand the principle in that if I accept the worst that could happen - the big D - then EVERYTHING is easier to handle b/c everything is not as bad. I just don't fully accept it yet - perhaps my hopes and what I believe are 'clouding' my acceptance.
I did not reply to her text. Every second word would have been an expletive, so I just let it go and enjoyed the evening.
I sent her a text in the morning saying' I am here if you would like to talk.' You may think this is backsliding, but I think it has more to do with giving support and allowing me to listen to her and connect. Treating here like a friendly neighbor.
Of course there was no reply. She rang at 8.30pm and spoke to the kids and me.
She asked the boys if they had gone to the event last night. No such luck WAW that I would give you the easy option and cancel the night. You need to live with your choice.
The boys said that they missed her.
When I spoke to her she was full of tears and sobbing. I expected this and saw it for what it was - tears of guilt not true tears of sadness - She chose not to go!
She said the reason why she couldn't go last night was b/c she couldn't bare (?) to leave them at the end of the event - it would have broken their hearts.
She then said she was upset that I had not told her I was going to our Daughters at Xmas - which throws out all her plans. She thinks that she should have heard it from me. I replied ' Whatever happens in our R .....,...,.. a good relationship with our Daughter.' I then told her I knew of her plans of Xmas and that it showed that she did not plan to be back for Xmas. She denied any plans and asked how I knew this. She was surprised when I said that my MIL had told everyone of these plans last month. Silence on the other end of the 'phone.
She then through a fresh batch or tears said that she wanted to see the boys on Xmas eve and Xmas morning. 'I would understand that' I replied. The boys will be at my home at Xmas eve and Xmas day. This could be an interesting request for her to make. 'But there is a few weeks to go till then' I said, to avoid any conflict now and to allow time to be on my side - and it gives her a back door out of a potential argument.
She says she is upset b/c she seems to be messing up everyones lives. 'I can understand how you feel' I said.
I have yet to digest all this.
But all I know is that I had a great time this afternoon in the woods getting dirty and climbing trees with the boys. Then a bit of Nintendo action. Quality bonding. What more could a man want. Especially when both boys gave me big hugs during the day and told me that they loved me and I was a great dad.
At the moment - 90mins after the 'phone call I feel nothing for my WAW. No anger, pity, remorse, any feelings at all. I don't want to do anything to make it easier for her at the moment. I am going to do the best I can, try and keep a positive outlook, and let her drown in a sea of emotions of her own making.
One thing I will say. There has been a MUCH bigger emotive response from my WAW since I have been DB'ing.
I can only imagine the emotions she has been going through today. She tried to play the emotional - I am so sad - card by saying 'I have hardly spoken in the past 24hrs, I feel so bad and I feel like crying all the time. I am fuc**ng up everyone's lives and not getting myself better' 'It must be bad for you' I replied.
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
