New to this Community seeking advice

[MichelleLT]

Well, give it time. If she still sounds guarded/cautious, keep it just about the boys.

By calling regularly you are showing her the type of father you want to be, even from a distance. And she will notice even if you don't talk to her each time.

[JR09]

I called again today to continue my regular calls for the boys. My W answered. Before I talked with the boys, I told her that I added unlimited texting to our family phone plan since S12 has been texting quite a bit, adding to our monthly cell phone bill.

So I informed her, and she listened carefully. I learned that she didn't want the boys to text because it would cost money. She seemed pleased when I told her the unlimited texting only cost an addiditonal $20, so it was no longer an issue.

Anyway, I had a good talk with S10, and he was very happy when I told him we now have unlimited texting. I still asked him to make sure he asks Mom if he can text so she knows it's also going to be one of our communication methods.

Good contact tonight with the boys. I am happy. I hope my W notices even if I definitely do it for the boys.

JR

[JR09]

Journaling.

Went to the gym at 6:00AM today. Good workout. Good way to shake off all the frustrations of the week,DBing efforts,loneliness.
The thought of having a calling schedule with the boys really eases my mind and gives me a lot of peace and comfort. Better yet, my W seems to support it, so that's a plus indeed.

Well, college football is on this morning. I have to go.

JR.

[MichelleLT]

Glad the calling plan is working out!

Good stuff!

[JR09]

The calling plan is definitely going well. Now I call the boys, email them, and text them. Lots of communication options to make up for the absence of physical presence. Do you think my W is aware of it? I know,I know,I have to do this for ME and the boys. Just wondering if these efforts could be noticed by my W.

Another question is: what about my W's silence? I haven't spoken with her for awhile. But I know she gets my voicemails when I send one to check in with the boys. What's the meaning of my W's silence? I emailed her yesterday to ask about the plans she has for the boys for Christmas. I just asked her if she can give me dates so I can make plans on my end to take leave and have it approved by my superiors. No answers yet.

Anyway. I'm asking questions. Maybe I'm asking too much. I don't know. I don't know much anymore other than DBing as best I can, focus on being loving and patient, and strive to be a good father, even at long distance.

JR

[healthydad]

Hey JR,
I'm so glad to hear the energy that comes through in your words as you write about talking with your boys -that's just wonderful - for them and for you.

Not sure what to say about your W's silence - other than to say that it must be what she needs right now for herself - and as hard as it must be to accept it, maybe that's all you can do. Any effort to break her silence could be seen as an intrusion on your part.

As for Christmas...I don't know what to say...Perhaps a gentle reminder of your email if she doesn't respond by Wed - just letting her know that it's important - and that you just want to make sure you have the time off to spend with your boys...

Take care of yourself.
-Carlos.

[JR09]

THANKS Carlos. Great to hear from you. I'm glad you are back. I hope you are doing OK as well. Your counsel, along with Veronica's and Michelle's are always sound and meaningful.
One day I'll be where you guys are at:self-actualized. Maybe that's why I'm not there yet...because I still have so many questions and insecurities...One day...one day.

Thanks again, Carlos.

JR

[healthydad]

Hi JR,
I think you're much further along than you realize - you've really accomplished so much over this last year - and just thinking of how far you've come should give you a lot to be proud of - the man you are is someone who can bestow so much to his children - they have an opportunity to see the power of both strength and vulnerability - and the gift of determination. There are many things that your children see in you that they might not know how to describe or articulate yet - but your virtues are becoming part of them - and that's honorable and good.

I still struggle a lot through my days...I haven't posted much recently because I've just been going through my own dark places - and just haven't had the energy (emotionally or physically) to write much...one of the few things that I've gathered from these last couple weeks of terrible sadness that I've been through (mostly from missing my older son, who is so far away) - is that I can only push through and overcome my situation if I accept it - and get myself to the mindset not just of letting go, but also of letting be...but this perspective is just another step for me on what I know to be a long, continuous journey toward personal growth.

I hope you get some resolution about the holidays soon - such a delicate issue...I'm working on the same thing myself.

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Journaling.

Had a great phone linkup with the kids tonight. My calling plan is in full swing and I just started week 2. I called first in the evening but picked up the voicemail. I called an hour later and the boys were there. My W is pretty good now at making sure the boys don't miss my phone call. That's nice. My W even asked my S12 to ask me how to spell "armoire", which he did as he repeated the spelling to my W as he spoke to me. Nothing at all to read into, but I like the fact she asked my S12 to ask me.

Tonight, I called an old friend who knows my situation. He is also a counselor. He disagrees with the DBing technique to NOT pressure the W about the R. He feels the R should be addressed especially after 16 months of separation. This other friend also disagreed with the DBing way of not bringing up the R into the conversation. I explained to them what DBing was about. They didn't understand why I didn't confront my W about the R.

I still believe DBing is the right approach at this time. My 2 friends told me they couldn't take 16 months of separation. I believe having patience through all this is a sign of strenght and willpower. I think it was either you Carlos, or Veronica, or Michelle who mentioned that in one post. DBing is the ultimate test of willpower. I'd like to say I have the patience and willpower to do what it takes to be whole again.

JR

[MichelleLT]

Well, most people wouldn't take 16 months of separation. This is probably why the D rate in this country is so high.

We have a society that wants immediate gratification in everything. And with the absolute least effort.

The process is obviously bearing fruit for you. You are growing.

SO glad the calling plan is working out!!!!

I agree to give her a bit longer then send a gentle reminder about the holidays. That is important for your kids.