Hi all-LRT advice?

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Hi all-
Mostly I lurk on this board... Beginning of my sitch is here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...357#Post1804357

Long & short- my MLC WAW has been having PA with OW since last Nov (W was living out of town on long term job assignment). Job ended in June, and W moved back to our town but OW followed her here and they have been staying together at various friend's houses since. W has not wanted to talk about R, and has retained an attorney but not filed for D- wants mediation and an amicable dissolution of our M. A week ago, W moved into her own apt with OW.

I am standing for this M, and am prepared to stand for a long time. After initial shock of A, I have been DBing and tried to act toward my W from a place of grace, dignity, love & compassion. I want to have a foundation of safety & friendship in case her A crashes & she looks back toward what we had for 16 years. W has noticed changes, says "I am doing great" and even thanked me for my help & acknowledged she knew it was hard on me.

The reason I am looking for advice is this- since she "officially" moved out a little over a week ago, we have had no contact. Today I got an email titled "Hi there. Checking In" saying this:
"Hi (my name),
Just checking in. It has been a full week since the move. Have spent only 4 days in the apartment since then.

I did come across a few things that I did not mean to bring along -- all the table linens for example. I want drop them off and visit with (our dog) during the day sometime this week. I also caught a cold so will not look to schedule another working session with you until I am better." That is referring to working on a financial statement to submit for mediation...

She then gives me the update on the big customer account she is trying to win- things are basically on hold and she won't know for several more months if she wins the account. I know that she is concerned that her job would be ripe for downsizing if they don't get this win. She finished with "Speak to you soon. (her name)"

I am trying not to overanalyse her e-mail, but I feel that the last about her job was looking to me for support, to see if I was still there for her. I don't know how to respond since I have basically gone dark. Do I continue with the friendly, supportive tone I have had the last 8 months, or do I now keep it unemotional and strictly business now that she has her own place?

Sorry for the length of this one...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

...

LRT is...

LRT.

Last Resort Technique.

Technique implies a trick, and from my experience it cannot be a trick.

LRT, Arwen, means you are ready, willing, and able to move on. In fact you are looking forward to it.

It is not the same as going dark, or dim.

And it only works if you are done with the old, ready for a new phase of your life...that might include your wife if she comes back, but likely not.

You said it has been one week...which likely felt like a month to you, but it has only been a week...I am not dismissing your pain, just trying to put this into perspective for you.

And after a week she contacted you.

Why did she talk about business?

I do not know. You do not know, I could hazzard that you are correct, or that it is a safe topic and she felt she needed filler.

This part is up to you. Myself? Once my wife was out and it was clear OM was in her life, I choose not to be. Why sould she get the benefit of me being socially nice to her when I couldn't stand the choices she had made?

It is up to you and what you are capable of.

But LRT?

I do not think you are there yet.

[brandnewday]

So what do you want to know exactly?

Keep it nice but with boundaries.

Do you understand what the LRT is exactly?

I remember a while back you had another thread, similar to this.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

OK, I guess am not ready for LRT. Going dark, yes. But not LRT.

I love her with all my heart. I do not want a D, in spite of what she has been doing.

J3B-
We have actually been separated 4 1/2 months. It just took her this long to stop floating from place to place and get her own apartment.

I guess I don't know where the line is between being loving & supportive (but with self-respect, having a life & taking care of myself) and being a plate kept spinning on a stick.

On second thought- I guess the difference is in who is control of me and how I am feeling.

OK- just needed to write it "out loud". :-)

Thanks.

[brandnewday]

You are the only one in control of you and your emotions and your feelings.

Learning how to detach will help you along on this long arduous journey.

You do understand that this could take years, and there are no guarantees, BUT at least you will come away with your self respect and you will know that you did your absolute best.

So, what goals have you set for yourself?

What changes have you made?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Arwen,

: ) I know it has been about 4.5 months. The one week was from last contact until she contacted you.

I may be a guy...but I'm not always stupid.

[brandnewday]

Hi Jack

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hey Pretty Lady. : )

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Sorry Jack- thought you misunderstood. I read a lot of your posts and never ONCE have thought you were stupid!

Here's an interesting update...

Since WAW said she was going to come over and visit with dog "sometime this week" I was not in hurry to answer her e-mail (plus I have had cold & felt like cr@p). So yesterday (day after e-mail) I get a text that she is on her way to the house.

OK no biggie. I texted back that I had received her e-mail, sorry I hadn't responded, but I had the plague as well and was not feeling well the last few days. There were two bags on the table that was stuff for her.

So I get home last night, and the first thing I see when I get in the door is that she moved two chairs and a lamp to fill in the space where she had moved out a piece of furniture!

I suppose I should set boundaries, be firm and read her the riot act- after all, she has moved out, and is living with someone else. She has her own space, and I have the house, even if she is still part owner. But truth be told, I found it just so funny that I wouldn't have been able to talk to her without laughing. She has a funny idea of what "moving out " means.... :-D

[Jack_Three_Beans]

: ) Good sense of humor.

I would have been (mentally) "Thanks for trying to camoflauge the huge gap there...fail."