So take the weekend, come up with a plan, and let us know how we can help.
Look, I can't guarantee you results. Your wife is an adult, and you can't control her. But I CAN guarantee you THIS: This weekend will either be the time you began to get your marriage back, or it will be the time you got your LIFE back.
You already know her buttons - are they manly aggression or emotional?
Do you now act manly and save your balls, or do you act progressively and save your ?
Are boundaries the priority or is communication the priority?
You now need to choose how you will react.
I am no expert - puppy and coach are by far my superiors in all aspects. i do not mean this as megre praise simply look at their posts
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
Update. Last night and this morning, I took my balls down from her jar and put them where they are supposed to be. I have taken a 180 from my recent state. This morning, although not confrontational, I did take off my wedding ring (she took off hers before Labor Day), she noticed it but didn't say anything, I could tell she was bothered though. She left for the afternoon in her usual "get away" with a girlfriend and I just barely said good bye, unlike my normal watch her off.
Weekend is now over. I have not talked to her one bit about her day (and night) away with her girlfriend. Kids and I had a great time. After she got home yesterday, other than normal kid banter, there was very little talk between us. I did put my ring back on, trying to decide if that was a good move or not. Any input there?
I took my oldest child out to play some games and have ice cream (we have a close bond), although I am sure she has no idea what is really going on, she unloaded on me about how she and my son are treated when I am not there (screamed at, yelled at, etc.). She says she doesn't trust her own mother and asked me why I married her! I was speechless. Granted my daughter does favor the dramatics at times, but she begged me not to go to work on Monday so I could stay with her and her brother (they are homeschooled). But instead of being 100% dedicated to their schooling, that is the time my wife is spending on the phone with the OM so when the kids need her for something, she's not available and when they try to talk to her while shes on the phone, she explodes on them. My daughter has asked me repeatedly who she is talking to and all I can say is "its a friend".
I have spent all weekend trying put things into perspective. After a month and a half of dealing with this and waiting for her "decision", I am starting to feel that undying love that I have had for her all these years really begin to die. I think back to all the things I do for her, clean house, cook meals, do laundry, do the finances and this is what I get in return. I guess the fog is finally starting to clear. To top it off, she expects that I am going to just let her take my kids and walk out once she decides to go.
This woman is just not the same woman I fell in love with. She has thrown all the values and beliefs she held so dear all those years to the side. She won't even consider going to to church now, after 14 years of dedication. This over-protective mother who wanted to homeschool our kids to protect them from the "horrors" of public school is now willing to tear my kids lives apart and single-handedly affect the rest of their lives by her selfish desires with a man she has only physically seen for an hour in 20 years but talks to for hours every day. I keep thinking that the woman I love is still in there, will see the light and come back to me. But as long as the OM is filling her head with his words, that won't happen.
As you can tell, I am conflicted. I can be so upset with her and so ready to just send her packing, then at the same time want to hang on to whatever thread is left, both for me and my kids.
I feel like I am going crazy. Thank you for enduring my roller coaster of emotions this morning.
It sounds like you are afraid of your wife. What's the worst thing that will happen if you stand up to her? She'll leave? Guess what, she's talking about that anyway. Why not take control and lead? She is indulging her fantasy at your expense, and worse...at the expense of your kids. Time to man up.
Enroll your kids in the local public school (they can be very good, depending on where you live). Set the boundaries that Coach recommended. If she goes, she goes. You and the kids will cope, just like you would if she suddenly died. She needs to understand the reality of her choices. It sounds to me like you have shielded her from the day-to-day realities of life. As long as you continue to do that, she will continue to live in her fantasy world.
It sounds like you are afraid of your wife. What's the worst thing that will happen if you stand up to her? She'll leave? Guess what, she's talking about that anyway. Why not take control and lead? She is indulging her fantasy at your expense, and worse...at the expense of your kids. Time to man up.
Enroll your kids in the local public school (they can be very good, depending on where you live). Set the boundaries that Coach recommended. If she goes, she goes. You and the kids will cope, just like you would if she suddenly died. She needs to understand the reality of her choices. It sounds to me like you have shielded her from the day-to-day realities of life. As long as you continue to do that, she will continue to live in her fantasy world.
Best of luck,
Nut
Wisdom. ^
He's ignored it all so far; I hope he listens this time.
Believe me, I haven't ignored anything. I have listened to every word.
I have only recently just climbed out of this fog of disbelief that this is even happening. Yesterday, I placed a call to a lawyer to learn exactly what my rights are in regards to the kids. I want to have all the bases covered. I have made calls to the school to see what is involved in enrolling homeschooled kids, I have talked to my relatives about making sure someone is available to pick them up until I get home from work. So I have things in motion, as soon as I am ready, I will set the boundary.
I am not afraid of my wife, I have been afraid of LOSING my wife. Yes, I realize now after finding this site that all the efforts I have made prior to this point have given her more reason to leave. Somewhere I read where car salesmen never sell cars by begging and pleading for one to buy it. I have been a fool and have been used and that realization is setting in. I am now starting to think about how much better off me and my kids would be without her. That in and of itself is enlightening.
This site has been a lifesaver for me, it has helped me get some priorities back in order. I don't have a large support group, mainly only a couple of people, both of whome live out of state so I have been mostly alone during this process. I have gone through stages of real deep, dark depression and have almost let this consume me. I am normally not a weak-minded person, quite the opposite, but this has shaken me to the core. I was not prepared for this. After nearly 15 years of seemingly marital bliss, this hit like a torpedo from no where. So now the light is finally coming on, I can see where I need to go and what I need to do. Doing things proactively for myself is helping me see a lot clearer.
You guys give great advice and again I am not ignoring any of it. Please keep it coming.
