For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

I'm back from NY. I had such an amazing time! It was so fun and so fab! Although I missed my DD, it was so nice to have a break.

So...while I was in NY, H and I did text a little. But I didn't really feel bad about it or feel like I was "breaking the rules" bc I know I surprised the crap out of him by just going. I've been saying for such a loooong time that I wanted a vacation and I've also said many times before that I was going to visit my friend, but this time I finally did it! I'm talking HUGE 180/GAL for me. So go me! lol

And I'll tell ya what...after seeing my friend and her husband - it was a real eye opener. Her H could (and should!) win the husband of the year award for everything he did for us this weekend. You wouldn't believe the things he did - like climbing up a tree so he could take really cool pictures of us lying in the grass and leaves at Central Park, carrying our shopping bags of perfume and purses (all day), taking the same pictures with 3 different cameras (so we could each have all the pics), baking us chocolate chip cookies, getting us fresh NY bagels in the morning - the list goes on and on. I was blown away by his thoughtfulness.

And I got to thinking...I deserve so much better! Now I totally understand that not every man is going to do the things my best friend's H does. BUT...I'm so tired of my H's crap! I'm tired of waiting for him to decide if he wants to be married, if he wants to work on things, etc...Seriously, I just want to tell him...well...the nice version would be to go jump off a cliff.

Seeing a marriage that is filled with love, kindness, thoughtfullness, respect, selflessness and many other loving characteristics makes me wonder why I'm putting up with my H's crap. I mean really - he's been gone for over a year. Enough is enough!

I'll always love him and yes, I do still want to save my marriage. But, I'm so close to being done. The things he's said and done this past year are so selfish and unbelievable. And I'm fed up. I'm sitting here thinking - why do I want him back? At this point...he drinks too much, starting smoking more (used to only smoke when he was out drinking beer with the guys), plays too much poker, won't go back to church or try any kind of counseling. So like really...why do I want him? I DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He needs to wake up and get it through his fat head, that I'm not gonna sit around and wait forever. Besides the 180s and GAL, what else can I do to show him that I'm moving forward? Or what do you do to show your spouse the same thing (that you won't wait forever).

I've been doing 180s and GAL for a month now with no positive changes from him. I don't want my DD to come from a broken home, I don't want a divorce, but I cannot keep living this way. MY HAPPINESS MATTERS TOO!

I love being in a relationship and no matter how much I GAL, I'm tired of not having a man in my life. I'm tired of not being hugged, kissed, thanked, appreciated. I'm tired of going to bed and waking up to a house without a husband.

Ugh...And regardless of the tone of this post, I really am upbeat and feeling good. NY helped to refresh me, but it also gave me a new perspective. I'm a great lady and I deserve more! : )

Am I perfect - NO! Are there changes I have to make - YES! Should I have a man in my life who loves me, respects me, wants to hug me, kiss me, and spend his time with me - YES!

So....

Where do I go from here? Do I want to keep fighting for my marriage - yes. But what do I do at this point to say I'm moving on - with or without him...that I can find my own happiness. What do I do to demonstrate that I'm not standing for his crap any longer? How do I flip all of this and make it about me, not him? He doesn't notice anyting - how do I get his attention?

Jeez...so many questions today. I feel good, but I've had a wake up call. It's high time my H gets his head out of his a$$ cause this little lady is ready to put some boots on and walk all over him.