Can I save my marriage?

[TrentC]

Unfortunately I don't know any single parents with kids. But I will try to do something that's for sure. Thanks Trent.

I badger you because I care.

[CityGirl]

You are right Citygirl. I do have HUGE expectations now after that day, and yesterday too, the whole family outing to the hockey game and having supper was something we did that three weeks ago was non existing. So it has given me these great expectations, and now i'm in trouble cause I'm living because of them.

Part of detaching is being able to really live and exist in the present. It is nice to have a family day (dinner, hockey game) but it was just ONE day. It doesn't necessarily mean (or not mean for that matter) anything. When dealing with a WAS its essential not to "string" events together. Take each positive exchange for what it is and nothing more.

[CityGirl]

I also wanted to add that you are the only one who can control expectations. And the more you wish for something that you have no control over, the greater your frustration will become. And really that is a HUGE obstacle to detachment.

Keep in mind no matter what the status is of your marriage the one thing you and your H will *always* be is co-parents. At this stage I would look at any family activity as a co-parenting experience and not link it to your marriage in any way.

The more time you spend looking for clues or signals or signs from your H the less time you spend working on you. But if you are going to work on you make sure it's for YOU and not for your H. When you are detached it won't matter to you if your H notices your changes or not because they are all for YOUR betterment. It may help the R with your H for a marriage or it might make you a stronger co-parent but essentially they must be for you and the betterment of your life.

[TrentC]

I also wanted to add that you are the only one who can control expectations. And the more you wish for something that you have no control over, the greater your frustration will become. And really that is a HUGE obstacle to detachment.

This is a great point.

[CityGirl]

Sometimes we can learn from others. Last week my H had to come by to drop something off and when he did he brought me a chocolate bouquet. He purchased this bouquet at work as his company had a Lupus fundraising day and all proceeds from the chocolate sale went to Lupus research. (FYI: I have Lupus).

Prior to us splitting up my H and I did LOTS of charity work for the Lupus Alliance together. Obviously it is a cause near and dear to my heart.

It was a thoughtful gesture and nice of him to contribute to a cause that is important to me and I imagine still somewhat important to him simply by association.

It was nothing more or nothing less than a thoughtful gesture for a cause that means an awful lot to me. I took it for what it was, a nice thing to do. I am at the point where I can look at any exchange he and I have that way. That same night he also brought me a gift card to the market I shop at and the pharmacy I go to. He gets TONS of gift cards at work from vendors and it was nice of him to share. I simply said thank you for sharing your vendor prizes, I appreciate it. Lastly, that same night he said he had a pizza in the car that he picked up on his way home from work and did I want to eat with him. My response with a big smile? Thanks so much for the offer and my deep appreciation for the chocolates and gift cards but no thanks!

I meant what I said to him a long time ago, as long as his GF was still around there would be no us in *any* capacity. I will never be unkind, cruel or rude to my H but I won't get tangled up in a triangle with my H, his GF and me.

A few weeks ago I saw an offering for a free 40.00 online gift cert. to a golf store my H loves. I e-mailed him the link. He said thanks and that was that. Nothing more, nothing less.

I attached no expectations or hidden meanings from his gifts to me (chocolate, gift cards) and he did the same when I sent him the golf link.

And really, once you do detach I think you will find it much easier to communicate with your spouse. Or I should say that has been my experience.

Eventually the blame game gets old and I wont play it anymore. That is not to say that certain issues don't need to be addressed but there is a better way to address and resolve them than with blame.

A few weeks ago my H was doing some mind reading and I kindly told him that if he had a question to ask me and not read my mind or project what he things without having the proper info from me. He responded with "sorry, my fault". I said to him lets not make this about fault anymore. Because really, how long can that go on before somebody has a nervous breakdown? (which I just about did).

[Lll54]

Wow, Citygirl you seem to be in a very good place! You are definitely a role model for detachment. I could only hope one day to be in the position you are. You are one strong woman. If my husband had shown up with pizza and asked me to eat it with him, oh dear, where I'm at right now there would have been a big fat "yes!" coming out of my mouth. I realize right now I am VERY available to him, I am jumping at every offer he makes me, but how do you get past the "fear"? The fear that if you don't take him up on his offer he will pull back and get angry in return from the rejection? I just don't want to make it seem like I don't want to eat that pizza with him. I guess scared he'll detach too then we are both detached. Then you move on? Ugh!

Trent, I know you care. I appreciate every little bit of care you have in your body. I know you're tough on me sometimes, and I appreciate it more than you know. You took my situation on from the get go and I will forever be thankful. I come on here daily to hear your advice first and foremost.

