Really wanting HELP!

[sandi2]

Instead of finding fault with her, I ask that the LBS's talk to her and give any suggestions that they might have for her to work at this MR. She already knows what all she did wrong!! She didn't come here asking that the LBH's tell her where she went wrong in her M. As one of you have said....you sure wished your W would do this.

I agree that it did not "just happen", but since I have gone through post partdom depresson and the fog of a WAW.....I recognize a woman here who is reaching out for your help, and she is so hopeless about the MR, she can't find all the right phrases to use to explain or answer the questions given. I know how hard it is to come here as a WAW. It is not a popular place to be! I also know that many men have lots of questions for a WAW b/c the LBH is trying to understand his own W. However, I'm not so sure she wants to answer all of your questions. That is not why she came here. She is the one who is desparate right now.

MTNspirit, I am not trying to attack you by responding to just your post......I am simply wanting any and all who read this thread to please give this WAW (who now has become the LBW)....a chance. You didn't get ugly, but in the past, I have seen others do it when a woman would attempt to post on the board. Some very bitter LBS would try to butcher the WAW to pieces. Needless to say, the WAW would leave and nobody knows what may have happen after that. So, I hope everyone will pull together to help.

[MTNspirit]

Fair enough.

After re-reading my post I realize that the tone was not as great as it might have been, and I don't want to take away from an act of courage to reach out and to seek support from others. The fact that my premise was "This may sound harsh, but..." should have told me to make it so it wasn't harsh!

I do think it may be important to really take some time and reflect on the things that allowed for an A to happen in the first place, for not only a WAS, but for all of the LBS as well. This isn't about finding fault or blame, but about understanding what was going on that allowed the M to be less than A-proof. For me there has been nothing more frustrating than the "I don't knows," or "just happened" answers when I've tried to understand what was going on that led to lack of satisfaction within the M, lack of respect, breakdown of communication; it doesn't help with forward progress.

If each of us-- regardless of which side of the coin we are or have been on-- works to get beyond the notion that things just happen, we might find ourselves in a place of not only better understanding of our stories, but a better sense of empowerment and control. It is my belief that if you're down the wrong trail and feeling lost, one of the best ways to find your way to the right trail is to figure out where you took a wrong turn.

In summary, I want to apologize if I came across as disrespectful to anyone's journey. I also want to honor Distracted for coming here and for trying to heal the M. My suggestion is to make a habit of doing daily positive affirmations/prayers, "acting as if," they will come true, to manifest those things in your life. I also would reflect on what led to the turns down the wrong trails before, so when those manifestations occur, things are in place to support right turns going forward! Good luck and keep the faith!

MTN

[sandi2]

Don't want it to look that I'm taking over her thread, but I knew there must have been "trigger" words for you in her post. You are a Newcomer, so it is easy to react to some particular post. But I appreciate the fact that you brought up this:

I do think it may be important to really take some time and reflect on the things that allowed for an A to happen in the first place, for not only a WAS, but for all of the LBS as well. This isn't about finding fault or blame, but about understanding what was going on that allowed the M to be less than A-proof.

I don't know about other WAW's, but for me.....my problem is reading things LBH's say that make them sound like they were almost angelic.....or a few will say that they were "less than perfect"...or...."made a few mistakes". Most of the H's (not all) slide over what those mistakes were or make it sound as if it didn't amount to any great degree. He fails to mention how many years W tried to talk to him. He keeps the spotlight on "her" sins. I've read posts on this board where some men have called WAW's about every name they could and not be censored. I don't see that kind of post from LBW's. LBW's are hurt and they talk with a different "sound" in their posts. Some of the LBH's sound like they want to lump all WAW's together in the same pot, then tar & feather them and tie them to a horse and run them out of town. Then there are some who aren't as aggressive. They just think we need to branded with a huge "A" on our forehead! So, anyway, thanks for coming back to say what you did.

I want to get back on the subject of how to give suggestions to this friend of ours who was on this board before....and did a jam-up good job in helping many LBH's know what to do with their WAW's. Now it is her turn to be helped.

