If you're like me when I first came here, you've built up enough resentment that some men would already have left, but you always told yourself you never would. Maybe that's not you, I'm just offering what I know, and since I'm no expert, all I really know is my own story. A couple of things to watch out for:
1. If you're like I was, you're coming here and telling the people here that you're ready to be told what you really need, but you're not. You're going to resent a lot of the advice, and you're going to wonder if people really get how brutal your wife has been to your marriage. Don't get discouraged. It's OK that you resent being told yet again how *you* can turn things around--it's natural to think she should be the one coming here to get advice on how to get back in your good graces.
2. It's tempting to hold onto old hurts like how she made you stop going hunting and fishing. Believe me, I speak from direct firsthand experience. The thing is, it doesn't work. If you really want to go, you have to go. You may feel like you're only going at her behest, but don't allow that to stop you. Again, if you have the means and the desire to go hunting with your son, GO. Ideally, this is the sort of thing people here will tell you to do whether your wife approves or not--if she doesn't approve, talk to her about it, explain why you're going to do it, and do it. But even if you've never done that, and even if she now thinks she's giving you permission to do it, you need to be focused on what you want to do and what you don't, not who gave permission or didn't. You need to be considering what you want in life to be happy.
3. This is almost a detail, but it's really not: there is no point in arguing about when you last had sex. That's her excuse. It makes no difference when the last time was. I realize she won't agree with that right away, but it's true. You're accepting a rationing program, and she's trying to slow down the rate of lovemaking because she feels pushed. If you're going to ask her to have sex with you, you have to be unwilling to accept any answer other than "yes," "no," or a genuine "maybe." Statements of fact like "We did that last week" are not yes, no, or maybe. They're excuses and bait to get off the topic she's not comfortable with. Don't accept them. Now, this means that if she says "no," you're going to be stuck, but if she says something like that again, your best response is "Does that mean yes or no?" (Obviously, if you read SSM together and set up a schedule to get things started, this advice will go out the window. But if you haven't agreed, together, on a schedule, then there shouldn't be one. You should ALWAYS be free to ask and she should always be free to say yes or no.)
I promise I'm not judging you. Dancequeen gave me her speech about *my* built-up resentment when I first came here, and if you can avoid responding with a list of why you're right to be resentful and it's all your wife's fault, you'll be way ahead of where I was.
