Blackie I will ask Corri to send along a can of WHOMPASS to your W.
Don't give up now you are doing OK. I think you should think about starting a new thread in the newcomers section as perhaps you need more advice on your DBing. Don't worry I will come bother you on there if you do.
Ps have a look at the website on Corri's link re sexual aversion it has a lot more about marriages which is interesting.
Thanks Jiji. I may put that can on the shelf for a possible later use.
Update
As soon as I left for work and my muffin run, the W calls me. She called to apologize for the "mean" things she said to me last night. I accepted it but.... I'm still smarting from what she said although I know one of the first rules around her is not to listen.....
She later said she wished the kids could just be kids. I told her that her choice will make that difficult for them. I told her that despite what she thinks, the kids aren't "tough" as he says. I told her if she had access to the material I have had for 2 months, she would think twice about this. She was quiet for a few blocks and then in a round about way reminded me that I once told her we should try to work it out for the kids. She hinted at do I still think that. I told her we should try to work it out for ourselves and the kids would fall right in. She then said she didn't feel anything for me. I told her she doesn't feel anything right now because she has her blinders on. I know, a mistake I should have validated this point but I did that to death last night on this point and others.. I told her love is a choice not a feeling. I then said that we need to give this an honest try for us. I told her we would need to get real help in doing this and we shouldn't avoid it because "mean things will come out." They need to come out in a controlled setting so we can deal with them and move on. She then said what would happen if we tried and it didn't work out, would we stay together until the kids left. I told her if she gave it an honest to goodness chance and things didn't work, then so be it. I told her I don't feel she gave it a real chance during our last attempt at correcting things. She was quiet until I got to the off ramp.
When I got to the parking lot, she asked why would I want to be with a horrible person blah blah. I told her when I stood in front of God, our families and the judge, I meant what I said when I said for better or worse. I told her I didn't mean that I would cut and run when the going was tough. I think she was actually listening today. We'll see what happens. Last night, the D asked me if she could spend the weekend with her bud. I told her yes as the S will be at his dads. That would give me a quiet house. She shot that down but I later received a report that she changed her mind. I hope we can have some quiet time to really rap about things.
Last night, she kept saying I wasn't showing her I wanted to be with her. I did my best to voice my concern for her. She asked why didn't I do this 6 months ago. I wish I had access to this site a few months ago, I would have better things to report. She kept repeating that what I saw in the parking lot wasn't what it appeared to be. She said she told me she was having an affair because she wanted me to leave.
This woman is in a world of hurt and confusion right now. I hope for the best.
I'll keep that can of whoop azz handy just in case. I thought she was going to pop me one good last night.
Hey folks. Just and update. To be honest, not much new since the other day. W is acting nicer to me. This will be my weekend to try and make "something" happen. No kids until Sunday.
Yesterday, I sent W a joke email at work. I didn't get a reply for 3 hours. I thought she just didn't want to reply to it. She came back and said it was funny and then told me she went to her doctor for an appointment. She didn't tell me she had an appointment and I reckon she doesn't have to. I think.... A brief refresher. On the night of our last love session, I discovered a rather large lump in her breast. As soon as I did that, she seemed to shut down. A couple days later all this mess started. Me losing my job and her telling me she wants a D.
She tells me in her email that she will have to have surgery. She didn't go much into it other than she's been talking to folks that have gone through chemo. I wonder is she knows more than she's telling me. She once told me she didn't want to talk to me about his until she's straight in her head. I'm worried but it would put things in place a little. The other day, she knew this appointment was coming up and while I don't like people to use it as an excuse, her monthly bill was due(her period).
Last night she went to lunch with a friend I don't really dig. This friend once suggested I was at home cheating on her when they were on a scout overnight. Then she tells her we need to re-connect. Anyway, after she comes home. We go to the garage for a smoke and she tells me how horrible the last two days at work were for her. 45 minutes non-stop talking. I just sat and listened to her. There was no medical talk or R talk. Just her venting.
We went inside and she started doing her foot thing. She has a callus(sp) on her foot and it hurts. Her first comment to me was this makes her foot ugly. I told her that it still looked nice and missed my chance to show this. I think now that her breast may be in jepordy, she's concentrating on one of my fetishes. I won't miss the chance this time.
