You are in a state of desparation and it shows big time. She doesn't need to see your when you are like this. You want to "fix" this broken R and you can't fix this like you would fix a flat tire on a car. Being the man you naturally are.....the fact that you can't find a quick cure to this stitch, is very difficult on you. But, the sooner you can calm down, the better you will be able to think properly. You don't want to screw up and make matters worse, right?
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she'll leave and I won't see her again possibly until next weekend if I don't pursue her at all. I feel like there is so much downward momentum that it is just sucking us in.
This is an example of how you are not thinking DB. You "can't" think when you allow emotions to rule! You should know that the number one technique in DB is no pursuing. I promise you this.....if you pursue her, she will see how quick and how far she can get away from you! Now is that what you want? Stop and use your head man.
Okay, so your family already knows about the trouble. So much for keeping it quiet, huh? Well, mom is hurting b/c this hurts you, and think how you would feel if it were happening to your D sometime in the future. It is hard on families.....even if it is your business, it is still painful on your loved ones.
Will you listen to something I have to say? Your W would have left you....regardless of how you may have handled the situation yesterday or the day before or the day after.....she was going to leave you. Stop allowing what she says to get to you. You are taking blame b/c she wants you to be the bad guy. Stop it. You've got to be your best friend.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are getting some superb advice from Sandi and Coach. They have helped me more than they will probably ever realize.
A lot of what you will read here and in DR is counter-intuitive. It doesn't seem like it will work, but it can. No guarantee, but if you save your M, I believe it will be through DB'ing. It won't be easy and it will take some time.
You have to stop the pursuit. HAVE TO. This is probably the hardest thing to do early on. But, the more you pursue, the quicker and farther she will run away.
You have to get busy working on you. What needs changing? Identify those areas, then make hte needed changes. Don't tell your W, don't talk about them to her, just live them.
More later, but these are the two most immediate needs I see that you need to address.
Roller coaster weekend. I don't even care to post it all and relive Saturday morning. Basically it went from me yelling and her crying, to a godsend of a visit from her parents and a calm talk between us all. Eventually led to neither of us moving out (For now) and us agreeing to work on it for real one last time. Have to go to MC together. Instead of me just going out like I was the couple nights before, she asked me to stay for dinner and a movie at home. We watched it in the bedroom and then I retired to the guest room when it was over. Then Sunday we spent the day together going to the gym and then driving up to see her grandfather. We are being more civil now which is nice and ended up having a decent weekend together. I need to show a real and material change in myself if there is to be any hope in turning this around. My W just needs alot more love than I've been giving her and it's going to be hard to win her back. She is very different than me in that she notices every little thing and remembers it forever. Every little small gesture goes into this automatic database in her head. It's really amazing and scary at the same time and we talked about it last night a little.
Right now we are sort of in this friend zone and she has a wall up because of how neglectful I've been. I'm really just trying to be more attentive and thoughtful without overly pursuing/pressuring/smothering. It is tough and like walking the edge of of a razor. She's off today and she's been texting me and couple me a couple of times too.
I'm in a better mindset than I had been and I think it is the reason she's pinging me and wanting to talk more. I'll have to update again in a day or two after seeing where this goes. She's going to band practice tonight and said she didn't want to go but she'll see me after. Wish me luck. I need to be the me I was before work took over my life a few years ago.
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
Last night was non-eventful. I maintained positive vibes. Didn't talk R. We talked D2 a little, she said she called a MC for us. We did some stuff around the house and then watched a TV show together before retiring to separate BRs.
This AM I got an early workout in and came back to help around the house and get D2 ready for daycare before heading to work. It got a positive response and then a phone call on my drive into work saying how much she appreciated me helping out. I talked a little and asked how her day was looking before saying that I'd talk to her later. I'm headed out to meet a guy I know who is going through a D for drinks later. I may/may not see her tonight before I go to bed.
I still have a feeling she is having an EA with this guy and texting him alot. I'm fairly certain nothing has happened physically. During our Saturday morning rampage when she was crying and tried to hit me a couple times I stupidly pressed her on it and it is what triggered the meltdown. The hardest part for me is knowing who he is by name and face and wanting to tear his head off, which is what I would have done 7 or 8 years ago instantly. I've not brought it up sense with her and won't even though it eats away at me on the inside a little. I need to keep the positive vibes flowing, win her heart back, become a better man....I feel like that loser in the friend zone who just can't get out of it. It sucks. Then this AM she is parading around in her underwear while she is "getting ready". C'mon man.
