Can I save my marriage?

[TrentC]

I just don't know what to think about this? Is it normal for him to be so affectionate friday and then not at all? I just want to know what's going through his mind?

He's probably not sure himself. He's going to test your boundaries to see what he is or is not allowed to do (see my comments on the other thread on how to handle that).

After such a breakthrough, how long is it going to take for him to finally come to me with the R talk? Yes i know, impatience is playing a part here. But I'm struggling.

It will take as long as it takes for him to decide to change. This is a process that can take months, and is dependant on how successful you are at GAL and maintaining boundaries.

We have no control over our spouses, all we can do is influence their behavior with our own.

[CityGirl]

It's very common for a WAS to pull back after a positive exchange with the LBS. This will happen for quite some time. That is why its essential for you to detach and take each moment for what it is. A nice moment. Not only must YOU detach, you must refrain from attaching *any* expectations based on one good date, call or moment.

Your H might never decide to change. Or, he might be changing but its just not the change you want. Either way you don't have control over what he may or may not be doing.

Its difficult but also reality. A big part of your struggle can be altered by you and your ability to detach and eradicate any and all expectations you may have about the future of the R.

[Lll54]

You are right Citygirl. I do have HUGE expectations now after that day, and yesterday too, the whole family outing to the hockey game and having supper was something we did that three weeks ago was non existing. So it has given me these great expectations, and now i'm in trouble cause I'm living because of them. I was doing so well, obviously making changes and they were lasting and I felt good about it. And I felt good that my H was noticing but now that he has given me that little bit, i'm stuck again. Back to analyzing, and wishing and wanting...what a process this is! I do need to try and let go of those expectations but I just don't know how to right now. I will continue to GAL, I just feel like even while doing so I am still waiting for the day when I will see him again and hopefully get more great comments or actions from him.

Trent, you're right, he is totally testing my boundaries. He is bringing up things that he is doing while we are apart to see my reactions. Which in the past may have been bad but are now good. I can only hope that he eventually likes what he sees and decided to come home.

[ClingingToHope]

So it has given me these great expectations, and now i'm in trouble cause I'm living because of them. I was doing so well, obviously making changes and they were lasting and I felt good about it. And I felt good that my H was noticing but now that he has given me that little bit, i'm stuck again. Back to analyzing, and wishing and wanting...

My wife asked me to move out on mother's day. In the time I've been out, we had one good R talk where I was able to cut through the fog. Even in that conversation she said she felt happier without me -- more in control.

Still, I asked her what was next and she said she wanted to call me once a week on her lunch break so she wasn't around the kids to talk.

I was ecstatic. It gave me real hope again. Then a week went by. No call. I asked if she was going to call. She said the next week. The next week, no call. Finally three weeks ago I asked her what happened to the calls.

She said she only said that that day to get me off the phone and in the interim she'd seen an attorney and would have filed for D if she had the retainer.

I'd been banking on the fact that at least things weren't getting worse so they must be getting better.

Hearing that knocked me back to square one. It was the fourth R talk we've had where she cold-heartedly rejected any suggestion of seeing a C.

It hurt that day but since, I've made huge strides.

* I'm trying to look at her as the caretaker of my kids who has lots of issues she'll need to deal with eventually.

* I moved forward on retaining an attorney.

* Last week when she called to talk about the kids and then transitioned into talking about D I didn't flinch or beg or plead. I told her she should look into a couple of different, less expensive options.

* Last week when she demanded I take the next day off when our daughters were sick, I told her she couldn't make demands of me. She is the primary caregiver and I'm paying her child support so they are her responsibility. I'll help as much as I can but I couldn't that day.

Long post to bring up the point. Don't get sucked in emotionally by the baby steps. Keep going which what you are doing and make them fully commit to you.

[TrentC]

So it has given me these great expectations, and now i'm in trouble cause I'm living because of them.

Bingo. And until you start to detach, you'll keeping having those days. You need to live for yourself and your kids.

I was doing so well, obviously making changes and they were lasting and I felt good about it. And I felt good that my H was noticing but now that he has given me that little bit, i'm stuck again.

I know how that is. I think most of us do.

