But I see what you are getting at. I'm just not ready to call the bluff. Her staying out till 4;30 in the morning was unacceptable. I just don't know what to say.
I tried getting intel and it drove my anxiety level way up. At this point I'm going to treat her as a room mate and worry about myself. If I somehow come across the affair so be it. I need to become the WAS.
I've come to realize the more I dislike something the more she is going to do it. I need to stop asking stopwhining and get back to: You still live here?
JJ
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
JTJ, I think that since you've confessed to abusiveness, including physical, your situation is different than many. That hasn't really been addressed and worked past in your marriage, so there are other dynamics working in your situation. And it affects what is appropriate in dealing with your situation.
Might I suggest a site that some other guys here have discussed...it's called MEVAC (Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control), also www.compassionpower.org which is Steven Stosny's website. These will especially help you with learning about boundaries, handling anger and anxiety, etc.
I'd also add that, if divorce is a real possibility, that the "intel gathering" that is often promoted here (and is not part of DBing)..the courts will see as further evidence of abusiveness...things like GPS enabled cell phones to spy on where your wife goes. With your history, I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole.
I tried getting intel and it drove my anxiety level way up. At this point I'm going to treat her as a room mate and worry about myself. If I somehow come across the affair so be it. I need to become the WAS.
I've come to realize the more I dislike something the more she is going to do it. I need to stop asking stopwhining and get back to: You still live here?
JJ
Yes treating her like a room mate is going to be effective... newsflash, she treats you like a roommate LOL! Haven't you noticed? She comes & goes as she pleases - she doesn't owe you anything, no explanation, no responsibility, nothing.
The room mate idea, scratch that.
Your stand is this (should you choose to man up and take a stand):
I DON'T WANT A ROOM MATE.
Tell her that all she acts like is a room mate and you wanted a wife (not WANT, WANTED, past tense).
Get the cardboard boxes, tell her to prepare to move out, this isn't a hotel you're operating. If she doesn't care about the marriage, you don't care about her living with you anymore and she can go live with the people she hangs out with till 4:30am - she might as well sleep there, at that point, 4:30am, what's the difference?! Add 2 hours to that, which is only 120min. and it's already 6:30am - she might as well sleep there, whereever there is.
You don't care anymore, the only thing is this, you've had enough and you're done and it's time for her to move on which means moving out.
Offer (very important) to help move her out, you will offer to help her pack and offer to help her move into her new place, tell her she has a couple of weeks, if she hasn't made any moves to do this at that point, the one night where she stays out, you pack all of her stuff (yes you actually have to do this) and put it on the porch.
Seriously, you guys want advice, you want stuff that works, we give it to you and you reply back "I can't do that, it's just not in me".
Well guess what, your wife knows this too, her balls are apparently bigger than yours, she owns you, you're conquered, that's why she does whatever she wants, she can and she will continue to do so because she has all the power in this relationship and you're the one posting on this forum asking advice on what to do.
I guarantee you she isn't on a forum asking advice from strangers, she's doing whatever she wants to do because she doesn't respect you anymore, she isn't attracted to you anymore and she can't love you if the previous two things don't exist. I'm being blunt now, I just got off indy's thread and he just replied back saying "I can't do that".
If you want results, if you want things to change, you have to stop doing what you're doing and start doing different things. Doing the same thing over & over again expecting different results is the definition of insanity (I think you can thank Einstein for those pearls of wisdom). So my question is... are you insane? If not, do you want different results? If so, can you do something different from what you're currently doing?
I'm not sure if you can forcibly remove her but you can tell her that you want her out of your house immediately if it continues. I had to do that when I discovered my W's A. It wasn't easy but I felt better afterwards. Living like that with your spouse sneaking around behind your back is hell.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Really? You can forcibly remove your spouse from her home for staying out til 4:30 in the morning? Interesting.
Yes you can choose who you want to live with. She is choosing that she doesn't want to be with him and apparently has decided that the kids are old enough that what she is doing isn't going to affect them.