[TrentC]

I realize right now I am VERY available to him, I am jumping at every offer he makes me, but how do you get past the "fear"? The fear that if you don't take him up on his offer he will pull back and get angry in return from the rejection?

Take a chance; just try it once or twice. If you get the reaction you expect, then it is the wrong tactic to take.

Trent, I know you care. I appreciate every little bit of care you have in your body. I know you're tough on me sometimes, and I appreciate it more than you know. You took my situation on from the get go and I will forever be thankful. I come on here daily to hear your advice first and foremost.

I appreciate hearing that. That's why we are all here, to be a mutual support group.

[CityGirl]

The WAS and LBS is a game of push and pull. If you don't want to play the game, then don't.

Your H has already left you so if you decline any offer he makes to see you what else could happen? Nothing. If he feels rejected those are his feelings to own.

Right now he knows you will be available to him whenever he wants you to be. The message you need to send is he left and you are moving forward. And don't confuse moving FORWARD with moving on because the two are vastly different.

The next time your H asks you to do something tell him you have plans but you would love a rain check on the offer. If he calls, texts or e-mails you wait 24-48 hours to respond and when you do respond act all breezy, happy and light.

You are giving him NO opportunity to really see what his life will be like w/o you. The dynamic needs to change and you need to be the one to change it.

Now keep in mind I have been at this since March of 2008 and it took me a LONG time to get to this point. But my H also had/is having an affair so it made things MUCH easier to get to this place.

I went dark for ME and he could have cared less because it allowed him to carry on with his GF. A few months ago he sent me an e-mail and I gave him a very short, polite and happy response and within 10 seconds he messaged me back saying "gee, I guess I am surprised by your response and how vague you are but seeing what I did I guess I will have to get used to it". Yup.

I trust my H about as far as I can throw him. Even though we are communicating better he has done little to attempt to renew my trust which he says is very important to him. So, I just go about my business. Sure, I feel sad and upset some days because I am humane and not a robot but I do have a choice on how I let that be a part of my life.

His latest idea is once our separation papers are filed and its official he and I can get to know one another again and if things get to the point where we might want to work on things THEN he will tell his GF. LOL! Yeah, I took a pass on that one. That is one fantasy I will not be party to. As we all know two estranged spouses cannot really get to know one another again when a 3rd party is involved. And I can assure you I wont be the 3rd party to my own husband.

I am not mad or angry but I know that I am not worthless and for a long time I felt that way. I would jump at any chance to see/talk or message with my H. Once I realized it was all on his terms I started to see things in a much different fashion. You will too.

My H is actually a very cool guy aside from the past 20 months. We have lots in common but communication has always been an issue with us. I have worked hard in that department and I know he is trying but I just don't feel, at this time, things will mesh. He says he knows he has to do the majority of the work and he plans to but so far I haven't seen any work except two vacations with his GF in the past two months and one phone call where he really opened up to me. If that is the best he can do that cool, its just not right for me.

Eventually ALL LBS reach their saturation limit with the BS the WAS throws out there.

[Lll54]

Citygirl, good point about "moving forward" and "moving on". That means alot. I always see detachment as moving on and its scary, but If I look at it as moving forward, it takes on a whole new meaning!

I'm sorry about your husbands A, I personally couldn't imagine what you're going through, but you seem like a very strong willed woman. I look up to you being the situation that you are in. I agree that you should NEVER be the 3rd person in your own marriage. And as long as there is a chance you may be, ditch it. You seem like a very good person, and nobody deserves that. Have you dated at all since the bomb was dropped? Its been like a year and a half, correct? Just curious. Sometimes I wonder if he is saying all these things and bringing you all these little extra gifts to also keep you in the picture. He seems like he's scared to lose you, and vows to change and says he wants to work on things, but continues to have a GF? I don't quite get that? Are you still in the "moving forward" stage, or "moving on" stage? I am definitely "jumping" at any opportunity to spend time with him, but I'm going to make it a new goal of mine, to turn him down and make myself too busy. You're right it is on "his" terms, when "he" has spare time. Guarantee the tables would be turned if I asked him to do something on "my" time. He would most likely be too busy.

[Coach]

I am jumping at every offer he makes me, but how do you get past the "fear"? The fear that if you don't take him up on his offer he will pull back and get angry in return from the rejection? I just don't want to make it seem like I don't want to eat that pizza with him. I guess scared he'll detach too then we are both detached

For starters you are no where near detached.

You are not responsible for his feelings. You are only responsible for your thoughts and actions.

Have you read up on "co-dependence" yet? it will help you immensely, I promise.

Cheers
Coach