Those of you men who want your WAW to return home....what would she need to do in in the "after the affair problems"?

[Gardener]

D1978,
Just caught up on your thread. You are a brave, and sincererly good woman to be here, to be back here and to be so honest.

Like undrdg, I wish my wife would want so much to come back and rebuild like you.

My sitch doesn't involve an affair (though I've had my paranoid, unfounded suspicions over the months) so I don't know what advice to give you. But I did wonder about this:

Here are his exact words:

There's nothing that can be said or done that's going to change how I
feel or what my perspectives are.

If you got the chance what if you asked and he said the same thing again and you replied "I understand and I certainly appreciate your feelings on this. But if - if - there was something that could be said, what would it sound like if there were such words? What would they have to say, what tone would they have to strike for you to even listen to them? Hear them?

If there were something that I could do to change your perspective, what would it possibly look like? What would it need to contain - to consist of - to touch you, to reach you, truly reach you? Please dig deep. Humor me, just pretend with me here."

I know I'm rambling and I'm not suggesting pleading or begging, or playing games, just trying to keep him engaged, get him to think, put him in the driver's seat so to speak, and get him to feel the depth of your sincerity.

Because I'll bet that

> There's nothing that can be said or done that's going to change how I
> feel or what my perspectives are.

isn't true. Deep down.

My (long) $.02.

[sandi2]

How are you doing D1978?

[Distracted1978]

i'm sorry for not replying to all this. I guess I didn't know how to react. I want to answer everyone's questions, but honestly my only concern lies with my husband. I will catch up all the replies and reply asap.

[Ready2Change]

Hi sweetie,

We are here to help when you need it. Take care of YOU and your kids. Let us know how we can help....

HUGS

[Distracted1978]

First off, it's not that I don't know what happened. I have a number of things I can pin it on, but I'm not about that. The fact is that it did & I'm ashamed of myself & I let not only my family down & broke us apart, but I let myself down too. I made promises to myself like everyone does and I broke those promises.

I didn't see how my husband showed me love or affection b/c it wasn't my view of it. I was selfish and hateful and felt alone and out of touch. I became consumned in myself and built a false reality around it making my husband the ultimate evil in my own mind. I was dealing with PPD and was already an exhausted mother of 3, a step-mom of 1, a newborn, & a career.

I pleaded for help in every way I knew how then I started to shut down.

There's the cold hard truth of it. All be it an excuse or whatever you want to call it, it was my reality. I live 3 states away from ALL of my family and was being absorbed by loneliness. I did reach out to my husband, but I wasn't loud enough or persistant enough or whatever I could have or should have been.

It all seems so ridiculous now! The blindness, the rage, the dishonesty. It was so easy to tear it all down.

Now the building it back up on the other hand.....there's a dilema within itself. My husband is hurt and untrusting of me & God knows I understand why. My kids are hurt. My daughters think of him as their father & still call him daddy, but he doesn't see them anymore b/c of all the fighting and backstabbing.... we never fought before. Never got out anything. Just kept it in, afraid to disturb the other.

But isn't that part of it? Part of being married, someone to turn to, someone to listen, someone to be there. We were too consumned in putting more issues on each other insteading of leaning on each other for support.

How I wish I knew then what I know now!!! The famous last words.....

Ok, I have my grip back now. Hope that covers everything.

[Gardener]

D1978,

Ok, I have my grip back now. Hope that covers everything.

That covers a lot. And may I say it was quite brave on your part.

You have to start with forgiving yourself. You are human. You were depressed. Felt completely alone. Hold yourself with your own arms, rock back and forth gently and tell yourself (in the third person) that you are forgiven, exactly what you are forgiven for and exactly why you are forgiven.

Then get the DR book, stay on these boards and get to work, woman!

[Distracted1978]

I have forgiven myself, but I'm not willing to forget. I know I will overtime but for now I need to remember that feeling. I guess I almost feel like it's the only connection to my husband I still have left. It's sily really.