well i would like to keep that to myself as its still the internet. And there is a ton of info about my life on here. I can tell ya offline. But I have no idea on how to do that on this site.
And how I got here. Well I am still coming to grips with these new feelings. Its like a light bulb came on last week from reading and faking it and then accepting it... But have I truely accepted it ? I have no idea. I think I have. But I am not 100%. I was talking to my MOM about this. She is using the DB principals on her life ( not marriage ... they get along very well ) and some of her relationships with family members. It is very adaptable for everything.
I found writing helped a ton. I also stopped listening to music for a few weeks. Then I reintroduced the Beatles and then metal. Haha. Yea you can listen to the beatles and lamb of god withing an hour. I also wrote out lists on Stay or Go. Every time something poped in my head I wrote it on the list. I also wrote out a list on my relationship. What I liked, what I did not like, what others liked and did not like. That was about her and myself. Tried to be very objective. I ordered a few self help books and read them many times and I am trying to work them into my life. I completely broke down and grieved my loss of the past , present and future with my wife , best friend and lover. I then got up and decided not to hate but to be civil. Not to forgive her for her actions but to forgive us for what got us to the affair. I then lost my fear of her. And stopped the controlling and the abuse ( the abuse was only throwing the affair in my face and the affair itself. Controlling was actions vs reactions ) My wife never abused me before this nor did I abuse her. I accepted the abuse as actions by someone who is deeply hurt with guilt and grief as well. And I removed myself from this to protect myself. I knew I was going to go through depression so I prepaired for it. Running and keeping with it. I did not stop my activities that I do in the winter. Playing team sports and coaching. I found exposing the affair to both sides of the family and close friends helped as well. It allowed me to get support from both sides and to set the story straight when WAS was only concentrating on the negatives to justify the affair. I think she was shocked that nobody bought into her story.
Since we did not have children I am sure that helped as well. Our kids where our neices and nephews. During the first week I talked to WAS's neice who is 17 and explained it to her. I told her that was made a huge mistake but no matter what she loves her and will always love her and she is to be there for her when everything falls apart. Do not stop communicating with her. But that it was wrong. And it was very important for her to learn what is right and wrong in a marriage. That affairs just destroy everything they touch.
I listened to advice from friends and family but did not act. I debated actions and showed only love for WAS. I found this site. I also took one night and drank a nice bottle of red wine and said my good byes to pictures of us through out the years. Cried my eyes out and wished I had a second bottle. But the most important thing I did was to protect myself and remove my wife from my life. No Contact is really helping. She gets to live her life in a lie. I get to live my life learning about myself , healing and correcting parts of my personality I do not want to take into the second half of my life.
I am the Betrayed Spouse but she has Betrayed herself.
How is that for long winded?
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
