Sorry for leaving everyone hanging after the last post by breakaway I took a break myself.
First Thimgs abuse:
I gave her a black eye while we were dating Puncher her in the ribs a seperate time Married Punched her on top of the head repeatidly 5-7 times dating pushed her on the floor, or pushed her physically 12-15 times.
probably more but the abusive mind creates a fog when anger fear worry and control form together.
There has been a couple of times where she hit me that I did not hit her but I sure did teach her what to do when you get angry.
Verbal: Said anything and everything Controlling you name it I did it. I was a very mean mean person I'm going to get you before you get me.
Last time I did anything physically to her was almost a year ago pushed her and shoved her down into a chair. I discovered one of her guy friends asked her to send him photos of herself in a bikini. Looking through her email. She came home complaining that I was lying aroud drunk while kids were outside plying in yard. I had 4 beers at lunch with a client and went home and went to sleep on our bed.
I don't know if she is in an affair and couldn't prove it without snooping and if I got caught she would slaughter me in court and I may never see my kids unsupervised for a long time. If she is having an affair I don't blame her. If there is a fire in the forrest the animals are going to run whereever thay think they can be safe.
I've not yelled at my kids but mabe a handful of times the last four months and have stopped spanking as a form of discipline.
I'm I an abuser yes. Can become compassionate and loving yes. I believe this journey is alot like AA for Alcoholics. I need to understand and accept this is who I am and I need to turn it all over to GOd. I've cut way back on drinking and take xanax for me to sleep and anti-depressents fro the sadness I feel.
I'm reaping what I've sown. Two years ago I kneeled down in church and told God I didn't want to be like this anymore and asked him to teach me how to Love. God does answer prayers. Becareful what you pray for.
Also i want to add that a looked at pornography from the time i was 15 until a few months ago. never really paid for it Just always found the free stuff. It led to objectify women and look at them as a means to an end for my pleasure. In the last four months I've only looked at pornography 1 time.
I'm a catholic and I've drawn strength from praying the rosary daily, Praying the divine mercy chaplet and attending a Holy hour at least 1 time a month and the stations of the cross. Thanks for everyones thoughts I really do appreciate them. Worry--->fear---->Anger---->Control.
My wife bought me a watch at the mall saturday. She has always told me how picky I am and how i critisize everything. She must have asked 5 times if I like the watch. I said I did and I'm wearing it right now.
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
