I screwed up. The guy that I got attached to while in the lifestyle started contacting me again about a month ago, and I didn’t tell him to go away. I know I should have but didn’t. I haven’t seen him since last December, but he has been sending me an occasional TM or IM lately, and I responded. I failed and I’m ashamed. I knew better- he’s just a fantasy; I don’t know why I played along with his messages. This isn't a satisfactory excuse but I think it's because he really filled the void that I felt in my relationship with H. He built me up while I felt torn down by H.
H found out yesterday. He was disappointed but not really mad. We had the discussion that we needed to have a week ago at the MC session. Even if this other guy wasn’t nosing around- H admitted that he hasn’t opened himself fully to the MC process, and also that he doesn’t think either of us can change enough to make the other really happy. This was his mantra prior to the MC and it still is. He doesn’t see me becoming the confident person that he wants me to be, and he isn’t going to be the type to “lavish lots of praise” on me. (I told him I didn’t need to be lavished, just an occasional “I love you” would have gone a long way with me.) He kept going on about that he knows I’m still scared of new situations and new people and he “can see it” in my eyes, that I was so much better on Paxil, that he doesn’t see my confidence when I’m interacting with other people, that he’s still not willing to give me a guarantee that he won’t want to resume swinging in the future, he thought he had acknowledged my hurts and said he was sorry but maybe not in the way I was looking for (he never said he was sorry), that he can’t be held responsible for pushing the swinging if I lied about being OK with it. He doesn’t want to get divorced, but doesn’t see either of us being happy in this relationship.
I asked him if he thought that all our problems were on me. His reply was “no”, but he didn’t expound on that. I just wanted my H to love me completely, be committed to me and be proud of me. I feel like he still sees ME, my basic personality and spirit, as a let down- I'll never be good enough or confident enough.
Everybody feel free to clobber me now.
We didn’t formally say we’re going to split, but that’s the way it’s headed, it’s going to be mutual. My heart is breaking- I failed in my marriage.
