What to do, what to do?

[LuLu]

This week is getting crazier. My stepdad sent me this email this morning:

I feel like I owe you a bit of an explanation as to why I refuse to see your H at this point. As you might expect I am hugely disappointed with his decision to move out. Actually, not so much with his decision to move out, but with of his decision to stay out. If he would have moved out and stayed two weeks or a month to “get his head straight” I would have been very understanding of that. But to stay gone 4 months, I do not feel he has a right to make that decision at this point. If E had married A, had two babies and then E left, I would not have been shocked. Anyone could have seen that coming. However, your H was in this with both feet. He owned the decision to have two babies as much as you did. For him to now say “I don’t like the way this is going, I’m moving out” infuriates me. I believe your H is neglecting his duties as a man to stay gone this long. I do not respect him as a man any longer. To invite me to be around your H at this point is to invite an “incident”. I think it is best that I stay away from him. I can not be around him and just act like nothing is wrong. I am not saying I will always feel this way, but as long as he is copping out and living his convenient little life over at his friend's house it is best I am not around him. If he moves back home and begins to act like a man and father again, with time I will get over it. However, until he moves back home, trust me, you want to keep us apart.

I asked him if I could forward it to H. We've been trying to figure out what to do about the holidays and H was going to contact stepdad to try to smooth things over before this email. Stepdad has been avoiding family get togethers and this morning finally told me why. Anyway, I also had an ulterior motive... nobody has told H that was he's doing is crazy. I figured this was my chance to have someone besides me do it. Stepdad gave me the go ahead. I forwarded H the email this morning saying FYI.

I get a call about 30 mins ago. H is pissed. Never wants to talk to my stepdad for a very long time...not welcomed in our house, blah, blah. THEN he says he wants to move back in because of the girls.
M: That's not a good reason to move back in
H: I'd like to
M: Are you wanting to work on the marriage?
H: Yes, I will do it for the girls
M: Will you go to marriage counseling?
H: If we can afford it
M: We'd have to make it a priority (stinks that retrouvaille is not until Feb)
H: Okay
M: I don't know, is this the right thing? You shouldn't be basing this decision on the girls.
H: I can't move back in this weekend but how about next weekend?
M: Let's talk about this later

WTF?! Don't get me wrong, this is great. BUT, it's very strange. I feel like he's only doing it to Man-Up to my stepdad and not because he's realized that he still loves me and wants to be with me. He told me Sunday morning that he's still not sure if he loves me anymore. Does it even matter why he's doing it? He's still totally in the fog. How do I DB living under the same roof. Someone help me. This is not the way I thought we would try to reconcile. I'm so confused!!

[LuLu]

Keep in mind Stepdad does not even know about the affair!

[pearlharbr]

Does it matter to you why H is moving back in? Is he still in communication with OW? Is that a dealbreaker for you? What conditions did you state originally about moving back in? If none, what conditions are must haves for you to have him move back in? Do not cave in just because he said he'll come back. Maintain your stated boundaries.

Yes, you can DB with him at home. You should be doing the same things whether he's there or not: GAL activities, 180s, working on detaching and being the best LuLu possible. You will need to step it up and be positive and cheerful, look good and be a little mysterious around him.

Not that you can turn back time but I would not have forwarded that email to H. Of course H was annoyed at being told off and now he can put that on you because you sent the email. It is a controlling move and has been viewed as such.

In your previous post you said you were going to back way off. What happened to that? It's still a good idea.

[courts0818]

Wow...things have been crazy for you. Others might not agree with me, but personally I would LOVE for my H to move back home for our DD. I don't care if he doesn't move back in for me. We are a family and she NEEDS to have her father here. It's his responsibility to be her parent 24/7, not just when he feels like it. He walked out on her and I and I don't care who he actually comes home for. Know what I mean? I just want him home.

If he made the choice to move back home for her, I think it would be a really good start. In your case, I think the same. Sure, we would both like to hear, "I'm moving back in bc I love you. I realize the mistakes I made..." But regardless - he is finally putting his family above himself and that's a start. That email was like a foot up the booty and a little smack of reality - which is what it sounds like he needed.

Yes, you will need to really have your game face on and be sure to make the changes he's wanted to see all along - whatever they might be. For example, I know I nagged my H too much and was too critical of what he did. So, if he ever moves back home you can bet that I will keep my comments to myself.

And you will need to continue with the 180s and GAL. Keep meeting up with your group, be happy and upbeat, don't push conversations on him or be criticial about how he's taking care of your DDs, etc...And continue to look good, be mysterious and that sort of stuff. Be friendly and appreciative, but don't be overly chatty.

