Thank you so very much for putting your guns in a safe place. I was so relieved when I read that. Your friend gave you good advice when you kept the phone line open while you nad the W talked last night. Sounds to me that she is willing to do about anything right now to make the sitch worse. Don't give her any reason to add fuel to the fire. You have to stay calm and cool no matter what.
Talk to a lawyer and get advice right away. You need to know options right now. W is willing to involve cops, not a good sign for your safety. Moving out might take off some of the pressure and tension, so try to find a safe place to be for a bit. Then see how things are.
Right now you have to see to your safety and sanity. See if the sitch cools off some before thinking that there may be a future. This is the time to take it minute by minute. Going dark is a good idea right now. Distance and no communication might be the best option even though it is hard.
If she questions why people can't love her she has to find that out herself, maybe the hard way.
Blackie, Your wife is seriously confused. On one hand, she is wanting to go on record that you are abusive and on the other she is reading and re-reading your letter of love to her. Does she want YOU or just to soothe her own ego?
I don't know what advice to give you...going dark sounds good until you have both calmed down, at least.
Here is one final thought that I had and please understand that I have no experience with infidelity..I am just throwing out ideas to you, since you seem a bit lost right now.
I think that you communicate to your wife a lot better in writing than you do in person. That is evident from her reading that letter over and over again. I know a couple who bought a blank journal and they write back and forth to each other in it. You could buy one and tell her that you will be putting your thoughts in there and she is free to read it and/or respond if she'd like. Until then you don't really want to TALK to her about the situation because it is too charged and is not going to be pleasant.
About the kids, I agree with Johanna (I think it was her) who wrote that you should tell them that you love them and will always be their dad, no matter what else happens. They are in desperate need of some reassurance and stability right now.
I haven't clue in the world what she wants. I think I have an idea. She's trying like heck to want to believe in our R and stay. But she can't right now. Some of that is me and my back slides. I can only hope she comes around but we'll see. She SAID she wouldn't listen to those who say I'm abusive and such. That's hooey. I'm glad she at least spoke up for me in this regard. Those people only know what she tells them and that's it.
I haven't heard from her today. I'm a little surprised but that's life. I went to lunch with a couple ladies here and bumped into a mutual friend. My W will be getting a report soon. I think I will put my ring back on. I feel naked without it and some of these chicks are starting to move on me. I don't want that and I'm not ready for it either.
On a good note, our email server was down most the day. When it came up, there was an email sitting there from last night. It seems "the girl" creeped on to my pc at home and sent a message. It was one of those animated greeting. All it said was to "big boy" (she calls me that our my first name and dad to her buds). I LOVE YOU and her name. It brought tears to my eyes immediately. I had to print it an put in my cubicle. I was told don't listen to mommy. Don't believe anything they say......
That made my day and I tearing up as I type. I will stay up and see what the W will do tonight. Last night when we were talking, we were sitting close, almost holding but neither of us made a move to hold the other. I don't know if I should have.
I'll have to study on the dark move. I was thinking of going to a hotel for a few days this weekend and next. It's close by work and home and I can walk around with my underwear on.
W called me at work and wanted to know when I would be home. She said she wanted to talk and was upbeat and such. I didn't let that get me hopeful and I'm glad I didn't. She let me know that she had her attorney file for divorce today rather than 2 months from now. Right now, I don't know what I plan on doing. I think I'm going to think about nothing but my web sites and going to see The Matrix. My PMA took a few hits over the past couple days. It will take a little bit to shore it up. The support from you guys here as well as folks in IRL means a lot to me. Most likely, I will continue to DB. I'm not sure if LRT will completly work here. She said she read my letter many times today. I know this is hard on her. I feel an outside influence on her. In fact more than one. I pray that they be held at bay. There have been success from people further along than me with worse sitch than mine. I remain hopeful.
I guess I was lulled into a little sense of well being by last weeks activities. I think she wants to bail before she does something dumb like letting herself open up and love me again. I've been asked by the kids how long would I wait before I decide not to take her back. I just replied I don't know.
Her family now thinks I'm crazy. They don't see my side in this as far as I can tell. Although 3 out of 5 of her sibilings as well as her folks divorced due to cheating. In fact, her mom found her bio dad in the car with a woman except they weren't talking. I shouldn't care what people I only see a few times a year think of me but I do. I don't enjoy being painted with the brush I've had applied to me.
Blackie, yes by all means continue DB'ing. Your wife sounds like one very confused individual. Please do not think about what others are thinking of you--the truth will eventually come to light, regardless of what happens. Her behavior is not painting HER in the best light and people will eventually see that. I am not surprised that she is pursuing the divorce right away; I'm sure the guilt is overwhelming right now. Just keep doing what you were doing..I think it made a huge impact on her. I hope that you get the results that you are after.
We are all here for you and wishing the best for you! Take each day one at a time and pray for guidance.
Yes Blackie you should definately continue to DB. All this is a big trauma and very emotional. Don't take too much notice of anything your W says or does right now. Who would act well under such circumstances, even if they are mainly of her own making. Concentrate on yourself. Give both of you some time to make sensible decisions and talk calmly. If she asks you, be honest about how you feel, but don't push it on her. People do continue to DB after a divorce so don't give up hope at all. Have you read the advice on the link I posted to Cloudnine recently? I found this very insightful. Look after yourself. Why not make some goals? I did this earlier it was kind of helpful.
