Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

Hey NCB,

Thanks for droppin gin. Yeah, As I going though and getting caught up on posts of more 'active' situations of tha matter, I was reminded, that they are only nice when they want something. Smacked myself in the fore head as I realized, "dang nab it, I almost fell right into this crappot all over again".

You know, I hope it's just they eloped or something, that would be a HUGE relief factor and final proof to say to myself to stop looking over my shoulder for her.

I just don't know, until that or something else, there are jsut still far too many un-answered qustions. Far too much left un-done.

Sure, I got the "you did this to me", or "you did that, so that's why it's your fault" mumbo-jumbo we all get. But then I got the voluntary rebuttles. I got the voluntary admission of her own faults.

It's the things I didn't get. I didn't get the "I hate you's", I didn't get the "I don't love you anymore". She can't say it. She can't hide that supressed version of herself whom was the person I put on the highest pedastil possible. And that person won't lie to me like that. So there's still something in there.

I know when she's lying. I know when she's the person she's become. The two versions of her are entirely different. Last night, she was near close to being the same version of herself that when 11 months ago was so uncertain, so confused and hurt, that just the simple touch of my fingertips on her arm and me telling her to do what she knows is right, her response was to do an about face turn to me and cling me in this death grip like hug for 5 nimutes non-stop, crying, and still tot his day, can not offer an explination as to why.

Believe me NCB, I will do my best to have my b/s dectector primed, tuned and ready. And I will do my best to not fall into anything loosly put by her.

Bottom line, I just simply don't have much left to lose. So, if I give her the benefit of the doubt on anything, it will only be for gain. And I will also do my best to post it here first before I give any diffinative response to anything she says.

The looks from OM. Heh, well, I'm not sure what to say there still. XW has proclaimed in the past that she has told him of her continued feelings for me and that ahs also been a reason for not running off and marrying him, and if true, putting it off indefinately.

Plus, like I said before, not to boost my ego, but I'm not such a bad catch in the looks department, I have forged a much stronger bond despite the curent odds with my kids and became a better, more focused father. I am also now voicing myself A LOT more than ever. That's got to be clanging around in that head of hers somewhere. To say ANYTHING of the constant reminders she has daily of the life she faces to live with this character. It surely is nowhere remotley close to anything she had with when we were together, and thus, where is the fairytale afterall?