JTJ, I think that since you've confessed to abusiveness, including physical, your situation is different than many. That hasn't really been addressed and worked past in your marriage, so there are other dynamics working in your situation. And it affects what is appropriate in dealing with your situation.
Might I suggest a site that some other guys here have discussed...it's called MEVAC (Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control), also www.compassionpower.org which is Steven Stosny's website. These will especially help you with learning about boundaries, handling anger and anxiety, etc.
I'd also add that, if divorce is a real possibility, that the "intel gathering" that is often promoted here (and is not part of DBing)..the courts will see as further evidence of abusiveness...things like GPS enabled cell phones to spy on where your wife goes. With your history, I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole.
