Am I at this stage?

[TrentC]

Ya, not on birth control. Should maybe get on that. We don't use condoms, never had. This is the wierd part of my whole sitch. I'm not on birth control because we wanted another baby. So decided that we wouldn't actively "try" but if it happened it happened. We weren't going to actually plan it, just let it happen. So ya how the heck can you be at that stage in your life one day, and then separated the next?

That's not relevant at the moment. Trust me, the issues you two have right now will be nothing to what you will be talking about if you end up pregnant.

Best-case scenario? He'll accuse you of getting pregnant to trap him into staying.
Worst-case scenario? He'll accuse you of sleeping with someone else to trap him into staying.

As my mother said when I had mixed feelings about our pregnancy scare, "I know plenty of single mothers where the biological father is nothing more than a check in the mail, so don't kid yourself about this being a positive thing."

But also for those of you that don't know my H, the main reason for our split is because he feels so much pressure in our marriage.

Rule number one: Walk-away spouses rewrite history to fit their perception of the relationship.

He is a people pleaser and in return feels pressure and the need to please me all the time. I have learned to release that pressure off of him, and give him a more carefree, enjoyable environment when he is around me.

Rule number two: You cannot depend on another person to make you happy, because they will let you down.

To be honest, it looks like learning to release that pressure for him didn't do a damn bit of good, did it?. Your obligation in that respect ended when he decided to handle his stress by cutting and running.

Talking to him about sexual boundaries and not getting anything from me until he is home would just piss him off, and put that added pressure on him from me to come home.

No, that's not what it means at all. Setting a boundary is not controlling his behavior, it's you articulating your needs.

Example:

"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY

"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY

"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY

And I don't want to do that. I would rather just stay away and keep my distance. That "talk" would push him away... I know it.

How well have your feelings and intuition about the situation worked for you until now? Did giving in and having sex with your husband improve things at all? Did pushing back and behaving in a way he didn't expect get you closer to what you wanted?

This stuff is counter-intuitive. I know it's hard, because I still have trouble wrapping my head around it. But as long as you indulge his selfish behavior, there is no incentive for him to change.

He will not think about changing until he sees there is a chance that he will lose you.

He will not think about changing until he realizes that his life will involve picking his kids up from your house every other weekend. Or worse, not seeing his kids at all.

(OK, I'm serious now. There's an alt address in my profile. I don't expect you to give me your home address, but if you send me a valid address to mail something, I will send you a copy of The Divorce Remedy because you're killing me here!)