For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Okay got a question. So I sent H a text today to remind him about his nephew's bday party. Yes, I could have just waited until tonight when I saw him, but I have so much to do today that I wanted to mark it off my list.

He texted back asking if I wanted to drink and ML (that's the nice version) tonight. ????
I haven't replied. What in the world would I even say?

[courts0818]

And this is the first night he's stayed in our house in OVER A YEAR!!!!!!!!!!! He's just staying bc I'm leaving so early.

[courts0818]

Okay so I ignored that comment. But what about while im in NY. Should I contact him at all? I want to call each day and talk to DD. I don't want to be sad wishing he was there with me. : (

[ClingingToHope]

I was given advice to text saying your going to call to talk to DD in five minutes. Otherwise, the DB rules say no pursuing, texting, calling, etc.

[LuLu]

If you want to have sex then do it. If you don't just say no. Don't explain why (that was my mistake- I would get so wordy), just say nope, not interested or something along those lines.

I would just give him a heads up before you leave saying that you will be calling to speak to dd daily. When you do call, keep it short and don't volunteer any info. You are busy having fun, no time to chat with H. Got to go. Thanks for letting me talk to DD... buh bye.

[LuLu]

I forgot to say...have a great time!! DD is going to be fine. You really need this and so does she. She is in good hands. No you go and have some fun, fun, fun!!

[bluerain]

I hope that your having fun in NY!

[courts0818]

I'm back from NY. I had such an amazing time! It was so fun and so fab! Although I missed my DD, it was so nice to have a break.

So...while I was in NY, H and I did text a little. But I didn't really feel bad about it or feel like I was "breaking the rules" bc I know I surprised the crap out of him by just going. I've been saying for such a loooong time that I wanted a vacation and I've also said many times before that I was going to visit my friend, but this time I finally did it! I'm talking HUGE 180/GAL for me. So go me! lol

And I'll tell ya what...after seeing my friend and her husband - it was a real eye opener. Her H could (and should!) win the husband of the year award for everything he did for us this weekend. You wouldn't believe the things he did - like climbing up a tree so he could take really cool pictures of us lying in the grass and leaves at Central Park, carrying our shopping bags of perfume and purses (all day), taking the same pictures with 3 different cameras (so we could each have all the pics), baking us chocolate chip cookies, getting us fresh NY bagels in the morning - the list goes on and on. I was blown away by his thoughtfulness.

And I got to thinking...I deserve so much better! Now I totally understand that not every man is going to do the things my best friend's H does. BUT...I'm so tired of my H's crap! I'm tired of waiting for him to decide if he wants to be married, if he wants to work on things, etc...Seriously, I just want to tell him...well...the nice version would be to go jump off a cliff.

Seeing a marriage that is filled with love, kindness, thoughtfullness, respect, selflessness and many other loving characteristics makes me wonder why I'm putting up with my H's crap. I mean really - he's been gone for over a year. Enough is enough!

I'll always love him and yes, I do still want to save my marriage. But, I'm so close to being done. The things he's said and done this past year are so selfish and unbelievable. And I'm fed up. I'm sitting here thinking - why do I want him back? At this point...he drinks too much, starting smoking more (used to only smoke when he was out drinking beer with the guys), plays too much poker, won't go back to church or try any kind of counseling. So like really...why do I want him? I DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He needs to wake up and get it through his fat head, that I'm not gonna sit around and wait forever. Besides the 180s and GAL, what else can I do to show him that I'm moving forward? Or what do you do to show your spouse the same thing (that you won't wait forever).

I've been doing 180s and GAL for a month now with no positive changes from him. I don't want my DD to come from a broken home, I don't want a divorce, but I cannot keep living this way. MY HAPPINESS MATTERS TOO!

I love being in a relationship and no matter how much I GAL, I'm tired of not having a man in my life. I'm tired of not being hugged, kissed, thanked, appreciated. I'm tired of going to bed and waking up to a house without a husband.

Ugh...And regardless of the tone of this post, I really am upbeat and feeling good. NY helped to refresh me, but it also gave me a new perspective. I'm a great lady and I deserve more! : )

Am I perfect - NO! Are there changes I have to make - YES! Should I have a man in my life who loves me, respects me, wants to hug me, kiss me, and spend his time with me - YES!

So....

Where do I go from here? Do I want to keep fighting for my marriage - yes. But what do I do at this point to say I'm moving on - with or without him...that I can find my own happiness. What do I do to demonstrate that I'm not standing for his crap any longer? How do I flip all of this and make it about me, not him? He doesn't notice anyting - how do I get his attention?

Jeez...so many questions today. I feel good, but I've had a wake up call. It's high time my H gets his head out of his a$$ cause this little lady is ready to put some boots on and walk all over him.

[LuLu]

Who are you?? Looks like someone is detaching! I am so happy that you had a wonderful time. You deserved a break.

Gosh, Court. I don't have any of those answers. Definitely keep doing the 180's and GAL'ing because those are working for you. As far as the next step, well, are you ready to file? That would be the ultimate step. I can't remember if you read DR or not but have you set small goals and/or journaling? This is the only way to know if you are making progress. It's a slow process. The other thing would be to set boundaries for H.

I agree with you, you do deserve better. It's hard to decide whether it's more important for your dd to not have her parents divorced or for you to find your happiness. Tough choice. I struggle with that often and suspect will still do for quite some time.

[courts0818]

Lulu,
As you know, for the last month I have been working really hard at detaching. But, the big motivator for me was seeing my BFF and her husband. He is kind, thoughtful, patient, understanding, helpful, generous, considerate, respectful, affectionate - the list goes on and on.

Before the trip, I knew he was an amazing guy. But actually staying with them for a few days and observing them - I remembered how great a marriage can be. And I sat there thinking - Wow...I've waited for over a year for a man who puts himself before anyone else, makes terrible choices, drinks, smokes and gambles too much, disrespects and deceives me, walked out on me, blamed me and ran away like a coward. Well come on...WTH? What am I doing?

I still want this marriage to work, but how much longer can I do this - especially when he puts forth NO effort.

IDK what to do. I don't want to file, but I don't want to keep living this way.

I read both DR and DB, but it's been a year ago. Honestly, I don't even remember reading about setting small goals/journaling. Guess I should pull them back out.

Set what kind of boundaries? I used to allow him to pop in whenever he wanted, but now we have a schedule. If he wants to come over on a different time, he texts me to ask about it.

He is doing things that make me think he might be paying attention and/or that he sees me GAL - some examples: I got home on Monday night. On Tuesday morning, I sent him a text asking if he could watch DD on Tues. night & Wed. night bc I had things going on. He texted back and was really surprised to hear that I had MORE things I wanted to do after just getting back.

And tonight I had a class at the hospital - I put perfume on before I left and I noticed H looked at me right before I walked out the door - a few mintues later he sent me this, "Why u gotta be smelling all pretty for work?" And when I got home, I noticed him looking at me and he said something about me having a hickey on my neck (I guess I had a red spot from scratching it or something). Also, he asked if I got a new memory card for the camera - so he must have gone through my camera and looked at the pictures from NY.

Great - maybe he is paying a little bit of attention, but is he ever going to do anything about it????? Like talk about our marriage, try MC, try moving back home?

Ahhhhhh.......