If someone were to write an email like about my H. I WOULD forward it to him. Cause you know what? NOBODY besides me will call my H out on his behavior and it makes me sick! His family won't say crap to him (for fear he will shut them out), his boss and I have had tons of conversations and he knows what's going on, but still doesn't say one freaking word to my H (they are not just boss/employee - they are friends). So...I'm the only one who tries to make him accountable and he doesn't listen to a word I say. My H NEEDS to get an email like that. He NEEDS to know what others think of his rotten behavior. He really does. Everyone acts like what he's done is just fine and it makes me extremely upset. Sometimes we all need a wake up call from our family and friends, but there's nobody here that is willing to step up - not even his parents and I cannot understand it. It really makes me very sad, angry and frustrated. It's like HELLO PEOPLE - don't ignore his behavior and act like it's cool - HELP TO HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE!

Your H might have been pissed to get that email and that's bc it's EXACTLY right. And having someone else say it probably felt like (a much deserved) slap in the face. I say kudos to your stepdad for having some balls to call your H out. I wish someone in our family would step up and actually TELL my H something very similar.

Your H is probably quite mad at your stepdad right now. But, if he makes the right choices (stays at home, works on the marriage, etc...) with time they can repair that relationship.

Try not to get too wrapped up in why he's coming home - HE's COMING HOME and it's a start. At least IMHO. There is still lots of work to do, but wouldn't you rather work on things with him in your home?

[LuLu]

PH- I appreciate your honesty. I understand where you are coming from and you are right. It was controlling and that is one of the things I have to work on. I hate to try to rationalize it but "desperate times call for desperate measures". I have young children at home and my 3 year old was internationally adopted last year, she is emotionally fragile. I was fighting for my girls.

Court-

If someone were to write an email like about my H. I WOULD forward it to him. Cause you know what? NOBODY besides me will call my H out on his behavior and it makes me sick! His family won't say crap to him (for fear he will shut them out), his boss and I have had tons of conversations and he knows what's going on, but still doesn't say one freaking word to my H (they are not just boss/employee - they are friends). So...I'm the only one who tries to make him accountable and he doesn't listen to a word I say. My H NEEDS to get an email like that. He NEEDS to know what others think of his rotten behavior. He really does. Everyone acts like what he's done is just fine and it makes me extremely upset. Sometimes we all need a wake up call from our family and friends, but there's nobody here that is willing to step up - not even his parents and I cannot understand it. It really makes me very sad, angry and frustrated. It's like HELLO PEOPLE - don't ignore his behavior and act like it's cool - HELP TO HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE!

I could have written this verbatim (well, except the boss thing). His family even knows about the affair and have said nothing to him. I could see if they hated me and were thankful to be rid of me but that's not the case. His mother even called me up crying telling me she loved me and didn't understand what H was doing. Nobody said a thing to him. H was in lala-land about what he was doing. Yes, there will be tension with SD moving forward but in time it will pass. They were good friends and it will happen again. My SD is young so the two of them were only about 8 years apart. They really were good friends. Until H he moved out. Then SD wanted nothing to do with H and H knew it.

Last night H came over to see our dd's. We talked about him moving back in. We were both concerned about it being too soon, it's still a little awkward. He said he didn't want to move back in to just move back out again. I said I understood. He said that we should start with marriage counseling and I agreed. I also asked if he would go to IC. He said he would. This in itself is huge and I hope he follows through. He's had depression issues in the past, esteem issues and now this and he talks to nobody.

H said that he wants to try to work on the marriage for our girls. He said he's not sure if he could love me again but he wants to try. Every time he says something like that, I wince. It hurts every time. But it is what it is and he's willing to try. He says he wants to say to the girls that he tried everything if we do end up divorced (which are my words repeated back to me but hey, I don't care, he's getting it). So as of now, we're going to take him moving back in slowly but we're going to work on the marriage.

I think I owe my SD dinner out or something.

[courts0818]

I do NOT understand why our families make the choice to just keep their mouths shut - hello family - you say you want to help, you want us to work this out, well...SAY SOMETHING ALREADY! Who cares if my H gets upset if his parents talk to him - maybe just maybe it could snap his delusional a$$ out of his fantasy fog! Know what I mean? I'm not asking them to hound him every day or to try to force him to come home. BUT, it would be nice if they would step up and tell him how much he's hurting us, remind him of the commitment he made - hold him accountable! I get so annoyed that people like to talk ABOUT US, but not TO US (or to him!).

Like you, my in-laws don't hate me. They know I'm a good person, a good mom and I was a good wife. I just don't get it and I don't get why your MIL would call you, be sweet and supportive but not have a conversation with her son. HELLO!

