Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[brownidmom]

Thanks, Gardener and Stardust.

Hi Brownidmom,
I read through some of your posts after you had responded to my newcomer post. Thanks for your input. I have a lot of trust issues with my W and our MC said something that rang true and may apply to your situation....untrustworthy behavior cracks the foundation of a marriage, but mistrust can be equally damaging (as you are living in your R). I also experienced physical and emotional abandonment as a child and those experiences has made my responses to my W's untrustworthy behavior (e.g., regular text, calls, and emails to ex boyfriends with whom she maintained friendships) highly exaggerated. In your H's case, this appears to be a major blind spot for him (it was for me) as it is not reasonable for him to continue to punish you for things that happened so long ago and before you had a committed relationship. It sounds like you have been open and transparent with him, given him reassurances, etc. and that he is still jealous without cause. His responses are destroying your R and until he sees that and does the work necessary to trust you again, it will be hard for you both to repair the R. Somehow he is making you responsible for his mistrust, and that is not fair. It may help for you to try to hold some compassion for him though, as his mistrust is in part the result of childhood trauma that is not his fault. I know that when my wife responds to my suspicions with anger, it only convinces me more that she is lying to me. That said, I have also learned through the past couple of years of my R struggles that you cannot fix the other person or make them see things as you do or demand them to respond the way you want. I feel your frustration and sadness over this....in your unique case, traditional detachment techniques may not help you meet your goals as it seems to only fuel his mistrust. I think detachment for you must take the form of protecting yourself and your children from his destructive jealousy. But he needs to work on his issues, and take responsibility for what he is doing to create this situation. I am confused by his unwillingness to go to MC. It is almost like he is purposefully trying to perpetuate this painful situation. He has to understand that you cannot make him trust you....all you can do is answer his questions and be open, loving, and understanding (despite the fact that you are totally justified in being angry). The rest of the work is his to do. Hang in there....coming from another jealous spouse, try to be kind and understanding, that will help maintain an environment in which he can feel safe....something he probably never really felt in his life at some level.

I believe his issues with being abandoned by his father might be the only reason we are still in the same house. H will not make the same mistake with the boys. That said, H also realizes how important it is for kids to have both parents available to them. I love him for being such a loyal father.

As far as the mistrust, I'm not sure that he cares to ever trust me again. He has created scenarios in his head that are absolutely ridiculous with no merit whatsoever. I will need to read back through my posts to see if I've ever said this before, so please forgive if it is a repeat; he once woke up one morning and accused me of sleeping with his brother. Why? Because he dreamed it. His brother and I may have ever touched once and that was on my wedding day, don't know if we shook hands or shared a hug, either way, completely benign and meant only out of respect for my H. "No, I can't believe you would even suggest such a thing." H: "Well then, it was somebody else close to me, maybe my cousin..." You get the picture.

Nope, I think H is done. And to be perfectly honest, right now, in this very moment, so am I. Do I love him? Yes. Does he love me? I am sure of it. Can I continue to live my life without talking to my h? Without sharing a smile, a hug, a moment- EVER? NO, I CANNOT!!!

I keep praying and praying. I feel that what I don't know how to do is listen. When I come to a point where I can say, "Yes, I have it in me to do this for another day," I believe it is God's answer to me. Then when he starts his crap, and doesn't utter a sound to me unless he has to, doesn't look at me, makes it a point to let me know we are NOT together, I just think that God wouldn't allow this to keep going for so long if it wasn't a sign to me to end it.

I am a very spiritual person, am totally committed to the idea of marriage, specifically my marriage, and I cannot even believe that I am considering walking away, but I am. There, I said it again. I just don't see how I can do this for much longer. I here others talk about LIMBO. I have been living in LIMBO for almost 7 years. My youngest son has never even heard his father tell his mother that he loves her and my eldest hasn't heard it since he was 2, so I'm sure he doesn't remember. Tough, very tough.