Can I save my marriage?

[chatterbug]

Think of it this way. You were Plan A. Then came along Plan B but I could lose Plan A and Plan B so I need a Plan C. Your Plan C.
His problem is that he does not realize that you have your own plans

[Heartbroken20]

Think of it this way. You were Plan A. Then came along Plan B but I could lose Plan A and Plan B so I need a Plan C. Your Plan C.
His problem is that he does not realize that you have your own plans

Thanks, I like that one!

[Lll54]

I like it too. But how do you get him to realize you have your own plans?

[TrentC]

I like it too. But how do you get him to realize you have your own plans?

By not taking part in his. If your plans start interfering with his, he'll start to get the point.

Especially if he asks you to change them and you say "no" or "you can't".

[CityGirl]

Britt54 -

Your questions indicate you are not detached or don't fully understand the concept of detaching. Detaching is for YOU and the betterment of your present and future. It is a long and hard process, I wont lie about that, but it will help you become more stable as an individual (I am not suggesting you are unstable but a divorce brings out instability in many, many ways). It will help you see that even if your marriage does not work out you will be okay.

So really, who cares if your H notices you are changing and getting a life? It shouldn't matter because it's all for you and your children. It's for you and their well being, not to impress or try and "win" back your H.

When you are fully detached what he says or does or doesn't say or doesn't do will have little bearing on you. Of course there will be days of sadness and hurt. As I said, we are human beings and not robots. But how you deal with that hurt is the key to healing. Don't ignore it.. feel it and work through it. I highly suggest seeing a counselor for YOU.

Make moves and plans and improvements for you. Begin to rebuild your life as if your H is NOT coming back and the only R the two of you will have is that of co-parents.

Be vague about what you do if he asks. Offer no information and don't ask about what he is doing. Add some mystery to yourself. You have the power to change the dynamic so you can get to a better place.

If I can do it so can you. At one point last year my H told my he could see all kinds of changes in me but they just weren't good enough for him. Okay. That's fine. I didn't improve my life to be "good enough" for him. I improved my life so I could *have* a good life for me. When he said that to me I simply said in a very good tone "thanks for sharing your thoughts and have a great day!". Again, not the reaction he was expecting but at that point I had stopped allowing him to control me.

I made new friends, I restructured my business (I am self employed) and I volunteered with lots of projects in my community. I took a yoga and pole dancing class. ALL FOR ME!

Did he notice? Who cares! I noticed and felt better and that was and continues to be my goal. He filled his days/nights with an affair and constant partying. I chose to add substance to my life along with counseling and a goal to be the best woman I could be. I still have lots of work to do but I am on that path.

[Lll54]

That makes perfect sense...once again. Thank you Trent. I'm gonna work on that this week.

[Lll54]

Citygirl, you're right. I understand detaching, but at the same time I don't understand detaching. Ugh. I do feel like alot of what I do is for H right now. Everything I do is for H right now. Everyday when I wake up I think, okay I what do I need to do today that will bring my H back. Its pathetic. I am seeing a counsellor. But we are still in the stages of making the changes I need to make in order to have a happy healthy marriage with my H. Not yet to the part of making changes for me. Sometimes its hard to want to make changes for "me" because who do I have to share those changes with? Who do I have to share the new me with? Nobody! So what is the point? I know, I know. I get it, but those things go through my head alllll the time! And I think that is why the changes I'm making, and the new things I'm doing with my life all still reflect back on to my H. Because as much as I say I'm doing it for me, I definitely am doing it for my H. I was starting to let go and do things for me about a week ago. The last I heard from my H was that nothing has changed and he has no desire to come home. So there was one day where he called twice. No that was unheard of in the last two weeks! And really I felt like I was at a point where it didn't even bother me, I didnt even analyze it. Which was a huge step for me! I honestly had no hope in our M at that time. I don't know if you read my whole thread, but friday he was here and we had a HUGE breakthrough! He told me how much change he has seen in me, and we discussed the future. We had a few hours of intimacy and it was great! A couple days later he asked me to spend some family time with him and the kids and then he came over for supper. Completely unheard of a few weeks ago. So I guess the hard part is getting back to where I was when I had no hope. Its hard to detach when you have all this other stuff happening. I have this HUGE hope now something I didn't have 2 weeks ago. And I don't know how to deal with it.??

[CityGirl]

The only way to deal with it is to detach. You are on an emotional roller coaster and only you can decide to get off. Once you decide to just roll with things day by day then lots of contact or no contact or something in between wont make a bit of difference to you.

It seems odd to me that a counselor would focus on the marriage part when your H has no interest in being part of the marriage counseling process. I would think it is far more important to focus on you.

Also, the WAS and the LBS have very different perception of things. What you thought was a HUGE breakthrough could have been nothing more than a casual chat in your H's eyes. Because you are not detached you have expectations.

Everybody needs to have hope about something. Have hope for you and your children. That is the sort of hope you can control.

[Lll54]

So true. Never thought of it that way. It could have meant absolutely nothing to him! Errr...

H went to the first MC session alone, then I went alone, then we went together so MC does know the WHOLE sitch. That's why he is working on my changes for the M. Also, when I talked to my MC the other day he informed me that he called H to check in and they set up a meeting. H hasn't told me that yet, but just him going again is a bonus. He hasn't gone since he moved out, so I'm hoping this is a positive step. We will see. You're right about the expectations thing. Until I am detached I will have them. And that's the basics. I understand that, so now I am going to work on detaching. I don't want those expectations. They just bring me down. Thanks citygirl.

[TrentC]

So true. Never thought of it that way. It could have meant absolutely nothing to him! Errr...

Why is why you need to set the boundary, and get some kind of protection in case he manages to sweep you off your feet again.

You're right about the expectations thing. Until I am detached I will have them. And that's the basics. I understand that, so now I am going to work on detaching. I don't want those expectations. They just bring me down. Thanks citygirl.

You can always come here to vent. We're good listeners.

Another good idea would be to carry a small journal with you when you're out and about -- when you get those feelings, write them out and them let them go.