I have created a world that is so busy between the kids, volunteering, house work, coaching, and running a business that I don't really know where I am. In regards to my marriage, I love my wife very much but have gotten to the point were if she needs to leave to be happy....that I am good with her leaving. Not the angry "I hate you" type of get out...more the deeper "I understand you are not happy here" and acceptance of that which is what she wants. I have accepted that no matter how much I change or what I do....she needs to fix herself first.
I really think HER telling me that this situation is not my fault was very huge for me. It made up for all those horrible statements and self-doubts that had been built up. A lot of pain was erased!
So maybe were I am right now....is that I am happy taking care of my kids and the business. There are things that could improve, but I am happy. I have found personal fulfillment in new areas that I would never have thought to go, made new friends, developed harder challenges and goals, but most importantly....have really developed a good relationship with my children! I think a lot of parents...especially those working feel like they have great relationships with their children (I did). Then I started spending a lot more time with them and discovered what I was really missing....and now we have a great relationship.
Right now...I think a lot has changed in the last few months. For my wife...the anger and hate has disappeared. She is still in a hole, but she has also accepted that. She now is seeing a therapist, starting AD medication, and going to see friends who are really looking out for her best interest. I think she has finally accepted that I have to come to understand what is has been like to be her as a stay at home mother. The constant running around, nagging, boredom, and never ending doctor appointments and and after school activities.
Our communication seems to be getting deeper and more honest each time we have a relationship talk. We have always communicated rather well, but now it can be brutally honest without some one being hurt or sad. It used to be so forced and turn into heated arguments...but those days are gone.
I won't hide behind an illusion that my marriage may be savable...but I think the friendship is very much alive. It may end up that she never again loves me more that like a brother. However things end up...I feel our relationship is better than it has been in a long time. No longer do I feel like I need to please her and I am sure she feels like she no longer does everything by herself.
Honestly...I can now see how a relationship saved from this type of situation can be stronger and better than before. I do hope that maybe I will get the chance to share that with my wife, but no matter how things turn out I am better as a person.
Does that make sense? Or do I sound like a totally insane person living in an illusion...lol