I'm thinking about buying a guitar and teaching it to myself at night before I go to bed since we are in different BRs and watching TV is only cool for me if she's with me, otherwise it bores the hell out of me and the more active I stay the better right now.
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
I struggle with the same types of issues that you do NAGL. I know it is hard but the one thing I keep telling myself over and over is "I can only control myself and my actions".
It isn't always easy esp. with me being co-dependent. That is my main goal right now which is to focus on me and not to worry about pissing her off, what she is doing. I am also working on making myself happy but it is a wild ride.
I feel for you but I am really glad to hear that you guys are staying in the same house and going to MC together.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
I had told her I was going to meet someone after work yesterday for drinks. I told her who beforehand. Then one of my other friends called me and he came by too. I also saw a couple other people I hadn't seen in a long time. Well, she waited up for me watching TV and then asked me about it and who was there. I just him and him and a couple other people. She starts pressing me and was asking if she knew the others. I just said nah, you don't them. Then she starts calling me sketchy. Ya, I'm the sketchy one...She ended up getting flustered when I didn't pour the details on and then just went to bed in a tizzy. I was sort of laughing to myself but annoyed too because I wanted to talk to her about fixing some stuff up at our house but didn't want to press for a conversation. I just went to bed. Then I woke up early to workout and was out of there early to catch the train after so didn't talk to her this AM. I left a brief note asking her to return a couple movies for me...that's it.
I'll take this one as a good annoyance. She seems to at least care what I'm doing regardless of her telling me she doesn't. I also noticed her checking my facebook profile. I had a chain of friendings of some old college friends. All 5 are women I used to know. Maybe something for her to think about.
Eh, we'll see what happens tonight. I was curious if any of the MC called her back from Monday but don't want to be the one to bring it up. I have a name now too and will call them and mention it when there is an opening or she brings it up first...
I'm to impatient. I feel like I've been in pergatory forever. Just GALing the best I can and been doing a couple 180s with some house chores and stuff.
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
Read this article: [url=http://www.shearonforschools.com/learned_optimism.htm][/url]
Pay attenntion to the ABCDE part.
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A = Adverse event or situation
B = Beliefs about that event
C = Consequences of those beliefs
D = Disputation and Distraction
E = Energization
This will help settle your mind and let you use one of your strengths productively.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Wed night. Took an early train home.We hadn't talked at all throughout the day. She called me when I was on the train and just wanted to let me know what was going on. She and D2 weren't going to be home til 8:30 because she had band practice. I got home early and decided I was going to paint a bunch of trim because all of the sudden this whole sitch has kind of woken me up and I don't feel like watching TV ever I guess. So, I end up cutting myself on a rusty piece of metal and being a man I wash it off and ducktape some paper towels on it to stop the bleeding and continue painting. Of course she comes home and calls her mom and they both say I need to go to the emergency room and get a tetanus shot. I finally went after I finished painting.
Thurs AM - After getting home late and not sleeping alot I decided to "work from home". W and I both slept much later than usual and we both woke up at the same exact time (separate beds)..I helped her get the baby ready and she was thankful. Then I decided to rip off a quick 10k run. When I got back instead of working I did more painting, went to home depot to buy a couple of doors and more paint. Picked up D2 from daycare since I was home and did a bunch more stuff around the house. W got home a little after 8 and I wrapped up painting and just sort of decompressed. We watched a show together for an hour and then I said I was going to bed and I went to my exile room.
This AM, non-eventful. She's off today. We'll see if she calls or txts. Her mom called ME last night. Gave me some well wishes and positive feedback. She's great.
Whatever. I'm continuing to be Mr. Happy even though I'm not so much. Helping out more where I can which she appreciates. We are both going out separately this weekend. She's looking for something to do tonight but wasn't sure if she felt like going she said.
At least we are playing nice...still want to play a little nicer though. Listened to the 5 love languages on CD on my commute now. Just started on the way in today. Not bad...