Back to analyzing, and wishing and wanting...what a process this is! I do need to try and let go of those expectations but I just don't know how to right now.

OK, I'm about ready to ask you for a mailing address that I can send a copy of The Divorce Remedy to! Yer killing me here!

I will continue to GAL, I just feel like even while doing so I am still waiting for the day when I will see him again and hopefully get more great comments or actions from him.

For right now, that's not a bad way to live; just make sure that he doesn't realize that's what you're doing, or he'll continue to pluck at your heart strings.

Wait until he's gone for the night before crying, feign slight indifference to his plans (when they don't involve the kids, of course). Don't return his calls or text msgs right away, and only if they're important.

Trent, you're right, he is totally testing my boundaries. He is bringing up things that he is doing while we are apart to see my reactions.

Question -- did you ever clearly articulate any boundaries like the one I mentioned in your other thread? Has it been made clear that you don't want any romance from him until he decides to come home?

As for bringing his other activities up, mild indifference will work here too. "Oh, that's nice." "Hmm." "Good for you."

You do see that your new behavior is already having an effect on him, right? Would you have believed that he would be acting this way just a week or two ago? Imagine what things might be like two weeks from know. Or two months from now.

You're learning that you still have power in your relationship. Use it wisely, and you may get your happy ending.

[ClingingToHope]

As for bringing his other activities up, mild indifference will work here too. "Oh, that's nice." "Hmm." "Good for you."

My W has done that to me. In the three months I've been in my apartment, she's had six weekends as a "single" woman.

She was spotted at the county fair with an OM. She said they are just friends. I actually believe her. She's way to anti man right now to jump into another R.

Then she went with a coworker to see the coworker's husband's band play. It was in a state north of us and she had her mom watch the girls so she could stay out all night. It was actually my weekend to have the kids, but I had to work on a Friday night.

Then last week in the middle of a talk about D and finances, she brought up the fact she was out with a sl*tty friend of hers who has been married twice, cheated on both, and they went to a bar owned by a friend of mine. She was upset a couple of my friends were mean to her. Although she said a couple of others were "nice."

The first two times hurt. I spent a lot of time wondering what she was doing. The third time I didn't really care. The people she is hanging with aren't a bunch of fun. They just hit dive bars.

I gave her a bit of her own medicine this weekend. The girls were sick -- it was her weekend -- and I offered to help out by taking one to the library. I told her I could only do it for four hours because I was going to Chicago.

In Chicago, I texted her to tell D10 I'd just passed Barack Obama's house.

I didn't go to Chicago to make W jealous. I have friend there who invited me to hangout. We met a ton of her friends. Stayed out until 2 a.m. and talked until 4 a.m. I'm not her type. She was friends with W back on a dance team and I was telling her my story and she was giving me insights.

I posted the pics of me smiling with my friend and her friends on FB and made it available for anyone to see. If it gets back to her, all the better.

Long story short. Get going on GALing and if the opportunity arises, don't be shy about it. Let the WAS wonder what you are doing. When the whole process starts, the LBS usually is in pity mode. Getting out of that flips the script.

[Gardener]

CTH
Believe none of what you hear and only 50% of what you see.

[Lll54]

Thanks. That has been my focus for the last week and will continue to be my focus for the future. I NEED to GAL, I realize that. It will be hard this week, as H is going away to play hockey this weekend and I'm keeping the kids for the days which he would normally have them. So in other words he will be doing good at GAL'ing this weekend and i will be with the kids. But I will just try and look at it as a momentary lapse. And I will pick it back up Monday when he takes the boys overnight again.

[TrentC]

Thanks. That has been my focus for the last week and will continue to be my focus for the future. I NEED to GAL, I realize that. It will be hard this week, as H is going away to play hockey this weekend and I'm keeping the kids for the days which he would normally have them. So in other words he will be doing good at GAL'ing this weekend and i will be with the kids. But I will just try and look at it as a momentary lapse. And I will pick it back up Monday when he takes the boys overnight again.

Getting a life does not have to be at the expense of your kids; they are part of your life.

Take them to the park. Try to find other (single?) parents with kids to network with.

[Lll54]

Unfortunately I don't know any single parents with kids. But I will try to do something that's for sure. Thanks Trent.