Is the Drumline interferring with D14's grades? If not and she likes it, regardless of the reason, IMO it's a good thing. How often do they have late night stuff like this during the week? Again, for me comes down to grades and her commitment to it. I think these are arguable/negotiable points.
At 12 and 14 your D's are perfectly capable of getting their own breakfast and packing a lunch for themselves. Sure, he could have helped, but I think it's a cap off the toothpaste kind of thing. he's frustrated and miserable and needs to complain.
Something I've tried is "Wow, I can see you're really frustrated about this, what do you think the solution is?" Obviously, it can't be that you do everything. It may require brainstorming, where you don't offer a bunch of solutions, let him come up with some. Then try one and if it works, tell him that was a good idea.
I know how this sounds. I also know that even when I do it sometimes, i don't feel great right then, but I let it go. My H feels like he contibuted and that counts for alot.
I have a calendar at home that is always in the same spot with important stuff written on it. My H and I talk once a week re: kids activities etc. And, even though he doesn't live at home he knows where the calendar is and is welcome to check it anytime.
I know how tough this is for you and the truth is, right now you are doing everything. Is it fair? Not hardly. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that.
My only caution is not to be reactive. I can't tell you the times I've thought I couldn't do it anymore. Then when I calm down and think (and in my case meditate) about it, I know I can and more importantly I want to.
