Hey BR: Just wanted to put my two cents in regarding her breast lump. I think that you need to take a more proactive role in this situation. I know she has said that she can't "think about it right now" so it is in everyone's best interest for you to step up and do a little prodding.
Perhaps ask her, "What can I do to support you throughout this?" or "What can I do to make it easier on you?" and then list ways you can offer assistance--taking care of kids, driving her to doctor appointments, etc.
They will most likely want to do a lumpectomy and remove the lump. They may or may not do a biopsy of the lump beforehand to determine what they are dealing with..that is, whether it's cancer or not. Sometimes they do the biopsy at the time that they take the lump out.
I don't think that you should underestimate the effect this is having on her mental state. I don't think it's what caused your marital problems (those sound like they were there before this was discovered) but I think that a lot of her bizarre behavior is fear-based.
Look at it this way: In the best case scenario, she has the lumpectomy and gets the lump removed. The biopsy is fine and she is to just keep an eye out for future lumps. BUT, she has a huge divet in her breast where that lump resided. Her breast is now lopsided and ugly and has scars on it. She will never look the same. It sounds like the lump is sizable so that is what I am basing my prediction on (bet ya didn't know that Honey was a future-predictor, eh).
She is going to need a LOT of support to get through this, Blackie. The mental part is hard. Think of it this way: What if a doctor was going to cut off a huge chunk of one of your testicles? Would you want and need her support for the surgery, to deal with the anxiety and fear, to deal with the possible results of the biopsy, for reassurance that you are not ugly now, etc? I bet you would. Not to mention that if the lumpectomy takes off too much breast tissue, she might need a special bra to even out her breasts. I mean, this is no small thing here!! She is right to be terrified.
So start showing some concern over this, if nothing else. I'm sure that you taking her at her word (Don't talk to me about it) is feeding her negative mental attitude towards you. In her mind she is saying, He doesn't even care what happens to me. She is saying one thing and wanting you to DO another. That's my opinion. And the very LAST thing you want are near-strangers asking her 'What does Blackie think of the lump? Is he scared?' and having her reply that you haven't done or said much about it.
Don't give her any ammunition to use against you! Be a perfect husband so that she can't justify her STUPID behavior to herself.
Oh and definitely give her the story. Who cares if you send it or print it...if she wants to show it off badly enough, she will do it either way.
One more suggestion: Get the DB book and read it and start implementing it. You have such a golden opportunity here, Blackie. I think that your wife is seriously pissed at you but I don't think that she doesn't love you. It sounds like she wants the marriage to work but can't think of a way to do that while saving face. Plus she is scared to death to trust you and trust that your changes are for real and for permanent. Who can blame her!!!! Not you, buddy. So snap out of this down cycle that you are in and start DB'ing your arse off. I know you can do this!
