I don't have children so I cant really comment on that aspect. What I can gently suggest though is to avoid any "tit for tat" conversation w/your W about what your attny said or what her attny said. Because attny's will spin things to their clients and in turn the WAS will spin them even further to the LBS.
There is a reason for attny/client privilege and you are under NO obligation to share anything you and your legal counsel talk about.
I live in NY state where the divorce laws are a NIGHTMARE. Irreconcilable differences isn't even a legal ground for divorce here. My H's attny told him not to worry about his affair because the only way I could file for divorce with the ground of adultery is to have a third party witness say in a trial that they witnessed my H and his GF having sexual relations. What my H's attny FAILED to tell him was that I could file under the grounds of cruel and inhumane treatment because as per NY state law starting a sexual R outside of marriage *is* considered cruel and inhumane.
Adultery in NY is *very* hard to prove so most people think they will get off scott free when an affair is involved. Its not the case at all, one just must choose different grounds to file under.
As I said, I cant comment on the custody aspect or the laws of the state you live in but I can recommend you educate yourself as much as possible. It feels like CRAP to be served divorce papers but in a way it gives you a leg up. The day after I was served I marched down to the courthouse and found every public record I could about my H's attny and what firm won the most cases against him. My second stop was at that firm to retain them.
I also took a free class about divorce that was hosted by a local women's organization but men were more than welcome to attend as well. While this class was not to dole out legal advice it was informative about laws and rights, policy and procedure and other bits of information that can be vague if you have never worked with an attny or been through a divorce before.
I did this all very quietly and none of it was to be vindictive. Thankfully the firm that had the most success against my H's attny (the one I retained) also was a firm who had a philosophy that I liked very much.
Do not make threats about how you plan to handle your legal business. Just do what you can to educate yourself on your rights and find the most civil and kind way to execute them.
Our court hearing took less than 20 min. and my H and I were not even in the judge's chambers as we had reached an agreement on our own and our attny's simply had to put it on the oral record in front of the judge.
I made it very clear to my H I was NOT fooling around as far as my legal counsel went and while I would work with him as the law required me to do, my main goal was to protect myself and my future.
Funny thing is, my H's attny turned out to be a huge dirt bag and my H actually trusts my attny more than he does his own.
It is possible to protect yourself legally without a blood bath taking place. It takes some work and diligence but its not that far out of the realm of possibility.