I feel better about making this work as I've receieved good news from a friend. His R was in a worse place than mine but his W has decided to try and work things out. I think a lot of it was his DB efforts. WAY TO GO BUDDY!!!!!!
BR was kind of sinking into a funk mood. With Thanksgiving coming and the W saying she wouldn't be attending this year. She may be alone. The kids are going to their parent's. I think this concession was done so W can insure having them for Christmas.
We have had Thanksgiving at my brother's place for the past 4 years. Our mom mentioned doing 2 dinners was a lot so the brothers took over. It's fun us doing things. My brother doesn't have much a cooking clue but he watches and learns and we get it done while listening to parades and It's A Wondeful Life. These memories help me stay out of the funky zone.
But at the same time, it won't be the same without the kids or the W. She said she wouldn't feel comfortable coming. I want her there but I don't know how to overcome her feelings. Yes, my people aren't happy with her as her's aren't. But come on. Part of me going all out has been for her.
Any ideas on convincing her to come.
She said she would just be alone. I don't want that. This brings back visions of our first Christmas when the kids were gone on Christmas Eve and her folks wouldn't allow her to come to their event. I hurt for her because I couldn't stay long that night. I don't want her spending Thanksgiving alone.
She has to work today but she said she was getting off early. I hope that's worm on the hook for me. I'll bite. I'll see if she wants to do something today. Any ideas what we can do? I was thinking maybe a show or shoot a couple rounds of pool. She said she feels like.... well I've said what she felt like last week.
Sorry folks. I had to get the sad feelings out so I can keep my sunny side up around her today. She's bound to feel sad when I start getting our feast stuff together.
BR was kind of sinking into a funk mood. With Thanksgiving coming and the W saying she wouldn't be attending this year. She may be alone. The kids are going to their parent's. I think this concession was done so W can insure having them for Christmas.
We have had Thanksgiving at my brother's place for the past 4 years. Our mom mentioned doing 2 dinners was a lot so the brothers took over. It's fun us doing things. My brother doesn't have much a cooking clue but he watches and learns and we get it done while listening to parades and It's A Wondeful Life. These memories help me stay out of the funky zone.
But at the same time, it won't be the same without the kids or the W. She said she wouldn't feel comfortable coming. I want her there but I don't know how to overcome her feelings. Yes, my people aren't happy with her as her's aren't. But come on. Part of me going all out has been for her.
Any ideas on convincing her to come.
She said she would just be alone. I don't want that. This brings back visions of our first Christmas when the kids were gone on Christmas Eve and her folks wouldn't allow her to come to their event. I hurt for her because I couldn't stay long that night. I don't want her spending Thanksgiving alone.
She has to work today but she said she was getting off early. I hope that's worm on the hook for me. I'll bite. I'll see if she wants to do something today. Any ideas what we can do? I was thinking maybe a show or shoot a couple rounds of pool. She said she feels like.... well I've said what she felt like last week.
Sorry folks. I had to get the sad feelings out so I can keep my sunny side up around her today. She's bound to feel sad when I start getting our feast stuff together.
Hi Blackie I think you should stay at home with the w if your relatives are not going to be nice to her. If you think they will be OK then speak to them first and tell her they wanted her to come to see if you can convince her. Without invading her privacy perhaps you could mention that she is not well and you don't want her to be upset. But you should not leave her alone especially with the medical issues hanging over her head. Even tho you have been thru some tough times recently she should still come first with regards to your family. That might be something which will show her how much you care.
I'm sorry to hear about her health probs that must be really hard for her. You should try to have a talk about it and tell her you will be there for her and not to worry.
Quote: Hi Blackie I think you should stay at home with the w if your relatives are not going to be nice to her. If you think they will be OK then speak to them first and tell her they wanted her to come to see if you can convince her. Without invading her privacy perhaps you could mention that she is not well and you don't want her to be upset. But you should not leave her alone especially with the medical issues hanging over her head. Even tho you have been thru some tough times recently she should still come first with regards to your family. That might be something which will show her how much you care.
I'm sorry to hear about her health probs that must be really hard for her. You should try to have a talk about it and tell her you will be there for her and not to worry.
Good advice Jiji. The problem may have solved itself. My bro said bring her along and they will be nice to her. For me. This time last year, he thought the world of her. Earlier this year when I was ready to walk, he talked me down and helped me realize I didn't want to do that. He now feels bad for doing that. He doesn't hate her or really dislikes her he says, he says he's dissapointed and hurt. My mom says she doesn't hate her or dislike her either. She said we're both childish and could work things out if we knew how to and got help.
