Really wanting HELP!

[Distracted1978]

First off, it's not that I don't know what happened. I have a number of things I can pin it on, but I'm not about that. The fact is that it did & I'm ashamed of myself & I let not only my family down & broke us apart, but I let myself down too. I made promises to myself like everyone does and I broke those promises.

I didn't see how my husband showed me love or affection b/c it wasn't my view of it. I was selfish and hateful and felt alone and out of touch. I became consumned in myself and built a false reality around it making my husband the ultimate evil in my own mind. I was dealing with PPD and was already an exhausted mother of 3, a step-mom of 1, a newborn, & a career.

I pleaded for help in every way I knew how then I started to shut down.

There's the cold hard truth of it. All be it an excuse or whatever you want to call it, it was my reality. I live 3 states away from ALL of my family and was being absorbed by loneliness. I did reach out to my husband, but I wasn't loud enough or persistant enough or whatever I could have or should have been.

It all seems so ridiculous now! The blindness, the rage, the dishonesty. It was so easy to tear it all down.

Now the building it back up on the other hand.....there's a dilema within itself. My husband is hurt and untrusting of me & God knows I understand why. My kids are hurt. My daughters think of him as their father & still call him daddy, but he doesn't see them anymore b/c of all the fighting and backstabbing.... we never fought before. Never got out anything. Just kept it in, afraid to disturb the other.

But isn't that part of it? Part of being married, someone to turn to, someone to listen, someone to be there. We were too consumned in putting more issues on each other insteading of leaning on each other for support.

How I wish I knew then what I know now!!! The famous last words.....

Ok, I have my grip back now. Hope that covers everything.