Corri. Where I am right now is all over the board. In the end, I want to stay with my W. Why, because I do love her.
Am I mad at her right now? Yes I am. I do feel as if she's taking me for granted. I think she's come to expect me to "take care" of her. I was warned before we moved in together and got married, she would expect this. Dumb me I didn't listen as set ground rules.
What I want from my W is a little respect. I don't want to be taken for granted. She's starting to see how much I really do around here. She was just in here asking me can I pony up for lunch money. I have it, but I'm not giving it her. She went on a spending spree this weekend. Granted it was for Christmas. I'm sure in her mind she was thinking "I can spend this J------- always has come through." Well no he isn't.
I think the power struggle you sense is her feeling the kids respect me more than her and prefer to be with me. I suspect that's true. After a year of them only seeing her less than I do or see her sleeping. They see who is there for them. The other day, the girl asked me how is it mommy can't spend time with them because she's tired but she can do things with her friends. I can't answer that. I won't try. In the past, I've defended her. I don't trash her, but I don't defend her anymore.
Why do I stay? Because I want to work things out for us. Me and her. I didn't enter this thing lightly. Another reason why I am staying. Well....this is my house. More so than hers I would think. I put down 95% of the down payment. My credit help to cover her crummy credit
Long answer short. Yes I do want to stay in my marriage. I don't want to be taken for granted. She's said that in the past....
2 hour gap..........
As I was typing this. W decided it was time to get into me. We went to the garage to talk. She was mad because she said I was being mysterious. She then said that my going out lately makes it seem as if I didn't want to be around her. She said the kids are seeing this. I don't think that's the case. I think it's her who thinks this.
She then began a somewhat R talk. She asked about my feeling on this stuff. I told her I didn't want a D but it was being forced on me. She then told me she was mad because I told her brother something. Her brother wants to dump his woman and talked of a pay off. I quipped that he was trying like heck to get rid of his I'm trying like heck to keep mine.She then said I wasn't doing anything to show her I didn't want this. I asked what more can I do? Of course, no answer.
She then went into telling me how she felt lately. I of course validated. She then went back to why she thought I was cheating. I told her she wouldn't believe it but I wasn't. Of course, she asked me what would I have believed. She then asked about my kissing her. She said she didn't think I wanted to kiss her. I told her the truth. I told her I didn't think I kissed worth a crap. She told me that nonsense and I can kiss. I told her I was angry at her comment that I didn't help with Christmas. She apologized and said she was wrong. Surprised me.
She told me that she didn't feel worthy and that I didn't want her. I simply said that I can understand why she felt that way but she was wrong. Tear flowed and what not. She then said that she feels like she can't be loved and why didn't I show by cards, flowers and such. I told unlike the supermen she works with(guy who to me it seems are like tv/movie men) I always AsSumed she would know I loved her. She then went into sex talk and how I must find her unsexy. I was gross but I told her a man won't put his mouth anywhere on a woman's body she asks him to if he didn't find this to be true. She sat there and tried to assimilate that. I told her I read books on stuff like that but I didn't think it was good enough. She then said it was.
It ended better than it started. She did say that she didn't want me talking to her family. She then told her brother of the incident from 2 Sundays ago. I think she's trying to shake her peoples support for me.
I'm still trying to figure this out. Several times during the conversation, I think I could hear her saying how can I trust what you're saying is true. She did say something Honeypot has been saying. Actions speak louder than words. She said one of her bud told her I would try to put the moves on her. I told her I want to like heck but I have to respect her wishes and not try.
I've mentioned it before, I think she wants me to put a move on her. I'm sure she would shoot me down but I think she wants me to attempt it. For a time, I think she was on the fence of changing her mind. I took the blame for a lot of crap going on although I know I'm not the sole cause.
She has since gone to bed. I think I need to as well for a fresh outlook on this.