Anyway, her brother was to come up here to be with her over the holiday but something came up where he will be house sitting for a friend. He's bummed, she's bummed. They're kind of friend/brother/sister as me an my brother are. Well, he threw a bug in her ear to come down to Florida to stay with him. She's trying to twist money around to find the cash to go down there. Most likely she will. I think it's silly. But when we were a squad, I couldn't/wouldn't talk her out of such a silly mission, I have no pull now. At least I don't think I do. Her mom is worried that she will go down there and do something "silly." While she didn't elaborate on what silly was, W thinks she meant kill herself. If this makes her happy, fine but I think it's silly as her money is tight as a drum anyway.
Back a month or so ago, I think I told the group of her breast problem. I was the one who discovered it during our last session in August. I sometimes feel she blames me for that. I told her before her first appointment in October I was there for her. If not as a hubby, then a friend. At that time, she said she didn't want to talk to me about it. I took it bad and the wrong way. She said she wouldn't want to talk to me about it right away if things were good. She needed to get things right in her head. I can dig that. I worry that if she keeps on the D train, who will watch out for her? Those new friends of hers won't. The kids can't. Who will?
Did I tell you your moniker was W's nephew's pet name for her? I think I did. Any rate, she's happy today, we get the little man for most of the day. That kind of relieves me of making big Sunday dinner as usual. W wanted chili anyway so that's what I'll make
Update.
Not much happened over the weekend. It wasn't the earth shattering report I wanted to make. I guess the fact that we were able to have civil talk and watch tv together albeit on different couches is a plus. W started D & R talk today. Not much. She told me how she hopes I learned something from all this that may help in the future for me with someone else. She then said she told me exactly what she wanted. I told her looking back, I take most the blame for not hearing her but her needs were masked in nags and insults. Therefore, they didn't get through. She thought on it and said I was right. We then talked about a family member who is carrying on with a separated woman who I think is coming back to her man. She was wondering how that could happen if the lady felt the connection was gone. I quoted from the book, "love is a decision, not a feeling." I told her when I was thinking of leaving her, I decided that I did love her and the feeling came back. She looked at me and asked did I believe that. Not in a smart azz tone or anything like that. But she was thinking on what I said I could tell. This woman is more on the edge than she thinks. This is from my gut/heart. She wants to be able to stay. I know guys, I need to show her in a big way. I'm working on it. We then talked about trusting anyone in the future and she had to tell me how some guy asked her out. I don't know why she has to tell me this stuff. I don't tell her when some dame on the job comes up and tells me she wants to do more than go out with me. Well during this conversation, she asked me what else would I be doing today. I ran down the rest of my honey do list and then told her I was finishing a porn story I was writing. I've dabbled in porn stories over the last year or so as a release. Fantasy stuff. In the past few months, the fantasy stuff is about her. I told her that. She told me in a semi joking manner that she wants to read it when it was done. Should I let her read this stuff? Why does she want to read it and will she keep reading it like I think she is still reading my letter?
Do you really think your W has any suicidal thoughts? I have heard that if people start to talk about it there may be a risk they might do it. She is not handling things very well and she has the health scare to worry about too. If you think there may be anything to it you should take it seriously. Perhaps suggest she talk to someone.
The porn story thing: I think you should let her see it as long as it is something you think she would like to read. I mean nothing she might find disrespectful. They say women are more turned on by erotic fiction than visual stuff. Personally not sure about this, but I still think she would like it. Give it to her when she is in a good mood. I think that will certainly show her you have been thinking about her and that you still are interested in her. Hey and another thing you should call it erotic fiction not porn!!
Maybe have another go at persuading her to go with you to your family for Thanksgiving. Say you understand she misses her bro but you would really like to have her there. Even if she decides to go see her brother after all at least she will know you wanted to be with her.
