WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Just catching up on more journaling.

A troubling thing from last week is my 7 year old called me after we talked and said how he was sad and was hurt about how "mean" I was. He was really upset. I told him that I loved him and was really proud of him. I appologized for making him feel sad and told him that I was upset of things that were going on and know I shouldn't have been so short this weekend with both of them. I could almost hear my wife smiling, gloating and laughing in the background.

That nite she posted on her facebook page of how she just doesn't believe how some people still don't get it and haven't changed. A bunch of guys responded in support of her. I just looked at how childish it was and felt like it was HS.

I did pick up both boys on Friday and we spent a relaxing weekend at home. Both boys were excited to see me. She didn't call them on Friday. She called on Sat but my 3 year old didn't want to talk to her. It was a rainy Sat so we went to the bookstore to find some new books. My 7 year old has really gotten good at reading. My 3 year old is just getting into pretending to read. So it was a nice afternoon.

My 7 year old and I talked about him being sad. I told him that I will try not to make him sad but as the dad, there will be things that I say or do that he will not like nor agree with. I told him that it's not because I don't love him, but it's because as the parent, I do have to make the rules.

On Sunday we went to church in the morning. It is always emotional for me to go as I can still remember the last time the 4 of us went together. I was glad to have the boys with me. They did a nice job listening to the sermon and I noticed my 7 year old started to try to sing the songs. Very touching.

It got nice in the afternoon so we went out for a bike ride to the pond where we threw rocks into the water. It was a great afternoon.

She picked up the boys and I packed to head up back up to NY. It was nice to have a relaxing weekend with the boys. We really enjoyed being at home. It was really hard to head back up to NY this time around. I was surprised as it should have been routine by now.

I think part of it was that I had to pack some stuff for my apt so it feels like every week, the home that we had created is getting dismantled and there is NOTHING I can do about it. My 3 year old actually asked if we were going to have to move during the weekend. I told him that we will one day but the three of us will pick out a place together. I could see my 7 year old being really upset about it.

So I'm continuing to try and get my focus back on me. Because I know in order for the boys to my priority, I need to be a priority myself. I need to be strong, happy and confident.