Detachment

[TrentC]

I am not even strong enough mentality cos of my depression, so I really don't know how I can be stable.

Are you seeing a professional about depression? If not, find someone ASAP.

I have been mentally and physically drained and have no energy to move on with life. Is that what they want from us?

I can't speak for your spouse, but generally speaking, no. Many times, they think they want to leave us because they convince themselves that the circumstances that they want to leave is caused by us. That's why DB and DR talk about getting a life and doing 180's -- by changing ourselves for ourselves, we change the circumstances of the relationship.

My H told me this morning that he wants the family and I told him I will not allow him seeing another woman if he chose this path.

Honestly? That kind of an ultimatum will never work. One of the things that everyone here has to struggle at first with is the fact that you cannot control your spouse. Trying to control their behavior or push them to reconcile, end an affair, etc. will not work because they are already resisting being with you in the first place; all you are doing is giving them more incentive to go.

Moments ago, I have planned to end my life but moments now, I planned to rescue myself and I want to punish him.

If you are considering thoughts of suicide, you need to get up from your computer right now and seek professional help.

Irregardless whether he repent or not, it doesn't mean anything to me cos he is the one forcing me to dead end.

No, he is not. He is responsible for his actions and reactions, and so are you. By reacting in this way, you are giving him what he wants; an angry, bitter spouse to run away from.

I want to stand firm and show him I can be strong without him and when the time he wants my forgiveness, he will not get it. I want him to know what is it like to go through this pain. He needs to learn his lesson.

Do you want to preserve this relationship or not? Because that is not the way to go about it.

And much of the advice people here have to offer is going to be of limited use because this site is about changing the course of a marriage that is heading towards divorce, not punishing wayward spouses.

I would find a copy of The Divorce Remedy and read it. Think through what you really want -- saving your marriage or ending it -- and set your goals accordingly.

[brknheart]

A very important point regarding the fact that the WAS 'detatches' first. I read a book (Uncoupling) that talked about the whole process, and in effect that is exactly what the WAS does but they get to do it on their own time in their own way and without someone else pushing them there (unless LBS is abusive/etc I gues).

That explains why my WAW seems to be taking this so easy, almost like she is over me already. Does that book talk about reconciliation with the WAS? I am in the process of detachment, but I had to ask

[Gardener]

SP,

[How do you do it, this detaching? By doing it. There's no recipe, there's no procedure, there's no magic bullet. But you can't fake it. You can't pretend. You have to do it, deliberately and consciously.

You have to accept that you're already dead. That you have no control. That there is no logic, no argument, no plea, no justification, no photograph, no memory, no rationalization, no prayer, no wish, no hope big enough, strong enough, persuasive enough, enough enough, to deter Walkaway.

And you have to live it. You have the Walk That Path every minute, every day. When you feel yourself drifting, you have to consciously bring yourself back. Put away the photographs, Left-Behind. Put away the love notes. Stop idealizing her. Stop idealizing him. There are, in fact, other fish in the sea -- you know it as well as you know yourself. You may not want them, not now, but you know this to be true.

It doesn't mean you didn't/don't love Walkaway. It doesn't mean you didn't/don't cherish your marriage, value your marriage, desire your marriage. It doesn't mean you didn't/don't believe in the institution.

It means you love, cherish, value, desire, believe in...yourself.

Thank you for this entire post. I could quote it all, but I'll probably be printing this section and carrying it around (if not framing it).

[Gardener]

Antlers, been re-reading the whole detachment thread and I was wondering:

"I love you wife. In spite of everything that's happened and is happening, I love you. And you can't take that away from me. You can take the marriage--but you can't take what I feel for you." I felt like I needed to say that under the circumstances, wrong or not, so I did.

1) If this got any response.
2) If you still would've sent it, knowing now all that's transpired since?
3) Do you still feel this way?

[brknheart]

Great post, keep them coming. One of the things I find hard with detaching is my W seems like a magnet. Just when I feel Im starting to do better and making progress, she contacts me and I feel drawn back to her. One of the things I have to work on is what Puppy has said, walk the middle road. I going to make a printout of the best post on this thread and read them daily.

Thanks.

[CityGirl]

Sometimes when it comes to detachment visualization can really help. You said you see your W as a magnet, able to pull you back in with any sort of contact. This sort of clearly shows you are not detached because any form of contact shouldnt have that much power over you if you were detached. It also shows you still have too much focus on your W and her power.

So put the focus back on you. Forget about your W being a magnet and visualize *something* around you that can repel a magnet.

If you were out in the woods you would spray youself with bug spray so you wouldnt get chewed to death. Because lots of bug bites are itchy and uncomfortable for a long time. When you have bug bites you finally get comfortable in bed then they start to itch and annoy you again.

So put on your "bug spray" so you dont get bit and suffer the lingering, painful, itchy and annoying consequences of being bit.

[brknheart]

good analogy. Today is the worst day I had in a week, emotionally that is. So for those that have successfully detached and do not have kids, do you see your ex after D? Mine keeps telling me we will be friends...sure...

[TrentC]

good analogy. Today is the worst day I had in a week, emotionally that is. So for those that have successfully detached and do not have kids, do you see your ex after D? Mine keeps telling me we will be friends...sure...

I'm not there yet, but that will depend on her. If she's the one who is walking away from me and initiating divorce, how good of a friend can she be?

"We can still be friends" is what they tell themselves to feel better about their decision. They want to hang onto you until they are secure enough in their new life to let you go. This is why detaching, GAL, and going dark are such effective DB techniques -- it gives them a preview of what their life will be like once you're not a part of it.

You say you want to be friends
That's a newly sharpened blade
That's a dagger to the heart
Of the promises we made
That's a chapter full of pain
A season full of rain
A dark and stormy night
Spent all alone

Friends
Get scattered by the wind
Tossed upon the waves
Lost for years on end
Friends
Slowly drift apart
They give away their hearts
Maybe call you
Now and then
But you wanna be
Just friends

You say you love me very much
And you'll always hold me dear
Those are the sweetest words
I never want to hear
What's a love without desire
A flame without a fire
Can't warm me late at night
When I need you most

Friends
Get scattered by the wind
Tossed upon the waves
Lost for years on end
Friends
Slowly drift apart
They give away their hearts
Maybe call you
Now and then
But you wanna be
Just friends

Friends
Slowly drift apart
They give away their hearts
Maybe call you
Now and then
Darling can't you see
This is killing me
We could never be
Just friends

--"Friends"

[Heartbroken20]

Trent - You got THAT right, it IS their way of helping themselves feel better about their actions. My WAW wants to be friends and be able to hang out with each other sometimes, etc., and be happy for each other's new lives, etc. But that poem/song says it all, with a big fat "why would I want to put myself through THAT?"

Guess I haven't detached enough yet....by a long shot.

[brknheart]

This is why detaching, GAL, and going dark are such effective DB techniques -- it gives them a preview of what their life will be like once you're not a part of it.

Thats exactly what I want her to see. The problem is she is living with a friend. My W has no responsibilities except to goto school and study. I on the other hand have to keep up the house, pay the bills, take care of the pets, goto school, etc. I guess she will be in for a rude awakening when the D is final.