Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

(((Gardener))) - Thank you for that passage - Just what I needed this morning.

Anyone explain this - How come when all is going well in fantasyland, I am the antichrist, however if something isn't going "right" I am the first one he comes to? He texted me this morning to let me know he paid a portion of the cell bill (clapping whoopdefriggendo)and also to tell me his phone is broke. He sounds just like my 14 year old son - I just want to respond to him and say "What the hell do you want me to do about it?" "Have the homewrecker buy you a new one".

Have I become his parent and missed it somehow?

I woke up today fed up as I told another poster on here...
Tired and angry...
There isn't enough of me to go around...
Everyone wants something from me and I feel torn in a million directions - The very last thing I need is to stroke his fricken ego.
The "darker" I try to go the more he tries to pull me in.

[Gardener]

((((Serenity)))),

He texted me this morning to let me know he paid a portion of the cell bill (clapping whoopdefriggendo)and also to tell me his phone is broke.

Ignore his texts

He sounds just like my 14 year old son

Yep

- I just want to respond to him and say "What the hell do you want me to do about it?" "Have the homewrecker buy you a new one".

I don't blame you, but don't. Practice these.Write them down. Keep them handy for reciting:
Is that so?
Uh-huh.
That's too bad.
Wow.
I see.
Well, good luck with that
Listen I gotta go finish something I'm in the middle of. Bye

Have I become his parent and missed it somehow?

His mommy? Yes. Have you missed it somehow? No and I don't think you believe you missed it. You've allowed it. Probably for a long time.

C'mon, Serenity, go back to basics. Write these down and keep them at the ready:

I will not return any texts for x hours. Consistently.
I will not respond to some of them at all.
I will not allow myself to be drawn in
I will not validate, empathize or sympathize until he shows some improvement in the maturity department.
I will acknowledge only. (see above)

Everyone wants something from me

Add this to the list above: "No"

You are strong. You are stronger than him. 'the more he tries to pull me in", the more you must not let him succeed. They're ultimately all "mini-battles" albeit there are a lot of them

You can win each one. One at a time. And it will be simple (not easy) and you will get a little better and a little stronger and a little more self-confident with each little victory.

You can do it.

Serenity, I'll bet that among other things that you pray for, you pray for strength. Your prayers are being answered: you are stronger. You've been given strength. Don't just be grateful for it; Use it!

[Serenity13]

Gardener - Feeling the 2x4's my friend....Thank you for ending the pity party rather quickly

No huh - Such a simple word yet hardly ever uttered from my lips...I am a people pleaser and saying no makes people mad so I try not to do it however I am being stretched way to thin...

I guess no matter how hard I try, I will never understand his way of thinking right now. He acts like a child who isn't given his way. I feel like I have 3 children at the moment - 2 being teenagers.

My strength I questioned up until yesterday when I spoke to one of my ministers at Church - She told me it was there, just by the fact that I still get up and move forward everyday - Our problem is we want it done "now" and don't want to wait on God's time. All it takes is the faith of a mustard seed, she said.

I have been going back over the sermon yesterday and I know she is correct in what she said. I want it fixed now and am being very impatient with God.

I am tired of people questioning why I am still waiting for my H to pull his head out of his butt. I am tired of people using what he has done as an excuse. I am tired of hearing that I am an idiot or a fool or a doormat etc.. for wanting my marriage to still work out even though he is doing whatever it is he does.

It is fine if no one agrees with my decision - However it is my decision and once made, it should be respected and not thrown back in my face on a day to day basis. When it is done like this, I then question myself, my faith and my God.

I think I need to pray for more strength and more patience.

[tristan]

I think I need to pray for more strength and more patience.

You can never have too much of either; but you exemplify plenty of both.

[TrentC]

I am tired of people questioning why I am still waiting for my H to pull his head out of his butt. I am tired of people using what he has done as an excuse. I am tired of hearing that I am an idiot or a fool or a doormat etc.. for wanting my marriage to still work out even though he is doing whatever it is he does.

This is a good reason to not involve friends or family members more than necessary; I learned this the hard way -- I don't discuss my martial problems with my parents any more, after my dad sent me an email that basically said "if she doesn't want to be there, kick her out and move back home with us."

No matter how "even-minded" you may try to be when discussing your spouse, they will remember all of the bad parts if you do manage to reconcile; this will be esp. hard if there is an EA or PA in the mix.

You should leave the really painful discussion to your counselor, your minister, and people like us.

[Serenity13]

(((Tristan)))

Thank you for your kind words my friend


(((Trent)))

I agree with you 100% however I am learning the hard way as well. Because I tried to expose the affair in the beginning thinking it would end quicker that way, more then a few people know what is going on and not a day goes by that I don't hear it from someone. Now I no longer discuss it with anyone but you all and my Pastor however it is still thrown out there at almost any chance.

As I said to my Mother this morning - Any discussion about H/our marriage/our sitch is off the table and I refuse to talk about it in any way...To which she replied, I have a bad attitude...I definately need to find a new place to live lol

[TrentC]

Like I said, I learned it the hard way too. I think my dad will come around if my wife and I reconcile, as he doesn't have much room to talk; he divorced my mom to be with another woman, and they ended up getting remarried after his dream woman proved to be less than ideal...

It sounds like you need to set some boundaries with friends and family. This is almost word-for-word what I told my father:

"I appreciate that you are looking out for me and my well-being, but you have to understand that this is my spouse and my marriage we are talking about, and I will deal with it as I choose. If you can't be supportive of my choice, then I see no reason we should discuss it any further."

[Gardener]

"I appreciate that you are looking out for me and my well-being, but you have to understand that this is my spouse and my marriage we are talking about, and I will deal with it as I choose. If you can't be supportive of my choice, then I see no reason we should discuss it any further."

Excellent!

[Serenity13]

Trent -

I like the wording you have used - Sounds kinder then my flat out refusal so I will take those words, make them mine and tell them that way.

I do wish I could go back in time and not tell most of the people I have told however I can't so I will have to just move forward and repair the damage as best as I can.

The only thing they have followed that I have asked is not to contact my H - It has become an unspoken rule that has only been broken once (after a death in the family).

I know if we reconcile, H would be accepted back with no questions asked (from them).

[TrentC]

I like the wording you have used - Sounds kinder then my flat out refusal so I will take those words, make them mine and tell them that way.

Thanks!

I do wish I could go back in time and not tell most of the people I have told however I can't so I will have to just move forward and repair the damage as best as I can.

I feel the same way but if we could change the past we wouldn't be in these situations, right?

We live and learn. We can't be perfect, no matter how much we want to be (and our spouses try to make it).