Well, I’m back to work as of yesterday and digging out from all the emails and such. I’m still coughing my head off but I do feel a bit better. Hycodan is a Godsend.
Ok, I have so much to say to you and to tell you that I’m not sure where to start so…I will just start with this: I do have a hard time when she is out. It is a natural feeling for a person to feel this way. Am I just to say how was your night? It is ok, you can sleep, I am sure you are tired from your late night? Sorry, that isn't going to happen.
Of course it’s natural for you to have a difficult time when she is out. She is your wife, she is doing God knows what with God knows whom and you have every right to feel the way you feel. It is natural to feel sad, hurt and even depressed. This is where I have found the detachment piece comes in. I have found that true loving detachment is an art. It’s an art that I have nowhere near perfected but I’m starting, slowly, to get better at it. I do my best, when he is not with me, to try to keep myself busy and focus on me. I even, on occasion, have gotten a babysitter so that I can go out too. I am usually left to care for our daughter when he is away from the house (either in his shed, bowling, etc). This used to sort of tie my hands in terms of my ability to GAL. I was only able to do things in the home. Now, I have my CoDA meeting once per week and I try and get out one other night if possible. I do my best NOT to dwell on the fact that I’m alone and missing him and dwelling on the breakdown of the marriage. Instead, I try to feel comfortable with the aloneness and use that time with my daughter and deepening the bond between us. I work out, I write to friends, I post here, I immerse myself in self-growth. Then, when he comes back, I don’t unleash that anger because I don’t look at him being gone as a personal affront…I look at him being gone as “his loss”. I got the gift of putting my daughter in a bathtub and playing with her and tucking her in. I got the gift of a new pedicure or facial or some selfimproving tidbit that I learned. HE is the one that loses just as your wife loses. We have to stop looking at this as OUR loss. NOW, the biggest issue is that the real LOSERS in this whole thing is our children. Can we get our spouses to see that? NO!!! We can’t. And making them feel shame is only deepening the parent/child relationship that they have come to resent so much. They hate the relationship because they actually hate themselves and their own neediness. Look at your wife for God sake…She had the gall to ask you to buy her a house. My LORD….do you see how sad and pathetic that thought process is? It’s just so sad to me that my husband “asks” me if he can spend $40 on something. The reason he asks is because he had NO CLUE what’s in our account or how many bills still need to be paid or anything like that. He doesn’t want to know anything about it and isn’t good with numbers or money….so…I keep track of all of that stuff. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am doing my best to look at my husband with compassion instead of contempt and also realizing that, just as he is imperfect…..so am I. I do not understand what my husband is doing right now and I pray he wakes up….I mean it…I pray for him every night.
You mention that I seem more in control and as I type this I realize that I am. I still have my days because unlike you, I’m on a rollercoaster ride with my hubby. He’s emotionally present and then withdraws without warning. Although I am thankful that there is a part of him that is still engaging at times, I find myself wishing that things were either one way or the other. BUT, then I realize that I don’t have to go on the rollercoaster ride with him. I can choose to be happy, fulfilled and peaceful despite how he is treating me. When I tie my emotional state to how he is treating me, I am in my co-dependance full bore. It is when I stay on my own path despite what he may or may not be giving me….that’s when I practice my recovery.
On Sunday the 17th, I taped a Karaoke audition video for Oprah’s Karaoke Challenge. He said he would help me and did and also went way above and beyond what he had to do and worked hard to make me sound my best despite my horrible cough and cold. It was a moment that brought us together and when I sing he is visibly proud of me. We ended up being intimate that night and Monday night and Tuesday night. Then, on Wednesday…it was all over. He became very removed, and spent Wednesday night to this past Sunday night in his shed working on a project. He did come grocery shopping with daughter and I on Saturday but didn’t go apple/pumpkin picking this Sunday. I had a little bit of a sad day on Sunday but it was more because my daughter really missed him at first and it made me angry that he would do this to her. I looked around at all the couples and all the dad’s holding their kids. My daughter got a blister on her foot and needed to be carried off the apple hill so, I put her on my shoulders and walked a mile to the car with her that way while carrying a pumpkin and 2 bags of apples. She was so excited. She said “Wait until Daddy hears that you did this. He’s going to be so proud of you that you walked so far with me on your shoulders.” You see, Ron is the carrier of the child, bringer in of the groceries, slayer of the dragons, lifter of the heavy...and I am..well...um...NOT. I said to her that I will always keep her safe and she never has to worry when I am around. She has this big sense, as I did as a child, that the men are the protectors/heros and women are the kissy, nurturers. I need to teach her that momma can do what needs to be done. I can mow the lawn, cut down a tree (which I can), kill a spider and clean out the gutters. I’m also very good at banishing monsters from under her bed. :-) She did tell me later that I had to have daddy teach me how to start her go-kart. She was very happy that I told her that I would and she said she wants to be there to watch.
I know I’m rambling but I just wanted to say that even though we don't realize it...WE ARE IN CONTROL. I am in staying in this marriage until it’s time not to. If he wants a divorce, I can’t control that. I can only control my side of the road and I am going to be the best mom, wife, friend, partner I can be in the process. Right now I HAVE to be ok with being his friend and that’s taking strength that I didn’t even know that I had. You have it too. Love her Danny….love her in spite of all that she’s doing. She is still your wife and the mother of your children. You can love her and still not be emotionally tied to her apron strings. You can love her and still detach from the hurtful things she does. Love her as you would a friend that is not well and in crisis. She is in crisis Danny and trying to find her way. I’m not saying that you have to hang in there and be the martar. I’m just saying that loving her to the best of your ability, still protecting your own self, is the best gift you will ever give your sons…EVER. Think of the men you want them to be when they grow up...and be THAT man. Jewel has lyrics of a song that goes "I want to be the woman I want my daughter to be". Yup...that's ME!!! Part of this is also holding her accountable for her actions. If she stays out late and can’t get up to take care of the boys and leaves this all to you….call her on it. Not in a belittling way but tell her that although you understand she had a late night, it’s only fair, as long as you both live in the house, that you share the care of the children. Leaving you to get up every weekend day to get them b-fast, etc is completely unacceptable.
I saw this quote on a terrific website that I go to often to maintain my resolve to work at this marriage even in the darkest times:
“I'm not advocating for loveless marriages. But it's also the case that marriage doesn't make us happy every day. No marriage does, but your marriage serves as so much more than just a vehicle for immediate individual adult needs. It makes one world for your child, and children will tell you that means everything to them.” Elizabeth Marquardt, Between Two Worlds
I know she won’t understand for a while but she will know someday that I did everything I could to save our family because I knew it meant the world to her….and that meant the world to me.
Hugs to you Danny-boy!!! Keep the faith and love on those boys. They will get you through this. Let me know how you’re doing.
Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
