I'm still processing things and I guess the real question I have right now is for the ladies.
I'm not ready to throw in the towel, but I'd like to hear from a female perspective about no contact. Should I read anything into the fact we haven't had much contact since last Tuesday morning?
Is that saying it is over or can longer periods of time go by w/out a woman wanting things to end? I mean, have you gone w/out talking to a man, but still were thinking about him?
Can a week or more go by and the feelings still be there or is it that easy for a female to shut off the switch?
Finally, it is killing me to sit back and not contact her. So, do I stay the course and not initiate contact, or should I check in and see how she's doing?
I told her I'd give her space and she knew how to get in touch w/me when she wanted. I did get an e-mail from her at work that didn't talk about us and I didn't bring us up or ask about her in my reply. Not sure if I should have mentioned something about asking her how she was doing or of the like, but I didn't.
So, I guess I'd love to know if women that need time and space can take weeks before they want contact again or if they pretty much know they don't want to continue.
Hollywood portrays it as being able to have months and even years go by and the feelings never die down, but again, that is Hollywood. What is the real life feeling situation? Do women need a lot of times sometimes to sort things out? Just because she's not in contact w/me does that mean she's not still thinking of me and us?
So, those are my thoughts about the female mindset. Of course, I'm going to try and use them in this current R, but even if this is ending, the basic knowledge can and will be appplied to anything else in my future.
Feel free to be brutally honest b/c remember I have NO experience w/doing this "right" in my past relationships, so I need to know to learn.
My past experiences is what is making it so hard for me to avoid initiating contact w/her. Thus, I need to hear from you females as to what you would be looking for if this was your situation. I'd love to know more about what women think in on this subject...on needing space to figure things out and get a grip on what you want and feel.
There is a large part of me that feels she is scared by the potential of us together as she's never been in a relationship like the one we have had going. In her past, her relationships have all been w/controlling, obsessive, and jealous men. I've not been any of the sort and I think that scares her. I think strongly that she's afraid to invest fully in me b/c she thinks I'll be like all the rest in the end.
That may be something we'll never overcome, but for now, again, I'm not ready to pitch it all after all I've put in over the past 6 months.
I hope this makes sense and I'm anxious to hear some perspective on feelings and emotions from women and the whole thing about needing time to sort through things.
Thanks to everyone. Again, this site is helping me through a rough time as well as providing support and information for growth and change.
I have never needed time or space to sort things through so I don't know what to tell you there. I do know that men in general like to fix things and usually a woman just wants to be heard. I would ask her how she is doing and let her know that you are more than willing to listen if she wants to talk.
I think she has a lot of her own issues which have nothing to do with you. This is a prime example of why people shouldn't start dating until they have gotten to where they are doing well again all on their own. She may have thought that being in a new relationship would solve everything. The truth is she needs to complete herself before she can be in any real sort of relationship again.
I am not trying to say leave her, but I would think long and hard if you want to keep going through these cycles. Because until she fixes herself, she can't be there for you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Rob, when a person says back off in any way, respect that and back off. And women are suckers for men that are strong and dont show need or weakness. That is a general idea that I have. But in your case, if you would contact her, what would that bring you? I mean, she has your number, right? She set the pace, she knows what to do if she wants you. Stay low for a while, JMO. Love K
Everything is soooo about her, whether or not you should contact her, how it's driving you crazy.
Helllooooooo... Like wise women have said. Let HER contact you. Period.
I see you begging, pleading, hovering and NOT listening to her. And it's hard for you because she's not doing what you really want to have happen.
Respect her enough to give her space. Respect yourself enough to give yourself space.
Rob.. Let yourself heal. Get YOURSELF healthy first, emotionally, mentally, physically. It's not about deciding to lead, it's about being comfortable in your own skin.
Sweetheart.. try cutting yourself some slack. Know that you are an incredible wonderful guy. You don't need a woman on your arm to tell you that. Friendships are a good thing.
*hugs*
And for the record, a guy (or gal) who hovers is the kiss of death to a relationship.
