You will discover that your WAW will try to make everything about her, but that is why it is very important to control the reigns in your own life. Don't take what she says as the gospel and don't make life-long decisions based on what "she" wants. Remember that you have a say about how you want to live your life. But, here's the thing to remember......never argue with her about staying M b/c it will come across as pressure to her and make you look needy. It is soooo important for a W to respect her H--and that must come before the "in-love" feelings. She will not be attracted to you sexually if she does not feel respect and admiration. Even if you think that whatever it is you have to decide makes you appear to be the "bad guy".....do what you have to do to maintain respect in your house. She either respects you....or leaves, one of the other.
Her emotions will be like a rollercoaster and if you allow her...she will take you along for the ride. But, you can choose not to be on a rollercoaster and be your own man. It takes guts, but several men here on the board have done it and so can you. I won't promise that your M will be saved, but you will keep your dignity and self-esteem.
Having said that, I think one of the first things you need to do is to get control of your finances. If you do not have a separate checking account....get one. Get her name off your credit cards. Do whatever you need to do to protect your finances and the your future. You probably think I am going to extremes, but many men have waited too late and then discover their W had cleaned them out. Remember this always......she is not the woman you married! Never forget that for a second.
While you are seeing about your finances, you might talk to a lawyer just to see how things would fall if she did D you.
If your W throws a fit....and she will.....remain calm and simply remind her that she told you she wanted a D, so you were simply protecting yourself. Don't feel that you must reveal everything about your business matters "now" as you have in the past..... at least until you know for sure if she is going to remain your W or not. Whereas you felt duty bound to go home and tell her changes you had made before....some of the rules have been changed since she made her little announcement. Now listen very carefully b/c I do not want you to say that I told you to lie to your W....that is NOT what I am saying, okay? I'm saying that you protect yourself and don't be blind to things a WAW might stoop to do. You will not know this woman. She is a stranger and that is how you need to think about her.
Next, you need to think about "boundaries". Know beforehand what you will tollerate and what you will not put up with. Know what your "deal breakers" are....before they happen. Just be thinking about it and how you will react and what you will say "before" it hits you between the eyes.
Do not try to understand your W's emotions or "read" into what she says & does.....b/c you can't. You will want to see some small move she makes as being a step in the right direction, but the next day she will pull the rug out from under you, so don't set yourself up for disappointment. No expectations!
People want what they can't have....especially in these type of situations. If you were the kind of man that any woman would be a fool to leave.....what would you be like? Work hard to become that man! Set yourself goals. Never discuss this with your W. Never ask if she has noticed your changes. Look sexy, act sexy, and smell sexy.
Never, ever pursue your W b/c each and every time you do, you will push her away. Nothing turns a WAW off more than her H pursuing her. But, if you pull back, she will move closer in. A little thing called human nature.
Everything you feel is the opposite of what you "should" be doing....is what you probably need to do.....such as detaching. Remember, do not be cold or rude.....that is not what detaching is about. Detaching is all in the "attitude" and feeling self-respect. You'll know (and so will we) when you are truly detaching. It takes some longer than others, but the sooner you get there, the better you'll feel.
Personality is important. Don't make a fool out of yourself and "over-kill" trying to be the life of the party....but try to act as if you have had an awakening and have decided to get the most out of life.....and you are loving it! Play with your kids and see how much you can make them laugh! Not only does it help your R with your kids, but most women love to see a man make their childen laugh.
I'll check back with you. You have started out good, so keep up the good work. Don't get upset if you backslide b/c everyone does at some point. Stay focused, and remind yourself that it is not all about "her".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
