Hi, I cant read your thread now, but I was one of the people that didnt spend any time alone with H during our separation apart from times with the kids. Actually this is how it went: H gets in an affair (I didnt know) Everything I do drives him crazy for about a year, I am a bitch, the worst thing that has happened to him etc etc. Anger and blame. Some weak "efforts" to fix the problem are not successful H goes back and forth mentally (I still had no clue about her being such a big part of his life but had suspicions he said were crazy)trying to decide but he is in love, totally seduced, the THE FOG H moves out after realising there is no point trying I go bananas and I am devastated Lots of anger (from me) and D papers are being prepared. My loosing it proved to him he was right at that point In a month I start DBing (didnt know about the site then) D papers are being held off with no agreement, we just let it happen I find DB and start reading H starts to become friendly but we only talk about kids and see each other at drop offs Progressively he started staying for lunch during drop offs We talk -not about reconciliation- in friendly manner and he initiates more contact -phone calls Brings gifts, starts to touch me, hugs, kisses on the cheek etc (after 1,5 year of being careful not to) His A starts to fade and the OW starts to complain I get fed up, detach and fall in love with someone else H wants to reconcile We try (spending time together, sleep overs-no sex, MC) but he goes back and forth to her without me knowing I get fed up I snoop and find out the truth about the total of 3 years affair after reading 100 emails revealing the deceit and lies since summer 2006 I go bananas, everybody finds out the truth, he apologises 2 months I am mad as hell, he seems relieved He immediately says he doesnt want the divorce and breaks it off with her He now seems to be serious about reconciling and tries hard to make me feel better
I dont know if any of that helped. What I am trying to say is, that it takes time and in my book, when you see a CONSISTENT change, no matter how small it is, there is a big chance, second thoughts are hitting the WASs and THAT's when you need to become the even more attractive "solution". I dont want to sound simplistic but its true, when they start to show any kind of interest, that's when you need to hold on to yourself and keep your PMA and confidence going.
Frindly, light and easy going. You can MENTION (JMO) birthdays etc, but make sure if he denies the suggestion, to remain friendly and cool about it (no expectations). It makes them feel safe to maybe accept invitations in the future once they see, you wont hold it against them, or that it's not part of a plan for reconciliation.
Anything "nice" he does, should be accepted the way you accpet nice gestures from a friend. Allow room for him to do more if he wants to. And, may I suggest, not to use the kids to get him involved. The kids were my H's excuse for his actions (it's about the kids) and he camouflaged his denial to commit to HER due to the kids.
So, patience and staying cool is the way. Just my 2 cents (Euro cents) Good Luck Kalni
