My D10 and I bumped into x at the store yesterday; he was just standing, watching the cart, so I knew that his gf wasn't far. I turned to D10 and said, Look, go say hi to your Dad. Problem is, she froze. It all happened in a split second - one of those things that you feel, intuit. She must have sensed that my stomach clenched. I could feel her anxiety, her look of, "Oh, sh!t!," being caught in the middle. Of course, she went over to say hello. I turned back to the meat in the case. Then we got together and left (really before my shopping was done, but I was done). She was trying to take care of me, which is NOT where I want my D10 to be! Not fair... I don't want to screw up my kids. I don't want to hurt them. That is what made me bawl tonight. I feel guilty, and still want to be able to fix something that is beyond repair.
All a continuation of a theme. I HAVE TO get past this, more for them at this point.
The IC said that she thinks I am holding on, that it is a "safer" place (although not a healthy one), rather than face work on myself, getting on with life. I am playing the part of victim of an affair. Have to accept that it is over, that x isn't doing anything "to" me, anymore, accept the reality of the situation. The kids have accepted the divorce; they aren't wishing it away.
She said that maybe it just is too soon for me, but senses an inner struggle. That I am tired of all this. I went in with a timeline of things:
Quote:
Summer 05 – I told her to back off (4 ½ years ago) 5/06 sex in our house (3 ½ years ago) (July 06 was our Cape Cod family vacation) 11/06 bomb (3 years ago) 7/07 he left (2 ¼ years ago) I go into the psych ward 10/07 and 1/08 6/08 divorced (1 1/3 years ago) 10/08 he bought a house w/her (1 year ago)
We met 5/31/86 – 20 years later, he was unfaithful Married 5/31/92 – 16 years (22 together) later, we were divorced Daughter is only 10… we only got her to 7 ½ before we fell apart.
She promises that this is the last push. I am just so tired. I have been forced to accept so much, to adjust, to change so radically. How can there possibly be more? But there is....for the kids. So I don't remain the victim, bitter and resentful. What would be the best FOR THE KIDS? What should that look and feel like?
I am afraid; afraid that I can't pull it off, afraid that I will keep trying but not be able to repress or, better, get past these feelings, afraid of damaging my kids, afraid of not being strong enough. Afraid that I really am worthless, unloveable, and will forever forward be alone like I am now. (I have heard through the grapevine that his family has started to agree with him, that they've said he is a saint for putting up with me for so long, that I was lazy and he did everything - I know it for what it is, I know they are trying to heal the wounds between them and their brother, doing the family thing - but it still stings. This is not including his parents, who are still tenents...but I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't do their own mental acrobatics in order to find a way to regain a better relationship with their son).
Here is the old, old quote again: Let Go and Move On.
I called my sister tonight. I told her why I think I hold on....everyone I have ever loved and cared for deeply is either dead or has rejected me. I looked to x to give me the love and validation that I didn't get from my parents. And I got that for a long time (was it real, for the whole time? I can't really know for sure, anymore). But he convinced me that I was someone worthwhile, loveable. Until I wasn't. Eight months of confusion, followed by anger and venom - the most opposite thing to what I had thought I had.
Sis pointed out some of my flaws, but said that I was the one who really had to look for all of them (since everyone can wear a mask with others, but much harder to hide from yourself). I was always looking for someone to help and take care of me. She saw it as selfishness...I can see it as more co-dependence, blurred lines in where I started and ended. This is better, at least. I will always have to be aware of it. But there are other things to work on - that, given the number of people who have decided that I'm "not worth it," maybe there is truth in that and things to look at and improve on. Things have to get better, since I have the majority of time with the kids. I have to live up to my responsibility to them, even if it is hard. Learned helplessness (the co-dependence/help me in my life) from mom, the alcoholic? Maybe. I complained that even she had been able to "keep her husband." Sis pointed out that was obligation, responsibility, not love.
All I ever wanted was for him to love me. Sis said that is all I ever want from anyone; but that it shouldn't matter, and I can't look for validation outside of myself.
Have I had this conversation before? I am having some deja vu, here....
ANYway, here is the question for my friends here:
How did YOU close the door? My IC told me to ask all of you, see if you can tell me what it is you did, said, thought about, etc., that got you to accept and move on. I know that the optimal goal is for my x, my kids and I, probably even the gf, to all be in the same room together with no pressure or anxiety, someday. It's not going to be enough for me to just pretend - my kids are too intuitive for that. It seems like an impossible thing...I just don't know if I am strong enough. But I have to be, for them. How? I understand the drive to self-medicate, now. I just want to stop feeling...