Your H sounds like mine in that he doesn't open up and doesn't like to talk about things. Before the bomb, how was your communication? Ours sucked...we've just never been good at talking openly. I'll take some blame, but really, I joke that the living room couch can carry a more meaningful conversation than my H. He's never been a good talker. Obviously...I mean the man never once told me he was unhappy until he walked out on me.

So, you guys are going to take things slow (good idea!). Does this mean he's still moving back in - just not right away?

I think him saying he's willing to do MC and/or IC is
H - U - G - E. Especially if he's not big on communication and doesn't really talk to anyone. That is a step in the right direction for sure. I think I'd fall out of my chair if my H finally agreed to counseling. I hope you guys find someone who is a really good match for you - someone who will call him out on his choices (hold him accountable) and help you guys learn everything you need to restore your marriage.

I know those comments like, "I'm not sure if I can love you again" cut like a knife, but keep in mind that is soooo the lingo of a WAS. And you got it - the point is, he's at least willing TO TRY! That's the first of many small steps, but thank God he's willing to at least get the ball rolling.

Keep up your efforts. Don't let your guard down just bc he's saying he's willing to make an effort.

[LuLu]

.I mean the man never once told me he was unhappy until he walked out on me.

Same here. He told me the other day that I wouldn't have listened. Thanks for trying there buddy. Ughh!

Yes, he agreed to go to counseling. He says he'll go to IC as well, for the girls of course. He wanted me to set him up an IC appointment with someone but I just didn't feel right doing it for him.

As for moving back in, he didn't give me a specific date but we're going to work on the marriage. I'm kind of afraid if he moved back in right now that my db'ing would go to pot and we would be fighting. It's not like we're a couple. There are still plenty of awkward times. It's strange. You would think after 15 years it wouldn't be that way but it is. Sometimes I feel like he's a stranger and not the best friend he was. Sad really.

[jstv]

My H has started coming around and acting like he still lives at home and can come and go as he pleases, then go back to his own place when he wants...talk about cake-eating!! But...I have allowed it because I so desperately want our M to work. I have three little kids who really haven't had an "engaging" dad, only a "present" one. Sad truth is that they don't really miss him, however, it is sooo hard being parent 24/7 for three kids!! Same thing, my H woke up one day and said he was unhappy, wanted to go see if he'd be happier somewhere else and loved me but not in love with me...all out of the blue!! My family however did sit him down and asked WTF?? and he just said he isn't happy...then of course we find out out there is OW...some 20 something which I honestly have no idea if he still is in contact with...uhggg

[LuLu]

js- I'm so sorry that we're all in the same boat. It's so sad I know what you mean about the kids not really missing Daddy. My girls are really well adjusted considering the situation. They are young though. They ask where Daddy is sometimes but they are really happy, well behaved kids overall.


I'm struggling today. I spoke to my gf who spoke to my H one night when I was out and she called my house to talk to me. Anyway, she's divorced and they got on the subject of our sitch. He told her that he got a glimpse of how good it could be with the OW. Just made me sick. I'm having a hard time today. Why on earth am I fighting for a marriage with a man who has no qualms in putting himself over his family. Seriously, our d's adoption is not even final yet. How screwed up is that?? And here I am attempting to find a marriage counselor. My H has already proven himself a liar, a cheat (x2 that I know of) and not the family man I thought he was. What on earth am I fighting for?

[courts0818]

jstv,
I'm sorry you are in the same miserable position as us. Sadly, it sounds like your situation is similar to Lulu's and mine. Before I set up a schedule, my H was doing the SAME thing - coming and going as he pleased. At times he would text me and say he wasn't coming over bc he wanted to "nap" after work. NAP? Are you freaking kidding me??? It's so frustrating. Maybe you could set up a schedule with your H too - this way you take back some of the control and you let him know he's not welcome whenever he finally feels like spending time with the family. But make him accountable too - he needs to step up and be an engaged parent and you need a break! When he comes over, you should leave and do something, anything - go the library and read a book, go shopping, go have a cup of coffee - just do something for you and you don't need to tell him what you are doing.

My H pretty much said those exact words to me - that he wasn't happy, wanted to know if he would be happier somewhere else, and that he loved me, but wasn't in love with me. I'm so extremely sick of the pathetic, whiny, selfish, stupid excuse, "I'm not happy." Well...thanks H - bc you are not happy (and not willing to do anything to save the marriage) you are tearing our family apart. So thoughtful, huh? So much for commitment, vows, promises, etc...

Okay...I'm gonna chill before I really get fired up!

Hang in there, ask for help, advice and support when you need it and know this is NOT your fault.

Hugs..