Weekend is now over. I have not talked to her one bit about her day (and night) away with her girlfriend. Kids and I had a great time. After she got home yesterday, other than normal kid banter, there was very little talk between us. I did put my ring back on, trying to decide if that was a good move or not. Any input there?
I took my oldest child out to play some games and have ice cream (we have a close bond), although I am sure she has no idea what is really going on, she unloaded on me about how she and my son are treated when I am not there (screamed at, yelled at, etc.). She says she doesn't trust her own mother and asked me why I married her! I was speechless. Granted my daughter does favor the dramatics at times, but she begged me not to go to work on Monday so I could stay with her and her brother (they are homeschooled). But instead of being 100% dedicated to their schooling, that is the time my wife is spending on the phone with the OM so when the kids need her for something, she's not available and when they try to talk to her while shes on the phone, she explodes on them. My daughter has asked me repeatedly who she is talking to and all I can say is "its a friend".
I have spent all weekend trying put things into perspective. After a month and a half of dealing with this and waiting for her "decision", I am starting to feel that undying love that I have had for her all these years really begin to die. I think back to all the things I do for her, clean house, cook meals, do laundry, do the finances and this is what I get in return. I guess the fog is finally starting to clear. To top it off, she expects that I am going to just let her take my kids and walk out once she decides to go.
This woman is just not the same woman I fell in love with. She has thrown all the values and beliefs she held so dear all those years to the side. She won't even consider going to to church now, after 14 years of dedication. This over-protective mother who wanted to homeschool our kids to protect them from the "horrors" of public school is now willing to tear my kids lives apart and single-handedly affect the rest of their lives by her selfish desires with a man she has only physically seen for an hour in 20 years but talks to for hours every day. I keep thinking that the woman I love is still in there, will see the light and come back to me. But as long as the OM is filling her head with his words, that won't happen.
As you can tell, I am conflicted. I can be so upset with her and so ready to just send her packing, then at the same time want to hang on to whatever thread is left, both for me and my kids.
I feel like I am going crazy. Thank you for enduring my roller coaster of emotions this morning.