Thank you so very much for chiming in! I do see I need to step back. It also has been dictated by her for the past 6 months, so either it turns to equal time, or it has to end.
I guess I'm not looking forward to ending it b/c I don't want to go back and date anyone else. I'm sure that feeling will pass in time, but for now, I'm really into GF. However, knowing that, my current state won't help things at all, but only make them worse. So, the solution is to do my own thing and not let her know in any way that I'm missing her.
She does need to initiate contact w/me and I'll let that happen.
She did text me yesterday but it was because she was unhappy w/me. I'll explain. Last week I spoke w/her mother and mentioned she was a bit down and to keep an eye on her. Her mother then told me her stomach issues were acting up again and causing her tremendous pain. I said to her mom that maybe she (the mom) could convince her to go to the doctor b/c I couldn't...and that was that.
Yesterday, after talking to her mom, GF was upset b/c her mom said she sounded depressed and needed to go see someone. GF said "how would she know that if I only confided in you?"
Well, I honestly didn't think I was breaking her confidence b/c I was in full-blown "protector" mode and trying to smooth the upcoming path for GF to reduce her stress.
I know. I know. I overstepped my bounds and I can clearly see it now as it is not only not my issue to solve, but it is a bit controlling. I had good intentions, but I didn't think things through.
So, now, GF says she's not happy at all b/c she speaks to me w/complete confidence and I'm bummed that I let her down and broke that trust w/out meaning to do so.
I apologized, explained my intentions and told her that although I'll make mistakes, I will learn from them as I try to work on our R and learn about the dynamics of it.
I understand where I went wrong and I'm not too pleased at myself b/c of it. But, I've apologized, shown remorse, listened to her concerns, validated them, and will use them to get better. I'm not going to contact her again and this issue won't come up again by me. I'll leave it alone and in her hands.
My trying to do to much and do things that I can't control is an old, ingrained habit that I repeated. I explained that and really can't do anything else.
As Gypsy said, I don't want to hover, and I won't. I'll stay completely away and only contacted her after she contacted me. To my credit, not only did I tell the truth, but I took responsibility for my actions. Even though I let her down, I learned something that can and will make me better...either for her or for whomever else is next in my life.
So, I'm backing way off, but I still miss the routine we had established. I still miss her and our conversations. I won't hover, but I will miss her.
If she's still in my thoughts, does that mean I'm hovering over her? Or would I only be hovering if I'm contacting her constantly and not giving her space? If you could clarify that, I'd appreciate it.
Thanks to all my friends. This site is a life line and a place to grow, learn and heal. I stumbled on it by chance and I'm glad I'm here now. Thank you all. I continually look forward to your posts.
You don't know me but I really had to respond to your questions.. So, for what it's worth:
Originally Posted By: RefuseToLose
I mean, have you gone w/out talking to a man, but still were thinking about him?
Absolutely. When and if she is ready, she will seek you out. You have to believe that and back off.
Originally Posted By: RefuseToLose
Can a week or more go by and the feelings still be there or is it that easy for a female to shut off the switch?
Women don't have a switch. I thought men did.
Originally Posted By: RefuseToLose
Finally, it is killing me to sit back and not contact her. So, do I stay the course and not initiate contact, or should I check in and see how she's doing?
Seriously.. you need to let her contact you. If she truly needs the space she says she does, it will do you no good to keep contacting her. If you don't hear in a couple of weeks.. maybe a "how are you" e-mail or call. You'll know how to proceed from there based on her response.
Originally Posted By: RefuseToLose
What is the real life feeling situation? Do women need a lot of times sometimes to sort things out? Just because she's not in contact w/me does that mean she's not still thinking of me and us?
There are times when we all need a lot of space but a possibility is that she may sort things out and end up not desiring to have you in her life. You have to remember that could be her conclusion and so, you kind of have to live your life like that could be the end result. She could be very well be thinking about you.. or not.. If she is still confused about her life, she may just not know what she wants. How long are you willing to wait?
Hello there! Thank you for posting and helping me out. I really appreciate your answers and insights. It is good to know that the thoughts can be there even if contact is not. Again, thank you.
