I would like your opinion. I'm in Limboland. I've given her space to heal and do what she needs to do. But when does giving space turn into crossing a boundry and having no respect for me and not loving me.
She has stated that the only reason that I'm here is that I really have no place to go and financially we couldn't stay in the house and would have to move. She could kick me out just as fast because of my previous behavior and has cause to do so.
I believe she is testing me because I said something to her a couple of weeks ago about being out until 3 in the morning.
I love her and realize she doesn't trust me anymore. I also realize she enjoys her single life and doing what she wants to do.
The only way I see this playing out is if I go all they way and get a lawyer, realtor and head in that direction full steam.
She views me standing up to her as more controlling behavior. If I show up with boxes she will kick me to the curb. She has me bent over a barrel and she knows it.
I am working on dealing with my anger, counseling, Love without hurt, praying. I've done a great job in that department. Even my kids have made comments on how well I've done.
This begs the question, How long do I stay?
I can tell her things need to change but I need to do it without coming across as a Controlling SOB. Breakaway is that even possible.
J, I'm just guessing here, about her...but it seems like she hasn't even scratched the surface of healing what's gone on in the past. You really don't have control over that. And she might not be having an affair, she might just be out partying her ass off with other women, and yeah, probably flirting, etc etc. And all the "fun" is possibly just more drowning out her own painful feelings. I can say that...I can imagine myself thinking, oh, you don't want me coming home at 3:30?? Okay then, how about 4:30. That's not appropriate of course, but I think that's what is happening. No she doesn't respect you, she's MAD AS HELL. These are very unhealthy things going on with her. But you cannot underestimate what the previous behavior did to her.
I really really commend your efforts to change. And be so honest about it. I really do. That's why I would hate to see you move backward.
I think if you don't want things to continue as they are, you have to be calm and rational. Putting her stuff on the porch is a manipulation, and says you are the boss, and you know the whole thing will blow up in your face. long run.
If you say things like You don't WANT a roommate You WANT ......it doesn't matter what you say after that. What you want got forfeited earlier in the game, in her mind. But you have the right to say, okay then, but I can't live like this either.
Let me think about it more. My reaction is to sit down with her and tell her the truth. This relationship is totally screwed up, that you don't want a divorce, but you don't want to live this way anymore. You are not trying to hurt her, but this is not what's best for you, for her, or for the kids. It's time to seek separation/divorce. Do not threaten to remove her from the home. You both know that you can't keep the home if you divorce...the court will settle it one way or the other. Don't even go there. It doesn't matter in the long run. If you do, she'll be able to say she knew you didn't really change.
But I will think about it some more...I'm late for something right now!!
That's not appropriate of course, but I think that's what is happening. No she doesn't respect you, she's MAD AS HELL. These are very unhealthy things going on with her. But you cannot underestimate what the previous behavior did to her.