Just don't show your wife that you are jealous, being jealous is being insecure and that is an attraction killer, in fact, I think the 180 is this, "... wife you can talk to the OM, I can't stop you either way, but I think we both know you have to let go of him, and I know that I'm not going to live my life worrying if you're 2nd guessing us and wanting to be with the OM, I love you and I'm confident you will make the decision that's right for you."
How's that?
Not controlling, you're acknowledging the OM that is continuing to contact your wife, you show that you're not insecure and you aren't ignoring this situation but you're letting your wife take responsibility for this issue because this is her issue to deal with.
