I think I finally got it! I realized what it is to really detach. To detach for real without even trying.
When H came home friday after work, he came in carrying the mail. He ripped open one letter, and I saw him instantly get upset. He was sitting in the den at the desk, and I wondered if it was a letter from the courts telling him that he filed improper paperwork. * He filed a response to my response from nine months ago, and a request for a hearing. He then went to my attorney to give her a copy. ( He doesn't have an attorney) My attorney then called me to let me know what he was up to, and that she didn't know what the courts would do with it. So, I walked by him to use the shredder, and sure enough that was it. He immediately got on his computer, I guess trying to straighten it out. I tried to make polite conversation, and he wouldn't even acknowledge me. He then started doing his laundry. While that was going, he packed up some clothes, and his computer, and put them in his suv. Then he came and sat with me in the livingroom and started watching TV. He received several texts, most likely from ow, and proceeded to answer them in front of me. I finally had enough, slammed the lid of my laptop down, and said " If you need to be somewhere, I'll finish your clothes for you!" ( just to get him out of here) he said " I can do my own clothes!" I got up, went into the kitchen, and he was two steps behind me. The texting stopped, and he finished his clothes. As he was leaving, he walked by me without saying a thing. I called out to him that I would keep him in my prayers. He mumbled something and walked out the door.
When he came in this evening, he went right in his room and closed the door. Probably still working to correct his D paperwork. I asked him if he wanted some dinner, and he said NO! in a sarcastic tone. He came out about an hour later, went in the den, and got on his computer. Still not talking to me.
He has got some nerve being hateful towards me. He acts like I've done all this to him. He can have his D, but I'm not about to make it easy for him. I am in the "you play, you pay" mindframe.
I shut the TV and all the lights off, and left him sitting in the den. I am here in my bedroom with the door closed. Something I don't usually do. I just can't stand the sight of him right now.
"In your anger, do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry."
-Ephesians 4:26
"Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret -- it leads only to evil."
-Psalm 37:8
Have strength, Serenity.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I have been going to my bedroom and closing the door behind me for the last couple of nights.
I am not angry, I just continue to have this fed up feeling about him. A " how can you continue to be with a skank, when you already have someone so much better" feeling. Why does he want hamburger when he has steak at home.
I need to find a happy medium between giving him my unconditional love, and staying away from him because he is frustrating me sooo much.
He is not home again tonight. I just want to knock some sense into him when he walks in the door. When he walks in the door, he usually asks "How are you?" I just want to say " How do you think I am, you've just been with ow." He walks in like he has not been doing anything wrong.
I haven't been posting much lately, but I have been doing a lot of reading.
Sometimes I feel I get to whining too much, and just have to step away for awhile.
H and I had dinner and watched a movie together here at home on friday night. Then BAM! While I was in the shower saturday morning, he packed a bag and left here on the Harley. I haven't seen him since. It's just like they say, when they come close, brace yourself for the distancing. " Uh Oh, I was looking normal, I'm out of here!" * He might be in jeopardy of getting suspended for straying from the script! Oh man! What would the others think!
If you get some time, read the posts from rollercoasterrider. She has amazing insight and advice. She also has her own website now.
Prayers for both of us.
