I've been begging and praying for my W to offer to go to counseling, but after the rollercoaster of the last two months and her very clear statements the last few weeks, I'm just not sure. I wanted more than anything to fix this, to be a good husband again; but I've been GALing and I see that our relationship has been on life support for several years. She's been so angry to me that I can't say I am really excited to go to counseling with her. I know I need to, I know I will regret allowing this marriage to end, but honestly, Well, I don't know...
I have no idea why I feel this way. I spent a lot of time last night reflecting on the last two months and all the stress, crying, sadness, anger, etc... that I have been through. She was very clear yesterday that I should not get my hopes up, she only wants to work at being amicable in divorce. She wants to learn to forgive so we can be good parents.
I guess that is an open door, or at least a door that is cracked open, but after being shut out, and now getting what I wanted, I question it. How dumb is that? I have seen her so angry and I have had people ask if I will be 'able to get beyond that if she changes her mind', I've always said yes...now I am not sure.
She did put the house up for sale at work again yesterday. Things are still progressing toward divorce. But there is this increased confusion about counseling now.
I honestly feel like I need to stop GALing. I won't, because I am having fun. But it is seeing the life that I didn't have before that is making me question if I have what it takes to make my marriage work. 15 years is a long time, but at 33, I have a lot of years left. I don't want either my W or myself to spend them in a marriage of convenience; but I don't want to regret not trying either.
I'm making no sense...and I am so confussed, and I can't figure out why.
