Counseling conundrums

[SpyBunny]

I'm calmer now. I'm not letting him do this to me again. I don't know why I keep going back for more of his crap. I don't want to be seen as a whiner. I have one he!! of a headache right now. He's not gonna be the kind of husband that I need, and I guess I can't be the kind of wife that he needs. We're going around in circles when we talk- same crap on a different day. I just have to face it that it's over-

It's over.

It's over.

It's over.

It's over.

Blechhh- my head hurts...

At this point, do I make it an in-house separation until after Christmas? I asked this previously, but at the time I thought we still had a 1% chance of working it out, is the answer still the same? Get out now?

[TrentC]

I'm calmer now. I'm not letting him do this to me again. I don't know why I keep going back for more of his crap. I don't want to be seen as a whiner. I have one he!! of a headache right now. He's not gonna be the kind of husband that I need, and I guess I can't be the kind of wife that he needs. We're going around in circles when we talk- same crap on a different day. I just have to face it that it's over-

[...]

Blechhh- my head hurts...

At this point, do I make it an in-house separation until after Christmas? I asked this previously, but at the time I thought we still had a 1% chance of working it out, is the answer still the same? Get out now?

Get out now.

He has been emotionally abusive to you, and you should not stand for it one second longer than you have to. Seriously.

I would not take the chance that he will not turn physically abusive once you've made it clear that you will not be his slave/f*ckbuddy/bartered goods.

[Gardener]

Bunny,
I think you'll all have a better Christmas if you get out before Christmas. Talk to your IC or MC as to exactly why you do keep going back for more of this crap.

1% chance is 0%. And you should want 0% of ever being treated like this again. There are decent men out there who would cherish you. End this lousy marriage, live your life and see who shows up. You'd be surprised.

Oh, and I missed this before:

his biggest gripe is my lack of confidence. He says he can't deal with it anymore and is tired of trying to help me with it.

Can't deal with it?! He banks on it! He causes it because it serves him to keep you off balance and subservient!

What a pr!*k...

Breathe, Bunny. Just breeeathe. Stay calm. Bunny good. Bunny so very good. H bad. Very, very, Bad.

[TrentC]

Gardener beat me to it, but I was going to say that you absolutely must look into counseling for abuse.

You have a lot or work to purge the negative feelings and impressions that your husband put into your head -- seriously, what loving, caring spouse says "you're no good as a wife unless you let me sleep with other women"? -- before you try to enter another relationship.

[SpyBunny]

I'm breathing and calm.

I have an IC and she is helping me get through this. I'm between appointments at the moment. After the separation when things have calmed down, she wants to do some kind of post-traumatic therapy with me. I still haven't processed the crap from he!! night and some other stuff, and I need to make sure I don't let anyone use me again. Meanwhile, MC appt is on Thursday- this should be a doozy.

Thank you for caring, guys.

[Gardener]

Good. Sounds like a good IC.
And you sound better.
You will be better. Your life will be better. You will find the happiness that awaits you.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Bunny))))))

Wow. What a day to be stuck in the lab! But, it seems that the others are telling you everything I would, anyway!

I would add, drop your "friend" like a hot potato, too. He's another connection to that "lifestyle", it's not good for you.

I agree with the getting out sooner than later, I think I said that before, as well. There's never a good time, but there is a necessary time. And I think you've hit it.

I think our observations that you are confident will really start to show as you get out from under his thumb. The sooner the better, in my opinion.

[Dia]

Hi, Bunny,

My personal opinion is that you should get out now and proceed with D.

Think back before you met H and before the pressure to swing started. Were you happy and confident then?

My guess is that the big hit to your confidence and self-esteem is *because of* your H and the swinging. And him continuing to beat up on you verbally is just MORE assaultive behaviour on your self-image.

I absolutely do not think less of you for anything you've been through, or anything you've struggled with. Leaving this kind of R is hard. I know. I've been there.

Please leave as soon as you can.

Yours in Sisterhood,

Dia

[SpyBunny]

Tomorrow is our MC session and I'm getting so incredibly nervous. I sent H a text earlier this afternoon to confirm that he's attending, but I haven't heard back yet. I guess it doesn't matter, I'm going anyways.

I don't understand what he sees lacking in me, but I understand his current position. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but he doesn't want to stay in this relationship either as it is now. That is the same position that I have. He thinks that neither one of us can change enough to make the other happy. Whatever, fine. He hasn't seen any changes that I've accomplished this year by going to the IC. I don't think he's looking in the right places.

So, one of us has to have the courage to move on and change the dynamic in this relationship, and it looks like that will be me. He doesn't want to be the one to call quits, I guess- he has just as hard a time with it that I do. Neither one of us wants to be the "bad guy" and leave. But I should be able to sign a lease on an apartment this weekend, and be moved out by the middle of November. We need to discuss custody arrangements for D17 and support issues too.

I'm trying hard to keep from crying, I really thought we had a shot at fixing this. Just like a lot of other people here, I just don't understand why he's not happy with me, and I don't think I'm ever going to. The last couple nights he acted normal, like we hadn't talked about splitting on Sunday. He's not sleeping well but it's hard to tell if that's his normal bad sleep habits or being stressed and hurt, probably some of both. I just want to get tomorrow over with.

Today's rambling is concluded...

[TrentC]

I'm trying hard to keep from crying, I really thought we had a shot at fixing this. Just like a lot of other people here, I just don't understand why he's not happy with me, and I don't think I'm ever going to.

He's not happy with you because you have your own wants and feelings.

You don't want to share him with anyone else, and you don't want to be shared. Those are perfectly normal, healthy feelings.

Sadly, he'll probably find someone else who is willing to put up with his emotional abuse; there are always women who are attracted to men who make them feel unworthy of love or respect.

As for you? Take care of yourself. You have a long way to go before you'll be able to find someone who will love you and treat you as you deserve to be treated, but keep in mind that we'll always be here to listen to you.