Blaming your sign for your behaviors. Heck.. I'm a Pisces.. does that make me fishy?
I care for you, warts and all. The same we all accept and embrace this cadre of friends we've developed over time her.
Gucci is right about successful relationships. Personally I'd substitute being a wimp for being clingy.. because that is a universal trait for both sexes. Confidence in yourself, accepting who you are, being comfortable in your own skin is a magnet, the ultimate attraction.. either that or a puppy.
It's funny. On Sunday I was at a teeming pumpkin farm with glorious vistas, happy families, entertainment and joy in the air. I walked around in my own solitary shell with a book in hand content to isolate myself from what was going on around me. I looked around once I realized what I was doing and worked on relaxing a bit. It's one step at a time to get outta my gourd.
I've been absent from these past few posts b/c I've been lost as of late. I need to recover myself from all of this and find a way to get back moving in the right direction.
I'll try to switch the subject around and hopefully start a new trend.
Ok, work is ok as I'm getting into a rhythm with the subjects I'm teaching. It is getting easier to be more creative, which is a good thing for me as well as for my students.
As for my D6, she's doing well, except for her recent bout w/the Swine Flu. That knocked her out and produced an exchange w/XW about how irresponsible I am as a father, etc.
Speaking of the XW, I did take a step for myself and wrote out all the things that I was upset about and had been hurt by during the process of our D and I decided to send it on to her. I've been dwelling on stuff for so long and I'd been hoping to engage XW in a dialogue about it for MY sake, but she obviously wasn't in agreement of talking about anything ever. She solidified that fact by telling me as much (although in a not so kind way) in an e-mail last night.
So, after some thought last night, I decided today to write her and let her know all the things that hurt me in the process, about why I've learned I acted the way I did, about where I failed to keep up my part as her husband at times, and the other things I've learned on my never-ending journey of self-discovery. I'm pretty sure she'll never respond and she may not even read what I wrote, but in the end it doesn't matter. What is important is I've been able to get my feelings out and provided her w/an opportunity to see my side, if she chooses.
I was careful to make sure there wasn't anything in there that would get me in trouble if she took them to court, so I'm clear there...in case you were wondering.
D and I had a good weekend and I'm going to try and get her on board as our water girl as I look to get back into coaching this year. I'm going to join on the girls' side b/c of my D and she's pretty excited that I'm doing it, so that is making my return that much easier.
Ok, I think that should provide some insight into me for now. I'll look to add some later.
I don't live by my sign, but I do find them interesting to look at from time to time. However, they by no means drive me...but you might be fishy.
I do need to find myself again and that is what I'm setting out to do, regardless of who I'm seeing. If I do continue w/GF at some point, I'll need to drastically change my ways to make sure I'm being taken care of...and this may not be possible w/GF. That is what I'm going to keep an eye on however.
Finally, I don't think I'm being clingy w/GF b/c I've only been detailing my feelings and emotions here. W/her I've stayed away and given her space when she's needed it. I don't talk about my feelings w/her too often, but I do think I got myself too focused on what she wanted and completely forgot about me.
The process, or any process will never work if I forget about me as a critical piece of the equation.
R - Wish you hadn't sent it to her - oh, I have written (and rewritten) that same thing over and over. It just doesn't do any good to give it to them. At least my x has been very adept at turning anything I have said around against me. Just be careful to take care of YOU.
Thanks for the concern. It may be twisted on to me, but if that is the case, then I'm ok w/it. I no longer have to press her for answers b/c she knows what hurt me and knows what I've learned.
So, although she may try to use it against me, I'm ok w/it b/c I've let it out and feel good about her knowing. I've wanted to talk to her about these things to her face, but at least now I've put them out there and I can move on from the hurt.
It feels good in a way to have it out, lifted off of me, and sent out. I'm glad I don't have it any more.
I really feel good about sending it, but I may have to deal w/it in the future as well.
I know it is bringing up the past, but I sent it anyway b/c it was unresolved for me. I've been wanting to sit and have a conversation w/her for so long and I've been keeping all of this inside of me.
So, today, I decided to let it out. I feel good about letting it go. I really do. She NEVER discussed ANYTHING - no discussion, no talking...NOTHING at all.
I told her what crushed me, how much it hurt and why. I admitted where I failed and apologized for that. I laid out my side of how I was affected by the D and now I do feel good...sort of at peace w/XW.
Having it pent up wasn't good for me. I could have written and not sent it, but after thinking about it, I needed her to get it. I needed her to know. I needed it so I could begin to let go of the anger and disappointment I've still be harboring toward her.
So, I did it for me and while she may throw it back on me at sometime, I don't care. I really don't b/c I feel good about it.
I'm not pissed off at XW right now. I think this action will help me to stay this way.
Well, XW wrote back and I responded so we are having our dialogue, except it isn't face to face.
It seems as if she needed some clarification as well, so we'll see if we continue to talk things out. Maybe it can end up helping us both move forward.
So, she wrote back, got angry, accused me of living in a [censored] up reality and stopped talking. Should have guessed it, right?
I thanked her for writing tonight. Commented on some of her feelings and validated others and left it at that.
This book can now be closed by me. It has been a good, but difficult process, but it is one that I think I really needed b/c I'm tired of being angry at XW.
Rehashing the past is emotional, however, so I'm a bit spent. I may be in bed early tonight.
RTL - I'm sorry she lashed out, but it was to be expected (it is what they do). Glad that it is making you feel better, at least. I know for myself that I beat my head against that wall far too many times.