Quote:
When and if she is ready, she will seek you out. You have to believe that and back off.
Thank you. This gives me the confidence to do just that.
Quote:
Seriously.. you need to let her contact you. If she truly needs the space she says she does, it will do you no good to keep contacting her. If you don't hear in a couple of weeks.. maybe a "how are you" e-mail or call. You'll know how to proceed from there based on her response.
That is my plan. I will not initiate any contact w/her for two weeks and then touch base w/a text or by sending the card I've bought. I will wait it out, but it will be tough on me, I can tell you that.
I've done a ton of reading (when I should have been doing contract work...YIKES) and I've figured out that I'm well over 50% in love w/GF and the under 50% is need and lust. What exact percentage over, I'm not sure, but I know it isn't 55-45, but stronger. The need and lust are easy to replace now that I can get my head on straight and stop thinking just w/my heart.
You and the others have convinced me to take the position that she's not going to want to continue w/us, so I'll begin to do what I should have been doing all along...focusing on me again. I've got a lot of contract work to do and some work on the exercise bike for my knee, so I'll look to do that to stay occupied.
If I prepare for the worst, then I'll be in a better position to not be too disappointed if that should happen.
I got off track in focusing on me b/c it seemed like just when we cleared one hurdle, another one came up for GF. Thus, it could very well be an omen for me to get out. It could also be a test of my Scorpio nature to want to nest quickly. I'd like to find out if my being patient will work for us, but I won't hitch on for the long haul if it isn't going to work.
That said, it would be nice to see what we could develop w/out all the other drama in GF's life. I may never get to see that, but b/c I'd like to find out, I'm not willing to throw things away just yet.
I may go out on a "friendly" date to stay busy, but not to start anything new until I know where I stand officially w/GF. I'd never want to be dishonest w/her so I'll make sure I don't get into a situation where I'd be tempted to lie. But going out will keep me human and may end up leading me to someone I'm supposed to be w/instead of GF. Then again, I may not b/c I'm wanting to wait for GF at least for a little while. I'll cross that bridge when it comes b/c there is a fine line b/t being faithful and not. I'm not going to do something that would cause GF to not trust me if we do look to continue as a pair. That is for sure.
If I keep the mindset in the correct position, I know I'll be ok.
Thanks again for your post and for all of those out there who care enough to put in their two cents.
As I've read all of your posts recently, I can't help but wonder WHY you want a R with this woman. She has been depressed and / or reacting negatively to tons of things in her life. She keeps pushing you away. Just sounds like you've been walking on eggshells the whole time. I can see being reflective about a R, but this?
I don't know, could just be my own perspective....I guess: I saw a man for a few weeks (going back quite a few months ago). He was nice, thoughtful...texted me a sweet good morning and goodnight, etc. But most of our conversations found him complaining about something, how he always got a raw deal....I didn't want that in my life. There were some other things, but that was the biggest reason I didn't continue the R.
Haven't we been through the wringer enough? Take care of YOU....
I see what you are saying and I'm putting that possibility in my head. I'm still wrestling w/the reasons I want to stay b/c there are signs for me to leave. Again, I'm in a bit deep, which makes it difficult.
However, the non-initiation of contact should do me some good. Also if there is contact again, I'm developing a different mind set so I can lead more and be less available to her. I feel the need to see this thing a little further. I could be wrong, but I do want to see it further.
I think there is some confusion on my part about "romanticising" the situation a bit where I'm looking at it w/hope rather than reality. If this is true, I'll figure that part out soon enough.
I do deserve to be appreciated, but for now, I'm in too deep to think about someone else. I need the time away from GF as well, it seems. Perhaps this is the best thing that could have happened to me after all.
Rob, back waaaaay off if you want this woman and return to DB basics. What is this obsessing about her already? After ALL you've been thru I would expect you, my friend, to be able to stand on your own 2 feet in a more "solid" way and not let her get you off balance. K
And that my friend, was a 2x4, a nice one. Harder ones to follow.
Harder ones to follow.