Down but not out.
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
Update. Took a few days off from this site because it depresses me.
Continuing where I left off. We had both planned to do our own thing this weekend. So, I stopped by a happy hour with a running group that I'm part of and met up with some other people I knew. Then I came home so she could go out. Saturday we were going to switch and she was going to go to an early party and come back so I could go out.
So, I got back from happy hour and there was a little tension. She went to get ready and I sort of ignored her and started painting a ceiling in a hallway. She came back pretty quick from going out. We talked a little and she tried to hang out with me in the "guest" room but apparantly I was acting funny and she said how awkward it was and then her anger about everything serviced. I validated that I understood her anger and frustration of this situation building for so long but didn't go overboard. I then gave her space and went to the room I'm hanging out in now. She ended up coming over a few minutes later and giving me a big hug and cuddled with me in bed and aplogizing for getting angry but it's something that is hard for her right now. I said not to worry and then after awhile she went back to her room.
Saturday W had to work. I was doing more house stuff during the day and hanging out with D2. W came home in the afternoon and we were keeping it light and getting along. I think she had thought alot about us during the day or something. Anyway, she had a party to go to, but said she didn't feel like going and I said that I wasn't so sure I was going to go out either because it was nasty outside. I had grabbed a bottle of wine for the party she was hitting up to give to the person. She then said she was going to go and say hi to everyone and then would like to just grab dinner and movie and come back and hang out with me. We ended up snuggling up in bed and watching a movie. At one point she said it might not be a good idea because she was horny. I didn't act on it because I didn't want to confuse the sitch. She had changed into some skimpy outfit that was torturing me but I didn't take the bait.
Sunday W, D2 and I spent all day and night together. We went all over the place. Had a great day. Got along. I felt really connected to her for the first time in awhile. I was really listening to her and enjoying being with her. That evening she cooked me dinner. She ended up kissing me and hugging me. It then turned into a real kiss that we both enjoyed and she mentioned being horny again and that how she didn't want to put off the vibe that everything is ok now, but that she had a good time today but we still had alot of work to do. We talked about counseling really briefly. She was sore from working out and we stretched eachother out and gave brief massages. Then snuggled on the couch a little before going to bed in our separate rooms.
Monday After work I came home and we chatted some more and got along. On her way home, she slipped on the phone and said "I love you" to me before hanging up. I haven't heard that in a few weeks. I gave her a massage last night too. I had to get ready for a business trip I'm leaving on today (Tuesday) for the night. She said how she didn't want me to go either after I commented that I didn't feel like going. I said I need to go to bed so went to my room to lay down. She came in and asked if she could lay with me for a little bit. We just layed there and chatted for a few minutes before she went back to her room.
Tuesday She had told me to say goodbye if she was sleeping before I left today so I went and gave her a kiss goodbye before heading out. Haven't talked to her since. We both work today....
I'll be at my hotel later. I'll probably wait awhile until I know she's out of work to see if she reaches out to me first before I call her or anything. If not, I'll call before I go to bed to let her know that I'm alright.
We have alot of work to do. My outlook on alot of things have changed. I really had taken our relationship for granted until now and am being more thoughtful and constantly thinking about what she would want, not what I would want. I'm seeing alot more of wife who had gone missing the past couple days. I hope when I get back tomorrow night she is still around because I missed her.
BTW, I listened to the audio book version of the 5 love languages. Simple concepts that most "guys" like me just don't even think about. It just has me thinking alot more and I think it's paying off. I think I've found the balance of what actions she is responsive to and will continue to fine tune it. I feel like we are both taking it seriously and it isn't just me trying to save it at this point. I also think we both understand how bad it got and want to go slow and make sure take the right steps. She brought up the counseling again last night so I'm going to take the initiative and get it on the calendar.
Alright, long winded post, but I tried to keep it short as possible. It was eventful this weekend.
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
Update. Took a few days off from this site because it depresses me.
Once you understand that there are solutions here it will excite you. Until then you are not a good listener.
The txting is a red flag.
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At one point she said it might not be a good idea because she was horny.
Another red flag.
Doing what you are doing won't work if she is having a A.
Do you want help or will it depress you?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
