Counseling conundrums

[Gardener]

his biggest gripe is my lack of confidence. He says he can't deal with it anymore and is tired of trying to help me with it. Problem is that he's the only one who sees a problem. I can't make his comments and observations mesh with my perceptions.

Wha'?? WTF? Head games! Totally non-sensical to keep you off balance and maintain your low confidence.w

And I can't understand why he was willing to share me to begin with.

Perhaps more importantly, why were you willing to be "shared"?

Since he got his fair share of playtime with others, maybe it was just "sanctioned cheating" in his mind all along.

I understand what you're trying to say, here, but I don't think that's what he was doing in his mind re: swinging. Sounds like he would've, could've and probably did get plenty on the side on his own without that "Sanction"

Spy Bunny, I apologize for being blunter than I have ever been to anyone on this board:

He is a loser.
Lose him.

[SpyBunny]

Perhaps more importantly, why were you willing to be "shared"?

First, he wore me down with two or three years of asking and me refusing. Then he dropped his own bomb on me (Get out, leave me and the kids, and don't take anything with you). I was a huge mess emotionally and scared to death- stay at home mom with no income and not a lot of job skills, and at that point I guess I figured I didn't have anything left to lose (I didn't realize my self-respect would be a casualty).

[TrentC]

He keeps saying that swinging is a minor issue,

He is wrong, or at the very least lying to you. An open marriage is very different, and I have yet to see one that lasts.

his biggest gripe is my lack of confidence. He says he can't deal with it anymore and is tired of trying to help me with it.

Sorry, but that is bullshit. He's trying to force his viewpoint on you and make it your problem. Don't put up with it.

Problem is that he's the only one who sees a problem.

That's because it is his issue, not yours.

And I can't understand why he was willing to share me to begin with. Since he got his fair share of playtime with others, maybe it was just "sanctioned cheating" in his mind all along.

That's exactly what it is. Like I said, I've known several people in "open marriages" -- I was even the other guy once or twice, well before I got married! -- and almost all of them break up at some point when one spouse finds a better partner than the one they (supposedly) committed to.

He can't make you accept the swinging lifestyle, and he doesn't want to give it up. If you really want to be with him, your best bet at this point would probably be to offer him the divorce he wants, and see if he changes his mind about the swinging lifestyle once he understands that You. Are. Leaving.

But I wouldn't hold my breath, and there are plenty of men out there who want to be faithful to one woman to put up with his BS.

[Gardener]

Bunny,

Perhaps more importantly, why were you willing to be "shared"?

First, he wore me down with two or three years of asking and me refusing. Then he dropped his own bomb on me (Get out, leave me and the kids, and don't take anything with you). I was a huge mess emotionally and scared to death- stay at home mom with no income and not a lot of job skills, and at that point I guess I figured I didn't have anything left to lose (I didn't realize my self-respect would be a casualty).

You poor dear. I'm so sorry. Get out. Leave. Call County Services, Women's Advocacy Groups, Shelters.

Call an abuse hotline and ask them what to do, how to do it, when to do it, and what will they do for you. My stepdaughter does this for a living. There are more resources out there than you can imagine. They are swift, thorough and will protect you. Get you on the road to employable skills, placement services, everything.

Why didn't your pastor suggest this?! Hell. why didn't your pastor take you in?

Do it. Please. Start. Look up one number and call it.

Then report back to us here.

[TrentC]

Perhaps more importantly, why were you willing to be "shared"?

First, he wore me down with two or three years of asking and me refusing. Then he dropped his own bomb on me (Get out, leave me and the kids, and don't take anything with you). I was a huge mess emotionally and scared to death- stay at home mom with no income and not a lot of job skills, and at that point I guess I figured I didn't have anything left to lose (I didn't realize my self-respect would be a casualty).

Translation: he emotionally abused you and destroyed your self-esteem in order to make you accept his selfish lifestyle.

Gardener and I are of the same mind -- you deserve a lot better than this guy.

[SpyBunny]

I can take care of myself now- I got my paralegal certificate to add to my BA and I have a good job now with it. The SAHM situation was a few years ago.

[TrentC]

I can take care of myself now- I got my paralegal certificate to add to my BA and I have a good job now with it. The SAHM situation was a few years ago.

That's good to hear.

Listen to Gardener; your situation is not unique and there are lots of resources to help abused spouses.

[Gardener]

I can take care of myself now- I got my paralegal certificate to add to my BA and I have a good job now with it. The SAHM situation was a few years ago.

Great! Then what is holding you back? Get thee to a Lawyer for a D!

Line up your ducks, woman. Set your goals, make your plans and GO!

[Dudess]

He doesn’t see me becoming the confident person that he wants me to be, . . . He kept going on about that he knows I’m still scared of new situations and new people . . . I feel like he still sees ME, my basic personality and spirit, as a let down- I'll never be good enough or confident enough.

He wants confidence? . . . well show him confidence.

Tell him that you have decided that you no longer want to be married to him. Show him that you are not afraid to lose him. Show him that you are confident that you will be perfectly fine without him. And, that if you choose, you are certain that you can find many men who would cherish you and never want to share you.

[TrentC]

He wants confidence? . . . well show him confidence.

Tell him that you have decided that you no longer want to be married to him. Show him that you are not afraid to lose him. Show him that you are confident that you will be perfectly fine without him. And, that if you choose, you are certain that you can find many men who would cherish you and never want to share you.

Hear, hear!