It's great you didn't bite and continue the back and forth with her. She's going to see your changes. I know it must have felt good that she was pursuing you. But then it sets you up to feel more upset when she still insists on leaving.
How about telling her straight "If you are leaving, I don't want you trying to be affectionate with me or coming into my space without asking. If you want to separate, let's separate."
How about putting up that boundary to protect yourself. She won't see that ocming, and it will make her face the reality of her choices.
I don't know if I need to have a conversation with her and lay things out or just keep moving away from her.
She was back to distant and doing her own thing yesterday. It's almost clinical between us sometimes. When we kissed the day before last, it felt good and it was obvious there is still something there, but it's definitely not what it was. (I don't expect it to be either). I don't know that I want to fight for it anymore though. I want someone who WANTS me. Not this. Not someone who is up and down. Not someone who would leave and break up our family. Not someone who would treat me the way that she has treated me.
I keep having the internal monologue of what a R conversation would sound like. Would I tell her I need more? Would I just ask her when she is moving? Would I just ask her to go? Would I just tell her that I am done? I'm not sure.
Would I expect this to shock her into staying? Not really. Would I be sad to see her go? Sure, but it may be necessary. Am I realy to move on with my life? That's a tough one. It may be better than what it is now though.
At this point, I will continue to move on without saying anything. It's been months since she said she was moving. Weeks since I've heard anything about it. It's just hanging there.
Any advice on having the talk or just moving on without saying anything would be appreciated.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Would I expect this to shock her into staying? Not really. Would I be sad to see her go? Sure, but it may be necessary. Am I realy to move on with my life? That's a tough one. It may be better than what it is now though.
EB. These are great questions to contemplate. Especially the last one. My IC kept asking me questions similiar to these. I never got to the point that I was ready to move on. However, I was working hard to get to the place where I would be comfortable moving on.
I don't think you need to have the R talk until you know you are ready to move on without her. If you do it too soon, you may regret it. You need to go into that talk ready to lose the R.
Move on--- to where? How do you get there and be a better man for it? How much control do you really have of the outcomes? How much control do you have on how you handle the situations? Work backward from your goals to where you are now. Then plan and act.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Move on--- to where? How do you get there and be a better man for it? How much control do you really have of the outcomes? How much control do you have on how you handle the situations? Work backward from your goals to where you are now. Then plan and act.
I need to take some time and reevaluate my goals I guess. The quick response is that I want a happy, satisfying relationship with W. I want my S to have both parents and a loving home to grow up with. Both of these require that I detach, but not give up.
Standing still feels like a slow death, but is it really? The hurtful and MLC behavior from W hasn't been around in a while. We're not working on fixing things though. I have grown resentful and try to fill my tank with S, friends, and family. There are just some needs that they cannot meet though.
It feels like standing still, but I can see that there has been change. Things aren't really where they were 6 months ago. Even 2 months ago. Things are different for me too. I don't think my overal goals have changed, but they seem harder to achieve now. I think that I will have a harder time getting over how she has been. How she has devalued our marriage.
Apparently I am not as sure as I thought about things. I need to just continue to get a life and hold off on the conversations for now.
How much control do I have? Only control over my own actions. I don't seem to have full control over my own feelings though.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
GIMA - Sorry to see how things are going at your place at the moment. I keep up with your sitch, but sometimes I don't feel qualified to offer any advice. Obviously I can't quite firure out things for myself. I offer support and understanding though.
Tristan - I know you've got things to sork on still, but I still think that you're in so much better of a place now. Good for you!
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Coach is spot on here. And especially about the part of limboland being a slow death - IT IS.
If you haven't checked out my thread since Thursday, I would encourage you to do that. I just can't take limboland any more. And, it's time for me to lead us out of that God awful place. Limboland serves a purpose sort of like a medic. If you have a gaping head wound, a medic can get you stabilized, but you are going to need to move past that point to a doctor for surgery.
While Limboland is comfortable and to some extent vaguely secure, it is an illusion. And it is not sustainable, unless you want an unhealthy R. And you deserve better.
So, I don't know where I'm leading my M, but it sure as he!! isn't staying in Limboland. And one way or the other, I will be happy eventually.
And, yes, it is scary b/c it is new to you and you know what one of the two possibilities are. But, that's just where you have to have faith and be strong. And, my friend, that is what I think makes the question "What choice do you have?" so important.
Coach is spot on here. And especially about the part of limboland being a slow death - IT IS.
If you haven't checked out my thread since Thursday, I would encourage you to do that. I just can't take limboland any more. And, it's time for me to lead us out of that God awful place. Limboland serves a purpose sort of like a medic. If you have a gaping head wound, a medic can get you stabilized, but you are going to need to move past that point to a doctor for surgery.
While Limboland is comfortable and to some extent vaguely secure, it is an illusion. And it is not sustainable, unless you want an unhealthy R. And you deserve better.
So, I don't know where I'm leading my M, but it sure as he!! isn't staying in Limboland. And one way or the other, I will be happy eventually.
And, yes, it is scary b/c it is new to you and you know what one of the two possibilities are. But, that's just where you have to have faith and be strong. And, my friend, that is what I think makes the question "What choice do you have?" so important.
Lead.
I understand you GIMA, but doesn't patience fit in here someplace. EB has made changes, he has seen improvement in his sitch. Is not one of his options to sit tight, keep working on himself, and see if the improvement continues (even if it is ever so slowly). The improvement he has seen lately is in the direction of his ultimate goal. As of now, it would seem that time is working for him. Am I wrong EB?
Very good point. There is a judgment call only EB can make about whether he and W are "stuck" in limboland or not. I had to make that call, and, while I didn't get the response I hoped for, at least I now have confirmation W hasn't changed.
So, EB, do examine whether you are just impatient v. stuck. Monitor her behavior, and her words to a lesser extent. If you see things continuing to improve, than just be patient. If not for a while, then it may be time to look at whether you are stuck.
