Mach asked you some questions on TIF’s thread and you asked me one on mine, I thought I would just bring it all back here.
I too have wondered the things that Mach said. You did an incredible job looking at your H’s stages and identifying what you have seen and experienced. So we have a pretty good idea where he is, but it’s hard to get a feel on where you are.
I also wonder how you are handling all of this, what have you done differently, how have you grown?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Hmm, pre crisis H and I would discuss and debate everything under the sun, us, our faults etc and agree to disagree all very friendly. Had 18 months when H pulled back and stopped engaging, sharing his thoughts except not happy with me in all areas. The more I defended, the worse it got, with me finally moved into tears easily etc.
The week H said he was leaving as soon as he could, I went to one three hour IC session, planned to kick this off as the new me, stopped all tears, found my happy respectful unconditional persona again, major 180 overnight (back to the old me). H calmed right down, his digs these days are dumb insolence type stuff, very difficult for me to say I have a problem with. Happening less and less, so have been letting slide.
I have another thread around somewhere in newcomers Eye of The Storm, goes from about week H was going to leave.
I am actually going very well most of the time, happy and smiling during the day. I keep really busy, make friends easily, go out heaps, also enjoy my own company, love life apart from this sitch. Down about one day a week probably, mainly in frustration at having to do nothing but smile and wave.
I knew 12 months pre bomb (bomb early this year) I had lost myself having kids, so spend a lot of last year working on being happy under any situation, forgiveness, stuff like that. Problem was, a lot of my changes were internal, so not visual. I knew H was unhappy, asked him why, if he had suggestions what I could work on for me several times last year, he did not know why he was unhappy and thought I should work it out for myself what I needed to do (couldn't understand that at the time).
So I was on the path, and once I found DBing, it put together a lot of the stuff I had started and hit the visual stuff too.
I feel I have a pretty good understanding of my faults and how to keep working on them. I really really want to have an R talk with H. He still has a composite picture of me at my worst on a bad day, and says its not me its him on a good day, but all under his breath so I need patience. I feel the wall between us coming down very slowly after little movement for several months I think. Just don't know where it will end up of course.
I am a long term planner so although I can set goals I am restricted by current sitch and two toddlers. I can cope with that but do find it frustrating so focus on shorter term things and getting a good head space. Getting my head in the best place possible was my number one goal for myself this year pre-crisis anyway.
Honestly, I think it was more going back to who I was a couple of years ago. When H met me I would work in a third world country one week, head office in designer suits the next so I always knew having kids full time would be different for me and a danger zone. I had always thought it would be a good time for personal and spiritual growth so had spent a few years thinking about being who I wanted to be for my kids.
This crisis has pulled all that together, sort of like the ultimate challenge for the goals I had set myself for this period in a weird sort of way. All very when the student (or challenge!) is ready the teacher will appear type stuff.
My main focus is on doing the best I can each day, plan for the worst but live in the moment.
I am not sure which of the things H has brought up really are most important to him at this stage. I know some things he has mentioned as being the big deal breaker type things were pretty small instances (a lunch in a cafe I don't hardly remember, for example). Likewise, things I mentioned an being a bad evening for me he does not recall that way at all, so understanding we had very different issues we did not communicate.
We both tried to please each other and made assumptions about what was important instead of saying what was important for us, so clear communication is a big one, even though we talked well. Also, LL, I did not appreciate how we had different LLs until recently.
During the crisis, I did not understand to back off completely for the first half, or how H had made it all about me. I had asked if it were me several times, and ws told no until he said he wanted to leave, so very frustrating and out of character. He said he did not know what was wrong.
Thanks for checking up. Looks like you have found a good place for you right now, glad to see it.
I am actually going well. I had my second session with my DB coach, took my my top ten list of items from my sitch that were filling my headspace and either came up with a mental positive tape to play when those items come up (always works for me), or a method to deal with them. I have been sleeping much better and using that headspace to plan to kickstart my career again, my next years main goal brought a bit forward.
H seems to still be taking baby step in a positive direction (at the moment!). Is spending as much time at home as he did pre-crisis, things are a lot more relaxing in the evenings after kids are in bed now, he is including me in his plans 1 year down the track (again this week!). Biggest difference would be need to control me and life seems to be winding back. Happy for other people to decide what to do on the day to day stuff now. Just starting to talk to me about fears such as aging etc. He has started planning for the future for the first time in several years. Relaxed when home, but still completely withdrawn when away at work. Still distant affection but more relaxed body language. Changes noted by me, as a good few weeks, could be anything or most probably nothing.
But I am feeling much better and more powerful than I have for a long time. Tis a nice change!
That he's talking to you about some of his fears is great. Getting old(er) can be scary enough, given the economy, well, I'd be preaching to the choir I suspect.
It's good to hear that the evenings are more relaxed and you've been included in plans more. Mostly I like that you are feeling pretty good from the sounds of it.
The career goals will be helpful on alot of levels. I hope you achieve more than you're aiming for.
Yep, I still will have one toddler at home full time next year so will ease back into it, however love my old career so nice challenge to make it work now I have small kids too. Added a few goals a few levels above what I would be happy with so happy to eventually just get them I think!
Like everyone, I have good days and not quite so good, a run of reasonable days puts more gas in the tank for the next round of hills, always helpful.