Thanks gang. After I stop hating her. I may continue to DB. I shouldn't care what people think but the crap she is implying destroys my rep. I don't need that. To make things worse, I understand her cop friend has told her she doesn't think the girl should be in the house along with me this weekend. The boy goes to his dad's every other weekend. With W at work, it's us. I was planning to take her with me to get a manicure and just do a couple things. Maybe go to the movies with me.
I'm informed that she will spend all of Saturday with the cop at the movie house he works security at. Strange enough, it will be the same place I'm going to see The Matrix. She is soooo confused by this.
At least I know the lie she told me about the kids being mad was just that. The sent me a couple nice emails that made me cry again today. It was a picture calling me #1 dad and how she loved me. Enough to make a big dude tear up.
At this point, I don't know if I want her back. It's too much trouble. Right now, I think I should just let her crash and burn. I don't think the cop will come over and take up the slack when this happens, I don't think the cart boy she was with will help out when she has her breast issue taken care of. He only cares about playing with him.
Will any of them including her family get up at 2 in the morning to help her when she has a panic attack and is balled up in a corner. NO!!! She should know the only person she can really count on to go through hell and back is the kid. I hate her right now.
She was telling me a friend of her said I was basically crap. The kids were telling me the friend was telling her to think twice on this.
People here are saying things will work out and we will stay together. I've heard that all day. What do they know????
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GO DARK FOR AWHILE. Tell the kids where they can reach you if they need you, but doggone it, guy, get away and give yourself a breather. You need to get away from her drama so you can breathe deeply and get your head cleared.
Leave for at least a week, not just the weekend. I hope you can arrange this.
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GO DARK FOR AWHILE. Tell the kids where they can reach you if they need you, but doggone it, guy, get away and give yourself a breather. You need to get away from her drama so you can breathe deeply and get your head cleared.
Leave for at least a week, not just the weekend. I hope you can arrange this.
Corri
I'll have to try and work out the logistics of such a split. It would be hard I think. I have a cousin on the other end of town who said I could crash with him. But there are other factors. I will have to study on it.
I feel a bit better than earlier. I went to lunch with a couple of the ladies in the office. This will make the 3rd or 4th lunch I've gone with them. Prior to this incident, I have had to limit my female contact for fear of being accused of cheating. It was refreshing and it was good to hear that these women think what she did/is doing was foul.
The girl decided to tell me more stuff, she said her mom told her that I want her to give me a large sum of money and wanted to know why. I'm told not to discuss this stuff with them but she has free reign. It's now clear to me she is trying to justify her nonsense to everyone with lies, lies by ommsion and distorting facts. Yes I told her I would like to have a chunk of cash if I have to leave the house I provided. I paid in the over $13,000 down on this house while she only laid down $1000. She claims she furnished the house so that should balance things out. Furniture is useless without a place to put it.
She also told the kids she wasn't cheating while sitting in the car in the dark parking lot with a guy who didn't put a ring on her finger. Well maybe I happened upon things before they got started. Another thought that occured to me was they could have been smoking dope. That would explain the missing money and the bizzare behavior. To add to her crazy behavior, she told me that she wants me to take her cat of 12 years with me or she would take her to a shelter. Over the past year, she has always said the cat likes me more than her because she sleeps on my chest. She hated that. Now she says the "cat hate her." A couple months ago, the kids "love you more than me, you're turning my kids against me." Extreme paranoia I would say. Of course me having an affair with my bosses daughter and getting fired for it is the talk of her world and friends. She's heard me mention the bosses daughter's because the come to the office a lot and were nice kids. I guess I said there names too many times. Problem is, they are aged 9,11 and 16. Not affair material. I like telling people that angle of it.
At any rate, I ramble again. Just venting. I'm still having problems with the outsider(the portly cop) saying the girl shouldn't be home with me by herself. ASSuming he said that and not her. At this point, everything out of her mouth is a lie. People have questioned why she would want a copy of my letter to keep. I emailed a copy to her job. She was able to quote from it to support her nonsense. It was my hope that she read that letter a couple time and maybe.... Well, I know a letter is a violation. If things weren't so funky on Monday, I probably wouldn't have let her see it.
I think that letter may have her so messed up right now. I keep looking in the local paper for my name in the divorce column. I guess I'll cut it out and put it with our wedding announcement.
'nuff rambling. I'm going to the comic book store. I haven't been there for a while. It will be good to go hang with the geeks for a second. But all things considered, maybe I better not get my normal Punisher comics. That may feed into the crazy Blackrook scenario.
Let me set the stage. W wants to get her hair done this weekend and has to work, D has Saturday school. She just asked me if I could get up to take D to Saturday school. I told her I was going to work some ot this weekend. I need to pay a retainer.
She then got an attitude saying that she wants to get her hair done and she has to work and I should be able to pitch in. I bit my bottom lip but I wanted to say if I can't be trusted to have her in the house by myself this weekend, assuming someone other than her said that, how and why should I be expected to run her around. Get that cop friend of hers or the cart boy she was in the car with to help out. I'm sure he's willing to do something other than to jump her bones.
My question, would it be childish for me not to help out or should I let her get used to not having me to do things she has taken for granted??
