Over the Shock and GALing 6

[SmileysPerson]

Didnt say there wouldnt be a downside. Suggested that the brutal reality is that if Pleasure of Time With Kids > Pain Of Unavailable Wife, and you value TWK more that Time With Spouse, then the logical decision is: Stay for the kids.

Which is a sucky choice to face. Yet is one that confronts many a Walkaway and Almost-Walkaway. Which is, you know, ironic.

[mindfull]

Haven't posted in weeks. Nothing to say. I come on tonight, to just read... I see this.

Suggested that the brutal reality is that if Pleasure of Time With Kids > Pain Of Unavailable Wife, and you value TWK more that Time With Spouse, then the logical decision is: Stay for the kids.

Welcome to my world.

Which is a sucky choice to face.

Welcome to my sucky world.


Thinker:

You're being very brave. Congratulations for taking your own stand.

[Thinker]

Summary of discussions with Mrs. T over the past day:

Mrs. T's Position: "I need some space for a while. Space means less time together. Less time in the same house. Less time thinking and talking about the R. Just for a while. I don't care what you say, though, I'm not moving out and we're not getting divorced, and that's that! I'm not, however, going back to Retrouvaille for the post sessions, because it is just a bunch of high pressure tactics."

Thinker: "I'll give you the space you are asking for. I am out of the home office as of Monday. I'll be scarce for the next few weeks. I am not, however, willing to continue in a marriage with someone who is emotionally unavailable to me. I am not willing to continue in a sexless marriage. We are either proceeding to work on improving the marriage, or we are taking it apart. We are going for our initial consultation with the mediator on Tuesday. If you are willing, we can go back to counseling in parallel."

So the appointment with the mediator is on, and Mrs. T has promised to call around to find a new C and see if we can get an initial appointment with a MC for next week.

If we go back to MC, it will be different than last time. Our initial sessions started out with me saying "I want to work on the M" and her saying "I don't think I want to work on the M". If things stay as they are, the next session would start with me saying "I would like to get a D unless we can find ways to improve the M"

We'll see...

[Lotus]

Good luck. You are leading, as Coach would say, and that is an improvement. It would seem that she is very happy being miserable.

[Greek]

I am not, however, willing to continue in a marriage with someone who is emotionally unavailable to me. I am not willing to continue in a sexless marriage. We are either proceeding to work on improving the marriage, or we are taking it apart. We are going for our initial consultation with the mediator on Tuesday. If you are willing, we can go back to counseling in parallel."

She's cake eating...not in the "A" sense of the term...but in the sense that she is enjoying the security of you providing for the family, but she offers nothing but "I'm unhappy and want space."

Greek

[Thinker]

I am not, however, willing to continue in a marriage with someone who is emotionally unavailable to me. I am not willing to continue in a sexless marriage. We are either proceeding to work on improving the marriage, or we are taking it apart. We are going for our initial consultation with the mediator on Tuesday. If you are willing, we can go back to counseling in parallel."

She's cake eating...not in the "A" sense of the term...but in the sense that she is enjoying the security of you providing for the family, but she offers nothing but "I'm unhappy and want space."

Greek

Yes. She is.

Room, Board and a Scapegoat - what else does one need?

[Kemper]

Wow, I feel like your W is living in my house Thinker. However, I haven't been able to determine healthy ways to "wake" her up.

I am trying to focus on me but it is very hard at this stage and I have no idea why I can't just snap out of it.

[Thinker]

All is calm and quiet in the Thinker household.

I am feeling pretty relaxed, with a combination of resignation, compassion, and a bit of sadness. It also feels good to be taking action.

Yesterday I worked from an out of home office for the first time. It really felt good to be free and away and back in the office social environment. I got up before everyone else was awake, went to the gym, and then straight to work. Had some meetings here in town after work, so was basically gone out of the house all day.

This morning Mrs. T and I had a 30 minute introductory call I scheduled with a mediator. I've had these calls before, but I think it was the first for her. Next step is to follow up with Mrs. T: "I am ready to proceed."

It is also annual enrollment time for benefits. Since the benefits decisions I make now are effective for all of 2010, I am looking at these trying to determine how I would want to be enrolled. For example, if we are going to get divorced next year, maybe I should stop my 401K investments, since I would need cash more than I need long term investments. I would be happy for any advice people can give me here.

In parallel with this (and at Mrs. T's request: "But I DO want to work on the M!") we called a new MC. He comes recommended and we are going to try to get some time with him tomorrow.

[JTJ]

Thinker,

Keep aware of your cash flow. That will be key for the first 90 days until you get a handle on your new expenses. Check out if you get divorced during a caleder year how does that effect your filing status. Do yo need to file as a single and adjust your W2 deductions accordingly. If you withold for 5 months as married and three kids and that changes it will drastically effect your take home pay and/or cause a tax liability.

Stash some cash. i'm not saying hide 5-10k. Just keep something liquid for these fast and furious times.

As for the 401k I would stop that now and start reducing mutual debt. You are only going to split the retirement so why give her more. You can start again when things settle down.

Map out your first 90 days, rent, new furniture. Contact credit bureaus and ask them what you can do to monitor your credit and your wife's. Prepared to get Lean and mean.

Look at all your debt and ask lawyer who is rsponsible for what.
Asklawyer if there can be a pre separation agreemnet in place to gaurd against wife buying mercedes or running up credit cards.

Be careful of doing anything that would appear controlling to wife. be up front and open in your conversations. She will be fearful of what the financial implications will mean and how you act towards her. I't may be a good opportunity to do a 180 here if you have taken 100% responsibility for finances.

Good luck.
JJ

[Thinker]

Only debt right now is our mortgage and 2 very reasonable car payments. I think in case of a D, we would have to sell the house, but we are not under water on it. My assumption would be that the car loans would go with the car - whoever takes the car as an asset also get's the applicable loan. We have less than a year until my w's car is paid off.