Hey Jiji. I don't know if she does or not with regards to the thoughts. She has said it a couple times. For example, we were talking about something I don't remember and she said "I can't take much more of this stuff, I will leave you the house the kids and cats and stay gone and you can raise them since they like you more or I can just kill myself. I can' take this." I don't know. To be honest, I can see her crashing and burning soon. With all the stuff going on and lack of support from her family, she will be in a bad way. If she lets this thing go, I won't be as willing to come to her rescue. Sad but true. I will have to look out for myself. This reminds me of days past when she was in this way. She would have panic attacks and such when she had time to sit and think about things. This may happen again and this may be the reason why she's trying to do everything under the sun to stay busy.
At this point considering the way I feel about her today, I don't care what she does for Thanksgiving. Go stay come whatever. I won't have my Thanksgiving ruined by her flip flop. I hate to say it, but this is my time to enjoy myself. If things continue, I may as well get used to things without her anyway. That's how I feel today.
As far as the erotic fiction, my printer is down and I won't go get ink for hers so she suggested I send it to her at work. Probably so she can run it off and show the girls in the office like I'm sure she did with my letter. It's not raunchy per se. Body parts are identified by text book names. Actions well..... I told her open and print it at her own risk. We'll see. As you can tell by my tone, I'm not happy with her today. I guess I'll get over it. My thoughts on things are much different than hers. She's black or white, I'm shades of gray. My horoscope was close to what's going on today. Not that I believe that stuff but they have been on for the past few months. Maybe I should listen. Check it out
You feel things on a much deeper level than most people, which makes it difficult for them to see where you're coming from -- and vice versa. You may want to keep your feelings to yourself as much as possible -- trying to explain yourself will probably be much more trouble than it's actually worth. Your closest personal relationships could be adversely affected by the way you view the world right now. However, your brooding mood won't last long, and the effect of it on others will soon wear off as well.
Hey BR: Just wanted to put my two cents in regarding her breast lump. I think that you need to take a more proactive role in this situation. I know she has said that she can't "think about it right now" so it is in everyone's best interest for you to step up and do a little prodding.
Perhaps ask her, "What can I do to support you throughout this?" or "What can I do to make it easier on you?" and then list ways you can offer assistance--taking care of kids, driving her to doctor appointments, etc.
They will most likely want to do a lumpectomy and remove the lump. They may or may not do a biopsy of the lump beforehand to determine what they are dealing with..that is, whether it's cancer or not. Sometimes they do the biopsy at the time that they take the lump out.
I don't think that you should underestimate the effect this is having on her mental state. I don't think it's what caused your marital problems (those sound like they were there before this was discovered) but I think that a lot of her bizarre behavior is fear-based.
Look at it this way: In the best case scenario, she has the lumpectomy and gets the lump removed. The biopsy is fine and she is to just keep an eye out for future lumps. BUT, she has a huge divet in her breast where that lump resided. Her breast is now lopsided and ugly and has scars on it. She will never look the same. It sounds like the lump is sizable so that is what I am basing my prediction on (bet ya didn't know that Honey was a future-predictor, eh).
She is going to need a LOT of support to get through this, Blackie. The mental part is hard. Think of it this way: What if a doctor was going to cut off a huge chunk of one of your testicles? Would you want and need her support for the surgery, to deal with the anxiety and fear, to deal with the possible results of the biopsy, for reassurance that you are not ugly now, etc? I bet you would. Not to mention that if the lumpectomy takes off too much breast tissue, she might need a special bra to even out her breasts. I mean, this is no small thing here!! She is right to be terrified.
So start showing some concern over this, if nothing else. I'm sure that you taking her at her word (Don't talk to me about it) is feeding her negative mental attitude towards you. In her mind she is saying, He doesn't even care what happens to me. She is saying one thing and wanting you to DO another. That's my opinion. And the very LAST thing you want are near-strangers asking her 'What does Blackie think of the lump? Is he scared?' and having her reply that you haven't done or said much about it.
Don't give her any ammunition to use against you! Be a perfect husband so that she can't justify her STUPID behavior to herself.
Oh and definitely give her the story. Who cares if you send it or print it...if she wants to show it off badly enough, she will do it either way.
One more suggestion: Get the DB book and read it and start implementing it. You have such a golden opportunity here, Blackie. I think that your wife is seriously pissed at you but I don't think that she doesn't love you. It sounds like she wants the marriage to work but can't think of a way to do that while saving face. Plus she is scared to death to trust you and trust that your changes are for real and for permanent. Who can blame her!!!! Not you, buddy. So snap out of this down cycle that you are in and start DB'ing your arse off. I know you can do this!
